I like Rock Band.

Wait, let me clarify that a bit.

I LOVE ROCK BAND.

It's the best multiplayer experience possibly ever. It inspires feelings that the Wii did, by which I mean it's just SUPER AWESOME to play.

I like it so much that I regularly purchase downloadable content for it, because they actually release new (good) content regularly! I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I rock at Rock Band. I straight up rock.

Sadly, I apparently rocked so hard that I broke my Rock Band guitar. I'm sorry, I mean my official Electronic Arts™ and MTV Games™ Present Harmonix™'s Rock™ Band™Guitar™™ Per™i™pher™al™.

I wasn't the only one having problems, apparently, so EA set up a seriously easy to use support website.

Wait, what? Something made by EA actually works and is good?

Kind of.

Within several mouse clicks, you're able to get a replacement guitar sent to your house via free 2-day air mail. All you need is an EA account (which I had!) and a credit card that won't explode when EA puts a temporary $125 "hold" on your card, to make sure that you're not just scamming them out of a guitar (which I also had!)

Anyway, I ordered it on the 21st of December, which I knew meant that I would not get it 2 days later (weekends, those crazy holiday things that screw up everything, etc). I got a UPS tracking number and everything! Score, I said. Score. I put the tracking number into the Delivery Status widget, set it, and forget it! Just like Ron Popeil would have had me do!

On the 26th, my package was on a truck, set to arrive at any moment. I made special plans to sit as close to the door as I could, without looking creepy. I even wore pants.

Apparently, the UPS guy is that girl on Heroes that can manipulate how things look around her, because I never saw or heard him come, until, hours later, I checked the tracking info again, which informed me that the box was already delivered.

Upon retrieving the box, I thought it felt a little light. Maybe it was just the guitar, because everyone complains that the Rock Band guitar is too light. I open the box, and...

NO GUITAR.

I look all through the narrow box, up and down, with a flashlight...nope. Empty. I checked to make sure I hadn't misunderstood the arrangement; I believed that the EA website said that they would send the guitar first, then place a hold on my credit card, and then I would send my broken guitar back, and they would remove the hold on my credit card. This was actually what was supposed to happen, because the packing slip claimed that there was a guitar inside the box, and that the box weighed 5 pounds.

My father is better than I am at dealing with CSRs, so I had him make my call to EA's tech support line. He's forceful. Not in a mean way, though. He just knows how to get things done when he's dealing with customer service people. I needed that, because I basically had zero proof that I did not receive a guitar. For all they knew, I stole the guitar from the box before we called. For all I know, the UPS guy took it. It was looking grim.

After explaining my problem to the CSR, he looked up my info and confirmed that EA had not actually sent out the part, but that they were supposed to send it first. I felt vindicated, and I stopped thinking terrible things about the UPS guy. (Except for the fact that he didn't even ring the doorbell, or actually make sure nobody stole my $125 worth of plastic guitar.) He said that he would somehow magically send out another guitar to my house, and to just pack up the broken guitar in the provided box and mail that back. Deal, I thought. This will work out great!

I waited until I received a tracking number for the new package before I packed up the broken guitar. I did, and I did. The package was sent, and a new round of tracking began.

On December 31st, I received a package. Again, I didn't hear the bell--it was probably the same guy, and he was probably worried that he was helping smuggle in lightweight firearms or something. I plugged it in, it worked, I 5-starred Buddy Holly again, all was good. It was a good day, and Dick Clark said "Happy Dew Year," which was funny, but not in a "good" way.

January 3rd, I receive an e-mail from EA Support, asking me to fill out some support survey. I did, because I like filling out surveys sometimes, and I was actually somewhat pleased with their service. Hey, it took me a month to get my Xbox back, more than once. A working Rock Band guitar within 10 days is good in my book.

Towards the end of the survey was a question like, "Why has your problem not yet been resolved?" That wasn't the question exactly, but that was essentially what it said, and I can't access the actual survey anymore, so you're going to have to deal with it. I checked my EA account, and found out that I had three support tickets open: my original RMA, an RMA that I had accidentally started, and the new RMA--an "Agent Request," which means the one that the CSR sent to me. By the way, RMA stands for Return Merchandise Authorization, which you will probably not need to remember.

Anyway, I explained to the survey that the reason my problem was unresolved was because the CSR sent me a guitar, and opened up a separate support ticket. I left well enough alone.

