The cold winter air swept through Maxwell's rooster hat.
It is a fine day for Scribbling, he whispered to himself. He whispered this before every mission.
Earlier in the day, Maxwell received this mission via a phone call. "Please help my husband," a woman cried, "because he is on a boat that is headed straight for an iceberg!"
Maxwell hesitated briefly, and asked: "Why doesn't he just turn around?"
The wife was silent. And then later, she was not silent. "Please, just help him."
That was then, and this was now. Maxwell stood on solid ground, and watched as the oblivious man headed straight for his doom. It was obvious to everyone else, but why not this idiot? Was he some kind of idiot?
Maxwell knew what he had to do. He had to make the man see fear—and what better way to make someone see fear than by summoning something terrible with your magic notepad? Sure, his methods might be a little extreme, but Maxwell was known for getting the job done—in a very extreme way.
Turning to face the man in the boat, Maxwell whipped out his magic notepad, and wrote the word that he was so well-known for writing.
KRAKEN.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Scribblenauts is a DS game where you, the main character, can summon just about anything. Let me restate that: YOU CAN SUMMON JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT VULGAR OR TRADEMARKED OR ALCOHOL FOR SOME REASON.
The alcohol part confuses me, because there are a wide variety of firearms that you can summon. Like, all of them. Think of a firearm! Did you think of TREBUCHET? That's not really a "firearm", but it's in there!! YOU CAN SUMMON A TREBUCHET.
Summoning is done by means of a magic notepad, that you can access by tapping the "magic summoning notepad" button. You can actually write in names one letter at a time, which takes forever, or you can type them in with a virtual keyboard. This is the good way to play the game. The other way is the lame way.
Possibly one of the greatest parts of summoning items is that these items interact with each other. Cats chase dogs, God kills dinosaurs, and you can fire trebuchets at chocolatiers. These are all things that can actually happen in the game. And that all can take place at the title screen.
Yes, before you dive into the 220 levels of the game, you are dumped into a menu screen where you can access your magic notepad, and summon anything that is in the game's library. Squid? You got it. Stadium? Big, but sure. Kraken? Of course you can summon a Kraken.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For The Peaks, this was considered good weather. Of course, it was only because there were volcanoes going off in the background for some reason. This balanced out the normally wintery atmosphere of The Peaks.
"My sheep", said the shepherd. "He is separated from all my other sheep."
"I don't see the problem," said Maxwell, lying. He already saw the problem, and he knew the answer. But he needed the shepherd to give him a reason.
"There is the small matter," said the shepherd (nervously), "of a wolf."
Maxwell nodded. He knew before he came that he would have to send a creature to a creaturegrave. This sheep needed saving, and he knew what he had to do.
Motioning for the shepherd to take a step back, Maxwell Scribbled something down in his magic notepad. Instantly, a large red seamonster fell from the sky, and landed atop the wolf. The two engaged in combat briefly, with the seamonster having the definite edge. As soon as the wolf was felled, Maxwell made another Scribble into his pad. Instantly again, the seamonster disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The shepherd watched in awe as Maxwell retrieved the small sheep by using a fishing rod that he appeared to have summoned in the same manner. Maxwell made his way over, and began to unhook the sheep.
"What was that?" asked the shepherd, bewildered.
"It's a fishing rod," said Maxwell.
"No," said the shepherd, bewildered and frustrated. "The other thing."
Maxwell smirked. "Do you mean…the Kraken?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The game features 10 different worlds, with 22 levels each. These levels are split into two different categories—"puzzle" and "action". Both gametypes involve you collecting a Starite, or Generic Video Game Collectible, to end the level. "Puzzle" levels focus more on accomplishing tasks, while "action" levels focus more on getting to the part of the level that happens to contain the Generic Video Game Collectible.
The game's biggest fault is its controls, although I don't seem to mind them as much as some reviews have indicated. In case you weren't aware, Maxwell's motion is all controlled by the touch screen. While you might think you know exactly how this works, you probably don't. If you tap somewhere that doesn't require you to climb or whatever, Maxwell will run to that location. You will probably send Maxwell off the edge of platforms several times, since you will be trying to control him the wrong way.
At least, I did.
However, that isn't really a big deal to me, since I can have Maxwell wear a JETPACK whenever I want to. YEAH THAT CAN HAPPEN. Let's spawn twenty jetpacks!
Oh, wait. Each level has an item "par", which is like golf, except not really. You can go over par, but you don't get as many points for that level, and you get less Ollars, which are like dollars, except not really. Ollars are used to unlock more levels and, I don't know, stuff from the unlockables menu.
