This review is brought to you by Bob and Steve, two fictional characters that are more commonly known as...



BOB: What's that you've got in your hand there, Steve?

STEVE: Oh, just Top Spin 2 for the Xbox 360, Bob.

BOB: I thought you already bought Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Ages ago. This game, however, promises tennis in High-Definition.

BOB: I see.

STEVE: Yes, it's quite impressive.

BOB: I am overwhelmed. Please pop it in.

STEVE: Excellent. This game will be great.

(fifteen minutes later.)

STEVE: This game is stupid.

BOB: Your custom character plays like an eight-year old girl that doesn't know how to play tennis.

STEVE: Look at him, his arms are flailing about wildly like he's practicing semaphore.

BOB: That's like Morse code, right?

STEVE: No, it's flag signals. I think he's calling for some kind of aid.

BOB: This training level you've entered is pretty interesting. I never knew the Williams sisters learned how to play tennis by knocking an oversized bowling ball into a set of oversized pins.

STEVE: I think I heard an interview with Andre Agassi where he talked about that training level with the tower of bricks he needed to knock down.

BOB: Agassi? How old are you?

STEVE: Old enough. What's this menu over here? Are these e-mails?

BOB: They're fake e-mails. With voice messages. From fake coaches. Fake coaches that want you to enter a Tournament.

STEVE: I would normally say it's time to try our hand at a Tournament, but apparently our rank isn't high enough.

BOB: I like how you've been throwing around the word "our" as though I've had a turn to play.

STEVE: I got us into a Minor tournament. Let's see how "Steve Topspin" ranks against these guys. You can take the helm when I'm done.

(TOURNAMENT.)

BOB: Congratulations, you got "deuce" again.

STEVE: I hate deuce. Deuce turns the playful and sophisticated nature of your average tennis match and turns it into a kind of sudden-death marathon tournament, where you keep playing until one of you falls over.

BOB: I don't think that's how it works, but I'm glad you lost that set. I'm so glad you get to play another set. I'm so glad I get to wait another twenty minutes.

STEVE: I get what you're trying to do, but I don't really care. I am literally angry at this character I'm playing against. His taunts have driven me to the edge.

BOB: Not to get off-topic, but can you re-design your character? He looks kind of horribly ugly. I find it hilarious that there's a "face spots" part of the character design screen, in case anybody would be interested in that kind of thing.

STEVE: "This tennis game is fun, but optional Face Spots would make it more fun."

BOB: That must have been a weird focus group to be in. "Yeah, this model's pretty, but she'd be prettier with some more Face Spots."

STEVE: We lost the tournament, you know. I think we'll have to try out Exhibition mode. On Easy. Doubles.

BOB: Hard court.

STEVE: Yes.

(EXHIBITION.)

BOB: I think the battery's dying in my controller.

STEVE: No, it's just not super-easy like Mario Tennis.

BOB: Everything was better in Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Maybe, but I don't recall there being Training levels. Or the promise of Online play.

BOB: Why would I want to play this game online if I can't even beat the computer on EASY?

STEVE: Career mode wasn't on Easy. Career mode was on "learn and it'll get easier."

BOB: I don't even think those training stats did anything.

STEVE: Did that momentum meter do anything in Career mode? Because it's giving us trick shots here in Exhibition mode.

BOB: It didn't, and we only get extra trick shots if we win a point. Which we haven't.

STEVE: Man will one day invent the necessary words to convey the frustration I'm feeling with this game.

BOB: But it's oddly compelling. Like, I know I'm horrible at it, but I still want to play it to get better at it.

STEVE: Some would call that depth.

BOB: Yeah, some would. I think it's pretty enjoyable, once you accept the fact that the game hates you.

STEVE: And the AI is totally unforgiving.

BOB: Yes. And it's not Mario Tennis at all, so I'd keep little kids away from it.

STEVE: Unless they're really big braggarts or something. "Hey, I beat Mario Tennis in one hour, YAWN."

BOB: "Here Billy, try out Top Spin 2."

STEVE: "I see the error of my ways. Here is a twenty-dollar bill."

BOB: At that point I'd wonder where my kid got ahold of twenty dollars that he didn't try to force out of my wallet. Probably through Mario Tennis hustling.

STEVE: I'd wonder how you managed to have a child.

BOB: Indeed.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360