And then, today, I received this e-mail.

Dear Michael,

We trust you have received your new Xbox 360 Guitar by now and are enjoying the Rock Band experience! However, it has been 14 days and we have not yet received the faulty Xbox 360 Guitar you’re returning to us.

To avoid a charge to your debit or credit account, please return your faulty Xbox 360 Guitar immediately upon receipt of your replacement. A charge will be posted 28 days after your request for a replacement if we do not receive your faulty Xbox 360 Guitar.

Rock on, Michael!

There are a number of problems with this, which should be obvious.

1. Why are they counting 14 days from when I actually made the RMA? (they probably can't do anything about this, but they should)
2. I only received my guitar 5 days ago!

And my favorite,

3. I sent them the guitar ten days ago.

And thus begins another rousing adventure, in my Adventures in Tech Support series. More updates as the insanity continues!

Excuse me while I go to weep. I mean, sleep.

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Labels: Moblog, Random, Xbox 360

They've had it for a week, now. Can't I just play Marathon Durandal in peace?!

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Meta, Xbox 360

The second announcement, made on Wednesday, was really pretty lame--and had nothing to do with the Xbox 360 (even though I'm tagging it as such) and I don't really know why they hyped it up like that.

http://on10.net/Blogs/larry/exclusive-video-new-mobile-web-browser--deepfish/

Basically--a new web browser for Windows Mobile. Great! Let me get my Windows Mobile Phone!

Oh wait I don't have one! Oh well. At least I can still play Java-based Sudoku on my SLVR, right? Right.

This isn't the Halo beta at all! This isn't even remotely cool! :(

Labels: Xbox 360

http://www.xbox.com/en-US/hardware/x/xbox360elitesystem/default.htm

Hey look, all those rumor-thingies were right.

Labels: Xbox 360

Source: http://on10.net/Blogs/larry/breaking-two-exclusives-in-two-days/

If you are too tired to read, I will sum it up for you: Microsoft is going to announce something tonight at 9pm PST and tomorrow at 9pm PST.

Of course you probably read that on a better video game blog. LOL INDEED.

Labels: Xbox 360

Thank you for your interest in Xbox Rewards. Due to technical issues, you may have experienced difficulties while trying to register for Xbox Rewards. Please accept our sincere apologies. To help make up for any inconvenience this may have caused you, we are providing you with two Xbox LIVE® Arcade games*.

Yes. Yesssssssssss. Thanks, Microsoft. I don't really remember having difficulties, but what are you gonna do? You're going to accept the flippin' free games and keep your mouth shut, is what you're gonna do. I wonder what they are!

Joust (ESRB Rating: E)
Robotron (ESRB Rating: E)

...heyyyyy, that isn't fair! Those both cost 400 MS points! And I already HAVE Robotron!

Well, I guess Joust could be fun. It's a classic, right? And it's not like I have high Xbox Live Arcade standards, anyway--I bought that fish game, after all.

For those of you not familiar with Joust, let me begin with a story. Long long ago, in the Nineteen-Eighties, there was a thing called The Arcade. Wait, never mind, this intro is horrible.

A while back, video games used to be original. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, right? But back then, we didn't have games like Madden 07 or Call of Duty 3 or John Madden Presents: Call of Duty: World War II Shooter 07. We had games like Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Yes, Moonwalker technically came out in 1990, but it belongs in the 80s. And it can take Robo-Jackson and Evil Joe Pesci with it!

While ideas were being thrown around, apparently somebody got the insane idea to make a game about riding ostriches into battle. Maybe I'm just unaware of the big ostrich craze that took place in the 80s. (Did you know that Mario was originally an ostrich? And that Luigi was a taller ostrich?) Aside from the ostrich obssession, they also decided to throw in some pterodactyls. You know, those kinds of pterodactyls? The ones that fly around in the sky, and also happen to be dinosaurs? Yeah. Those.

Eighties(Ostrich + Battle + Pterodactyls) = Joust. That's algebra.

Joust is one of the earlier entries to the Xbox Live Arcade. The presentation is pretty much exactly like that of Robotron, which is to say, not very exciting. I mean, it's a game about battling people while riding an ostrich, right? Shouldn't that be accompanied by a wicked awesome intro screen? It should.