Also, just to keep you from spawning twenty jetpacks, there's a limit on the amount of overall items you can spawn at once. Fortunately, you can delete items you've spawned whenever you want. This means you can dispose of that Kraken before he eats all of the sheep.
Did I mention that this game has a level editor?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"How did your cat get on the roof?" Maxwell didn't need to know the answer. The answer was not important.
"I don't know, he just does it sometimes." The woman was worried. The woman wanted to pet her cat, to ease her tension, but the cat being on the roof was the source of her tension, which caused her to experience more tension.
This was serious. Maxwell could sense some sort of tension. He pulled out his notepad, and began to Scribble.
"Do you want the cat dead... or alive?" he asked, knowing the answer.
"Alive," the woman responded.
Maxwell paused. Alive?
He scratched out the K-R-A he had begun to write, and thought about it for a moment.
"Are you sure?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The game's level editor allows you to build a new level using the terrain from any level you've cleared. Then, it's really all up to you. Write in some objects, set their logic, and place a Starite wherever you want it. Then you can name it, set a clue, and send it to your friends.
Yeah, that's right, your friends. Scribblenauts doesn't have a level database or anything, so you have to exchange friend codes with people to get their levels. It's a little irritating, and is probably the other major flaw in Scribblenauts.
However, did you know that you can make a bear fight a pirate? And that the pirate WINS? It is clear to all of you that this is awesome.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The room was too small. Maxwell didn't like it.
Too small for a Kraken.
In the corner, a child wept. Closer to Maxwell, a clown wept. Less close, but hotter, the child's mother wept hotly.
A lone piñata hung from a rope that was way too thick.
"He does not have a bat," the mother explained seductively. At least, Maxwell thought it was pretty seductive.
"Would you like me to give him a bat?" asked Maxwell, miffed. He was a Scribblenaut, not a Delivernaut. Delivernauts don't even exist.
The mother shook her head. "He will use it irresponsibly," she said, and Maxwell was sure that she winked at him. Or she blinked, and he couldn't see her other eye.
"Why is the clown crying?"
"He has a computer science degree, but he is merely a party clown."
Maxwell nodded with understanding. He flirtatiously removed his notepad from his pocket. "Do you want your son dead... or alive?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In closing, buy Scribblenauts.
It is a fine day for Scribbling, he whispered to himself. He whispered this before every mission.
Earlier in the day, Maxwell received this mission via a phone call. "Please help my husband," a woman cried, "because he is on a boat that is headed straight for an iceberg!"
Maxwell hesitated briefly, and asked: "Why doesn't he just turn around?"
The wife was silent. And then later, she was not silent. "Please, just help him."
That was then, and this was now. Maxwell stood on solid ground, and watched as the oblivious man headed straight for his doom. It was obvious to everyone else, but why not this idiot? Was he some kind of idiot?
Maxwell knew what he had to do. He had to make the man see fear—and what better way to make someone see fear than by summoning something terrible with your magic notepad? Sure, his methods might be a little extreme, but Maxwell was known for getting the job done—in a very extreme way.
Turning to face the man in the boat, Maxwell whipped out his magic notepad, and wrote the word that he was so well-known for writing.
KRAKEN.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Scribblenauts is a DS game where you, the main character, can summon just about anything. Let me restate that: YOU CAN SUMMON JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT VULGAR OR TRADEMARKED OR ALCOHOL FOR SOME REASON.
The alcohol part confuses me, because there are a wide variety of firearms that you can summon. Like, all of them. Think of a firearm! Did you think of TREBUCHET? That's not really a "firearm", but it's in there!! YOU CAN SUMMON A TREBUCHET.
Summoning is done by means of a magic notepad, that you can access by tapping the "magic summoning notepad" button. You can actually write in names one letter at a time, which takes forever, or you can type them in with a virtual keyboard. This is the good way to play the game. The other way is the lame way.
Possibly one of the greatest parts of summoning items is that these items interact with each other. Cats chase dogs, God kills dinosaurs, and you can fire trebuchets at chocolatiers. These are all things that can actually happen in the game. And that all can take place at the title screen.
Yes, before you dive into the 220 levels of the game, you are dumped into a menu screen where you can access your magic notepad, and summon anything that is in the game's library. Squid? You got it. Stadium? Big, but sure. Kraken? Of course you can summon a Kraken.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For The Peaks, this was considered good weather. Of course, it was only because there were volcanoes going off in the background for some reason. This balanced out the normally wintery atmosphere of The Peaks.