By the way, Wikipedia claims that the ostriches are really "rocs" which are supposedly mythical creatures. Of course, it is Wikipedia. Go on and edit it and say that they are really elephants. Elephants who are tripling their population. Go on, do it. Joust reality has become a commodity!

So, graphics. I won't really say much about graphics. Joust is now presented in High Definition. This is truly a great achievement in the game industry.



Let's make this absolutely clear: either Joust is extremely difficult, or I am just naturally horrible at it. Let me clarify this further: either the controls for Joust were horrible this entire time, or the controls for Joust on Xbox 360 are in themselves horrible. Fortunately, I don't have a Joust arcade cabinet in my house, because it would just be a massive waste of space since I really hate Joust.

So let me explain the controls to Joust. Thumbstick: moves you around. A button: flap your sad little ostrich wings. The controls are simple, but that's not the problem. The problem is the fact that you have very little control while you are in the air. Imagine, if you will, ostriches flying around in the air (can't happen) and then running into each other head on (uh okay) and then bouncing off each other (can't happen) and then trying to turn around in mid-air (can't happen) and it happens to take half an hour because the acceleration is messed up. The point I'm trying to make is that the acceleration is MESSED UP.

Your ostrich basically only has two speeds: "Sitting Duck" speed (slow) and "CLEVER SPACEBALLS REFERENCE" speed (fast). I don't have a name for the speed you're going for the 80% of the game you spend accidentally flying backwards, but I'm sure you'll come up with your own! (May I suggest "I want my 400 points back"?)

The game's sound is accompanied by the standard 80's bloops and bleeps. The thing is, they went through such trouble to try to reproduce an authentic "wing flapping" sound, and it has the comical "woah hit the brakes!" skidding sound, but it beeps when you hit a rock. I know that always happens to me! Also, remember the familiar old Joust theme song? Hint: there wasn't one!

As far as Achievements go, the game has such creative entries as "Get to Wave 5" and "Get to wave 10" and "Get to wave 30" and "Get to Wave 100". Anybody who plays Joust up until Wave 100 deserves way more than 40 Gamerscore for their efforts. They deserve a better game.

There are some other achievements, that have to do with earnestly playing the game, and the like. These ranked Versus ones seem to be the hardest to get, since I defy you to actually find anybody playing this game on Xbox Live. LOL!

To sum this all up, if you don't remember ABSOLUTELY LOVING the arcade version of Joust...don't bother. There are better things to spend your points on, like Geometry Wars, or THE BEST GAME EVER MADE, Galaga.

However, if you happen to receive the same e-mail that I did, with the free download code, go for it.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360

For a detailed analysis of what will happen, please click here, here, here, here, and here.

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Guess which rarely-updated video game news blog got featured on a Weblogs, Inc weblog? This rarely-updated video game news blog got featured on a Weblogs, Inc weblog!!

http://www.xbox360fanboy.com/2006/10/22/console-wars-lcd-edition/

Yes, the news post is about one line long, and yes, he incorrectly assumes I'm from Australia (G'DAY MATE KANGAROO KNIFEY-SPOONY FOSTER'S), and yes, it would appear as though I've only generated a grand total of 4 hits from it, but...that's popularity. This is fame.

No pictures, please.

Labels: Meta, Xbox 360

Previously on The Console Wars, we took a look at Sony's new offering, the Plaga Statim PlayStation 3. This time, we're taking a look at the first console out of the gate--Microsoft's Xbox 360.

The 360 launched last November, to insane shortages. Everyone who bought one at launch was either crazy, insane, mental, or had some extra money lying around to pay for super expedited shipping (read: crazyinsanemental). Or, they preordered it way in advance. That's silly, though. Who would preorder something that far in advance??

The console itself did not go without criticism, either. Many were quick to note the lack of attention paid to graphics in certain launch titles--thanks a lot, ports--and some noticed that the system may have been prone to crashes. That'll probably be the last link.

Of the criticisms about the 360's graphics, one phrase has stood out above the pack: Xbox 1.5. Let's ignore the fact that it goes against the Xbox numbering scheme, and get on to brass tacks. Tax? I don't know. Forget I said anything.

For this special edition of The Console Wars, we're going to look at two brand new Xbox games. Since these are brand new, surely we will be able to exhibit the Xbox 360's power, right? Second-generation graphics, right? We'll see about that.

The Contenders

Above: Robo Blast, Mystic Castle

These two Xbox games demonstrate the pure processing power of the 360's tri-core processor. That's three of them! Each of them features the 360's revolutionary "d-pad and one button" scheme, which is perfect for moving around and doing exactly one thing.

Let's get on to the reviews!

Robo Blast

Note the green wrist strap.

Robo Blast shows Microsoft's new approach to kid-friendly gaming by including a wrist strap that only fits malnourished three year old children. If your child manages to affix the console to their wrist, they'll be treated to a one-half-inch tall hunk of plastic that serves no purpose other than to allow you to play Robo Blast. This is not recommended, as it is easier to blast robos with both hands at the helm.

The premise is simple: there are robos everywhere, running amok, without supervision, and it is your job to blast them into submission. This is accomplished by moving a targeting reticule around the grid, aiming for the aforementioned robos, and pressing the green "blast" button. Yes, all of the buttons are green, and yes, I've forgotten to tell you to flick the "on" switch on the side, but in this day and age, I assume you all know your way around complex electronics.

Given the fact that the Xbox 360 is fully capable of providing surround sound, I was surprised to hear the familiar bleeps and bloops of an old arcade game from the 80's. Is this supposed to appeal to my retro-gamer needs? Because it totally does.

The presentation in this game is a little lackluster. Where's the introductory cutscene? Where's the soundtrack? Where's the voice acting? Where's any kind of menu system at all? The answer to all of the above is "nowhere near this game". How long have you been making video games?

The lack of online multiplayer hurts this game. In a game so rife with possible multiplayer modes (co-op robo blasting, robo vs. robo, capture the robo) it is almost unimaginable that the devs would skip this. Perhaps a patch from the Xbox Live Marketplace? I don't know. Maybe.

The controls could use some tweaking, as well. The d-pad is even less responsive than the regular 360 controller's d-pad. Oh no I didn't! Oh yes I did.

Bottom line--skip Robo Blast, or wait until the Platinum Hits version drops.

Mystic Castle

Get me my +2 Sword of Sexy Justice

Mystic Castle is a gem in a sea of less-than-fulfilling gems, a veritable "good game" amongst a wave of "lame games".

Mystic Castle is a dungeon crawler--in the truest sense. Fighting your way through hallways, other hallways, and even MORE hallways, looking for items and pressing your green fire button to fire your weapon at enemies. The gameplay here is reminiscent of Elder Scrolls IV, in that it takes place entirely from a first-person perspective. Visually-stunning LCD graphics take the Xbox 360 headfirst into the true era of high-definition entertainment.

The storyline follows thusly: your main character--a Robot (not to be confused with a Robo, from the dreaded Robo Blast franchise) seeks items. What items they are, I do not remember, because I lost the manual. The fact of the matter, however, is that these items have been lost inside a mystical castle--the Mystic Castle, if you will--and are guarded by enemies. Dangerous blip-shaped enemies.

The core gameplay should be familiar to us all--walk down the hallway until it looks like you've come up to a wall, press "right", continue walking, go into a door, and, depending on the size of the blip you run into--walk into it or fire at it. It is rare nowadays to come upon a game that blends these elements--walking and firing and recognizing the size of things--so flawlessly, so beautifully.

Some famous people once said, "Trust, but verify." Others have said "I am not an animal." This makes up what seems to be the general consensus about this game. This game also lacks multiplayer, but its single-player campaign is SO deep and involving that I've literally lost seconds of my life to it. Minutes, even. If I'm not too careful, I could miss a commercial on TV or something.

The controls here are a tad unresponsive as well, but that only adds to the stark realism of the game. If I was walking down a hallway, how long would it really take me to fire at an enemy? To enter a doorway? To pick up an item? It would probably take me as long as it would to press the corresponding buttons on my controller. That's what I'm getting at.

The soundtrack is full of gleeful and mystic bleeps and bloops.

Mystic Castle is the perfect video game, the epitome of "totally rad", an X-Play 5 out of 5, et cetera. Pick up this game and immerse yourself; LCD graphics like this only come but once a year.

So wlll the Xbox 360 survive the console wars? Only time will tell. But if they keep making more Mystic Castles and less Robo Blasts, the future is looking up.

Signing off!

BLEEEEEEEEEEEP BOOOOOOOOOOOP BOOOOOOOOOOOOP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP

(That's the end theme to Mystic Castle.)

Labels: Console Wars, Xbox 360

If you'll notice, I changed the "now playing" section to a myMediaList. This makes it easier for me to update that section of the site, as well as provides a way for me to steal bandwidth from EBGames.com. (sorry)

You should also take note of that NHL 07 part of the list, because I will be tracking my progress through NHL 07's Dynasty Mode. I'm sticking close to my roots by choosing the Los Angeles Kings to lead to victory. To ensure (insure?) accuracy (accuracy?), I will not be restarting any games (lame), and I will not be switching control over to the other team so that I can pull their goalie and then switch back to my team so that I can score unlimited empty-net goals (double lame). Expect a full review eventually, along with reviews of Mario Hoops 3-on-3 and Test Drive Unlimited. You MAY even get to see the rest of the Console Wars series! Maybe.

Also, the Wii will cost $250 and will come with Wii Sports and it will come out on November 19th. IN THE US. Japan gets it for 25,000 yen, sans Wii Sports, on December 2nd. LOL, JAPAN! LOL.

Sorry about the LOLing.

Labels: Meta, Nintendo Wii, Xbox 360

First off, yes, that's Mario's head on Stephen Colbert's body.

My plans for E3 fell through. As in, a certain unnamed party's promises of a glorious trip to E3 fell through. More like his lies.

You know who you are.

Anyway.

Having the Internet is like being at E3, because from what I understand, all the cool video game newsblogs post stuff live from E3. So it's pretty much the same experience, minus the free stuff and the game demos and the cute girls at the booths, although those are supposed to be in short supply this year. It was controversial.

On the game demo front, however, Microsoft is doing something unprecedently nice this time around, by giving 360 owners some keen E3-related content via the much-heralded Xbox Live Marketplace. Content such as trailers, weird promotional gamerpic packs, and--yoooou guessed it--demos! Well, like, two demos so far--Test Drive Unlimited and a game I previously reviewed, Top Spin 2. More stuff is supposed to come, I guess...COOL new stuff. That's all I know.

So today brought us the PS3 announcement. What? Sony actually said something about the PS3? Is it...something amazing?

I don't know. Let's find out.

According to Joystiq, the PS3 demos were running at 1080i, not 1080p. Of course, that page is riddled with typos from the live blogging, so I don't know. 1080i is cool and all, but amazing? Not really. We already have a console that does 1080i.

The controller wasn't received too well when it was first shown o' those many moons ago. Today, Sony revealed their new design, which looks--surprise--exactly like the old controller. Thanks, Sony, for remaking the second- or third-worst controller I've ever used. It's the third-worst if you count handheld pads as controllers, because the PSP had horrid controls. For everything.

The new controller has some features which we once dubbed "revolutionary"--as in, they're ideas that Nintendo came up with already for the previously-codenamed Revolution. XYZ, pitch, roll, yaw, and lateral motion detection. Great, Sony, thanks for taking really cool features and blah blah blah blah the second-worst controller I've ever used.

(Don't get me wrong about the controller stuff, because I still like the PS2. But the controller is the least comfortable thing ever. Thanks, Sony.)

The way I see it, it can't possibly be as fun as the Wii controls, because 1) the Wii has a seperate controller for each hand and 2) because playing tennis with a Sony Dual Shock controller would be like playing tennis with a steering wheel.

Speaking of "Dual Shock," the PS3 controller lacks rumble output. Thanks, Sony!!

Finally, the price: $500 for the "basic" package, and $600 for the "good" package. I don't know what they're really called, and, no, those aren't Canadian prices, either! 500-600 REAL DOLLARS! At least the Wii will (hopefully) be around a third of that price. Think about it, because I know you're not thinking about it yet.

In closing, I'm kinda ticked that Sony isn't doing anything really amazing with the PS3. Not anything that we haven't seen before. And they actually removed a feature that became standard! What's your game, Sony? What's your game?!?!!?!?

Also, if any of you saw The Apprentice, there's no way Michael should have gotten fired. And Lee is on his way out. And none of you watched The Apprentice.

Labels: E3 Report, Playstation 3, Xbox 360

Cut back to Friday, when I posted chapter IV. Note the desperation. Note the neediness.

Friday night, I receive an e-mail from Microsoft, containing a tracking number. I am ecstatic. I don't regret not posting it because I liked my last post and I didn't want to ruin it. Okay?! Okay.

The UPS site said it was arriving today, so today I literally stalked my front door. I hear it's filing charges later.

About a half hour before I had to leave for class, a friendly man in a friendly brown suit handed me a friendly electronic clipboard and asked me in a friendly manner to sign it. For my efforts, I was rewarded this:



"A box? A BOX?!" my inner nerd screamed. My inner nerd really likes boxes and manuals. Sorry.

Upon opening the box, I was greeted with yet another sheet of instructions.



See, when you get an Xbox 360 Wireless Controller for the first time, you "connect" it to the console. This is for all the people who seem to think that they're getting their original 360 back in the mail, even though you're totally not getting the original one back.

Since I didn't have time to take a picture of the console itself, here's a mockup.



(By the way, I got an Intel Mac Mini somewhere in the past couple weeks. More on that later.)

When I was plugging in the console, I had a brief flashback to the day I discovered the original one was dead. Something about all those cables.

When I went to turn it on, it wouldn't.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, WHAT GIVES?!?!?!?!?"

It turns out I forgot to plug the power cord back in. Hah! Terrifying.

It works now, though. So, I can safely say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And I wouldn't make such a bold statement without a graphic to back it up!



Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call
Chapter III: The "Box"
Chapter IV: The Wait

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

When I was at the UPS office, I received a tracking number with which to track the progress of my poor dead Xbox-shaped baby. According to UPS, my Xbox 360 touched down in good ol' Microsofty Texas on April 19th, and arrived at the probably-outsourced Repair Center in McAllen, Texas yesterday afternoon. Woo, right?

I suppose. However, there's one little hitch: how do I know when she's coming back?

I mean, I know I won't be getting the same one back. That's not how it works, at all. I've said my goodbyes, taken out the hard drive, and given it a well-deserved goodbye hug. Not really.

The point I'm trying to make is that I don't have a tracking number for the replacement console, so I have no idea when it'll be arriving. If they're efficient (and they might be, since they're not actually Microsoft) then I project it'll be here somewhere around next Tuesday or Wednesday. But that's an awfully long wait, isn't it? Isn't it?!

Until then I've been regaling myself with games of console generations past, by which I mean the Gamecube and PS2. Guitar Hero is still awesome fun, despite the fact that I'm stuck on the last three songs of Expert Mode and I mostly play it to hear the cover of Ziggy Stardust. That is a really awesome song.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call
Chapter III: The "Box"

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

This chapter involves pictures! PICTURES.



I've heard this box referred to as a 'coffin,' which is pretty much what it does. On the left is Ol' Trusty, the Xbox 360. It's an ironic nickname.



I made sure to take Top Spin 2 out when it died the first time. Poor old Top Spin 2. :(



This is the first step on the page of instructions that you find when you open the box. Think about that for a second.



There it is, all wrapped up like it's in some kind of wrapping plastic. Or something. The point is that it's wrapped up.

Dropped it off at UPS today.

Thus begins "the wait." :(

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Wednesday morning, 8:30AM. I check the poor little white box to see if it works.

No false-alarms today; it's the three blood-red evil lights of doom. Sigh.

Phone-in-hand, I start to dial nervously. I hate these kinds of calls.

Play-by-play:

Xbox 360 support. I press 1.
Console help. 1 again.
The friendly voice tells me to have my serial number ready. I do this.
I think I hear some faint mumbling. The radio?

A voice! I forget his name. He hears my plea and looks up my info. I explain I've had it since launch, which doesn't phase him. I'm told to wait while he "looks up what we need to do here."
He comes back and transfers me to somebbody who handles orders to the US. Apparently he only does orders to the UK. hahaha :(

Melanie. I can't hear her typing. She's funny, but it's like she's delaying.
While I'm making the call, the 360 rests next to me. It looks sad. :(
She gives me a reference number, and we're done.

What? We're done?

I hang up, slightly confused. I know they got my address from the serial number. COuld they have used that to link to my credit card number to charge me the $110 I'm going to end up paying because I didn't buy the warranty within 10 days of when I purchased it, which was launch day? I don't know. I'm trusting them with so much, which kinda creeps me out.

Let's see where this takes us.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Tuesday morning. April 11th. Eleven o'clock.

I ease into place in front of the television, turn it on, and switch over to Component 1. The Xbox 360.

I'd left it downloading some content from the XBLM. That's the Xbox Live Marketplace, naturally.

I attempt to access the content eagerly.

"Wh...what?"

Black screen. No sound. Can't access the Xbox Guide.

"Okay okay, don't panic. I SAID DON'T PANIC."

I turn it off and turn it back on. It freezes during the logo at the beginning.

"...DON'T PANIC"

I do this repeatedly, each time with the freezing starting at some other random time.

"Maybe it's overheating."

I give it a couple hours in front of a fan, careful not to blow dust into it. I try it again.

"TOP SPIN 2 IS L--darn." It freezes again. I try various combinations of cable setups and other things, I try it with the HDD off, I try it with everything. I try everything and it gives me nothing.

Until it gives me those three red lights.

"...okay, now I can panic."

I try it again and again. Three red lights. It goes through once, only to freeze and THEN give me three red lights.

"It's over," my inner nerd screams. "She's dead, Jim!"

I agree, and my name isn't even Jim.

I decide to place my call to tech support the next day.

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

More later, but you can read the review I wrote last night below.

It worked perfectly last night.

:(

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

This review is brought to you by Bob and Steve, two fictional characters that are more commonly known as...



BOB: What's that you've got in your hand there, Steve?

STEVE: Oh, just Top Spin 2 for the Xbox 360, Bob.

BOB: I thought you already bought Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Ages ago. This game, however, promises tennis in High-Definition.

BOB: I see.

STEVE: Yes, it's quite impressive.

BOB: I am overwhelmed. Please pop it in.

STEVE: Excellent. This game will be great.

(fifteen minutes later.)

STEVE: This game is stupid.

BOB: Your custom character plays like an eight-year old girl that doesn't know how to play tennis.

STEVE: Look at him, his arms are flailing about wildly like he's practicing semaphore.

BOB: That's like Morse code, right?

STEVE: No, it's flag signals. I think he's calling for some kind of aid.

BOB: This training level you've entered is pretty interesting. I never knew the Williams sisters learned how to play tennis by knocking an oversized bowling ball into a set of oversized pins.

STEVE: I think I heard an interview with Andre Agassi where he talked about that training level with the tower of bricks he needed to knock down.

BOB: Agassi? How old are you?

STEVE: Old enough. What's this menu over here? Are these e-mails?

BOB: They're fake e-mails. With voice messages. From fake coaches. Fake coaches that want you to enter a Tournament.

STEVE: I would normally say it's time to try our hand at a Tournament, but apparently our rank isn't high enough.

BOB: I like how you've been throwing around the word "our" as though I've had a turn to play.

STEVE: I got us into a Minor tournament. Let's see how "Steve Topspin" ranks against these guys. You can take the helm when I'm done.

(TOURNAMENT.)

BOB: Congratulations, you got "deuce" again.

STEVE: I hate deuce. Deuce turns the playful and sophisticated nature of your average tennis match and turns it into a kind of sudden-death marathon tournament, where you keep playing until one of you falls over.

BOB: I don't think that's how it works, but I'm glad you lost that set. I'm so glad you get to play another set. I'm so glad I get to wait another twenty minutes.

STEVE: I get what you're trying to do, but I don't really care. I am literally angry at this character I'm playing against. His taunts have driven me to the edge.

BOB: Not to get off-topic, but can you re-design your character? He looks kind of horribly ugly. I find it hilarious that there's a "face spots" part of the character design screen, in case anybody would be interested in that kind of thing.

STEVE: "This tennis game is fun, but optional Face Spots would make it more fun."

BOB: That must have been a weird focus group to be in. "Yeah, this model's pretty, but she'd be prettier with some more Face Spots."

STEVE: We lost the tournament, you know. I think we'll have to try out Exhibition mode. On Easy. Doubles.

BOB: Hard court.

STEVE: Yes.

(EXHIBITION.)

BOB: I think the battery's dying in my controller.

STEVE: No, it's just not super-easy like Mario Tennis.

BOB: Everything was better in Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Maybe, but I don't recall there being Training levels. Or the promise of Online play.

BOB: Why would I want to play this game online if I can't even beat the computer on EASY?

STEVE: Career mode wasn't on Easy. Career mode was on "learn and it'll get easier."

BOB: I don't even think those training stats did anything.

STEVE: Did that momentum meter do anything in Career mode? Because it's giving us trick shots here in Exhibition mode.

BOB: It didn't, and we only get extra trick shots if we win a point. Which we haven't.

STEVE: Man will one day invent the necessary words to convey the frustration I'm feeling with this game.

BOB: But it's oddly compelling. Like, I know I'm horrible at it, but I still want to play it to get better at it.

STEVE: Some would call that depth.

BOB: Yeah, some would. I think it's pretty enjoyable, once you accept the fact that the game hates you.

STEVE: And the AI is totally unforgiving.

BOB: Yes. And it's not Mario Tennis at all, so I'd keep little kids away from it.

STEVE: Unless they're really big braggarts or something. "Hey, I beat Mario Tennis in one hour, YAWN."

BOB: "Here Billy, try out Top Spin 2."

STEVE: "I see the error of my ways. Here is a twenty-dollar bill."

BOB: At that point I'd wonder where my kid got ahold of twenty dollars that he didn't try to force out of my wallet. Probably through Mario Tennis hustling.

STEVE: I'd wonder how you managed to have a child.

BOB: Indeed.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360

Some people call it "the greatest game ever." Some people call it "the game that inspired Geometry Wars." Some others call it "the game that inspired that weird N64 port."

I call it Robotron 2084. For one, that's the title. It's also easier to type than those other monikers. Although, to be fair, I don't think long descriptions count as monikers in the first place. "Whatever," right?

It turns out whatever is NOT right. Robotron 2084 isn't ABOUT whatever; it's about precision, skill, determination, and shooting up robots. Mostly the part about shooting up robots.

Created in the pre-"Matrix" 1980s, the world of Robotron is set in a futuristic dystopia. Charged with saving the last human family, a robot with a funny-shaped head (who I will refer to as "Robotron") is given a robot-destroying laser (which doesn't even destroy every kind of robot) and set upon the massive world of...actually I think it's Earth. It's kind of like an Asimov novel in some aspects, by which I mean absolutely no aspects.

I'm admittedly not that good at Robotron 2084. I've yet to see wave 10, and I doubt it really exists.

When you first begin the game, you'll focus on saving the last human family. It's easy the first two times, right? Just clear out some robots around them and charge in their direction, right?

It turns out that they'll end up being just about the last thing on your mind in the coming waves. "Save the last human family" turns into "save your own hide from being eaten by giant indestructible robots." Yes, the robots eat you. That's what that explodey noise indicates.

One of the main things you need to consider are the little red flashing orbs that spit little tread-wheeled robots at you. In the later waves, they spit like fifty of them at you. And there'll be five flashy dots. I know.

It helps if you take into consideration that the "last human family" wouldn't need saving if they didn't decide that it'd be a good idea to dance around with evil giant robots all day. Forget them, okay? Forget them and watch the flashing little skull/crossbones with glee. Jerks.

Except of course in wave 5, when they decide that they've had enough of your lack of care for them and they go all rogue and flashy on you. That's right, the evil brain-robots (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, BY THE WAY) decide that it's a good idea to turn the last human family (which, in this level, is made up of like thirty women) into flashing running laser bombs.

First off, why are there thirty women in this level?! Are we taking the phrase "family" too lightly, or do these people just have way too much time on their hands? I prefer to think it's the latter, just to suit my "these people don't need saving, you're on your own" needs. Alas.

Wave 7 is pretty much where I give up hope for all living things.

Wave 7 is controlled by these bouncing light orbs which, if you don't destroy them promptly, turn into giant rubber toy robots that hurl bouncing globs of evil evil laser gunk your way. But it moves really fast, because the people over at Midway have no morals. I made it to wave 8 twice.

Wave 8 is pretty much a slap in the face. That is, if you were getting slapped in the face with little tread-wheeled robots.

Aside from all the horrible horrible experiences Midway has decided to torture me with, Robotron 2084 has become my most-played Xbox 360 game. That's right, more played than King Kong. And King Kong is totally awesome. However, I've not played through it a second time to unlock the "good" ending where Kong lives and is sent back to his home island where he's greeted by cute girls and dancing candy robots that spit candy every time they do a flip, which is a lot of candy because the only dance candy robots know how to do is that one dance that involves a lot of flipping.

I made up the part about the girls and robots.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360