"My sheep", said the shepherd. "He is separated from all my other sheep."
"I don't see the problem," said Maxwell, lying. He already saw the problem, and he knew the answer. But he needed the shepherd to give him a reason.
"There is the small matter," said the shepherd (nervously), "of a wolf."
Maxwell nodded. He knew before he came that he would have to send a creature to a creaturegrave. This sheep needed saving, and he knew what he had to do.
Motioning for the shepherd to take a step back, Maxwell Scribbled something down in his magic notepad. Instantly, a large red seamonster fell from the sky, and landed atop the wolf. The two engaged in combat briefly, with the seamonster having the definite edge. As soon as the wolf was felled, Maxwell made another Scribble into his pad. Instantly again, the seamonster disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The shepherd watched in awe as Maxwell retrieved the small sheep by using a fishing rod that he appeared to have summoned in the same manner. Maxwell made his way over, and began to unhook the sheep.
"What was that?" asked the shepherd, bewildered.
"It's a fishing rod," said Maxwell.
"No," said the shepherd, bewildered and frustrated. "The other thing."
Maxwell smirked. "Do you mean…the Kraken?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The game features 10 different worlds, with 22 levels each. These levels are split into two different categories—"puzzle" and "action". Both gametypes involve you collecting a Starite, or Generic Video Game Collectible, to end the level. "Puzzle" levels focus more on accomplishing tasks, while "action" levels focus more on getting to the part of the level that happens to contain the Generic Video Game Collectible.
The game's biggest fault is its controls, although I don't seem to mind them as much as some reviews have indicated. In case you weren't aware, Maxwell's motion is all controlled by the touch screen. While you might think you know exactly how this works, you probably don't. If you tap somewhere that doesn't require you to climb or whatever, Maxwell will run to that location. You will probably send Maxwell off the edge of platforms several times, since you will be trying to control him the wrong way.
At least, I did.
However, that isn't really a big deal to me, since I can have Maxwell wear a JETPACK whenever I want to. YEAH THAT CAN HAPPEN. Let's spawn twenty jetpacks!
Oh, wait. Each level has an item "par", which is like golf, except not really. You can go over par, but you don't get as many points for that level, and you get less Ollars, which are like dollars, except not really. Ollars are used to unlock more levels and, I don't know, stuff from the unlockables menu.
Also, just to keep you from spawning twenty jetpacks, there's a limit on the amount of overall items you can spawn at once. Fortunately, you can delete items you've spawned whenever you want. This means you can dispose of that Kraken before he eats all of the sheep.
Did I mention that this game has a level editor?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"How did your cat get on the roof?" Maxwell didn't need to know the answer. The answer was not important.
"I don't know, he just does it sometimes." The woman was worried. The woman wanted to pet her cat, to ease her tension, but the cat being on the roof was the source of her tension, which caused her to experience more tension.
This was serious. Maxwell could sense some sort of tension. He pulled out his notepad, and began to Scribble.
"Do you want the cat dead... or alive?" he asked, knowing the answer.
"Alive," the woman responded.
Maxwell paused. Alive?
He scratched out the K-R-A he had begun to write, and thought about it for a moment.
"Are you sure?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The game's level editor allows you to build a new level using the terrain from any level you've cleared. Then, it's really all up to you. Write in some objects, set their logic, and place a Starite wherever you want it. Then you can name it, set a clue, and send it to your friends.
Yeah, that's right, your friends. Scribblenauts doesn't have a level database or anything, so you have to exchange friend codes with people to get their levels. It's a little irritating, and is probably the other major flaw in Scribblenauts.
However, did you know that you can make a bear fight a pirate? And that the pirate WINS? It is clear to all of you that this is awesome.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The room was too small. Maxwell didn't like it.
Too small for a Kraken.
In the corner, a child wept. Closer to Maxwell, a clown wept. Less close, but hotter, the child's mother wept hotly.
A lone piñata hung from a rope that was way too thick.
"He does not have a bat," the mother explained seductively. At least, Maxwell thought it was pretty seductive.
"Would you like me to give him a bat?" asked Maxwell, miffed. He was a Scribblenaut, not a Delivernaut. Delivernauts don't even exist.
The mother shook her head. "He will use it irresponsibly," she said, and Maxwell was sure that she winked at him. Or she blinked, and he couldn't see her other eye.
"Why is the clown crying?"
"He has a computer science degree, but he is merely a party clown."
Maxwell nodded with understanding. He flirtatiously removed his notepad from his pocket. "Do you want your son dead... or alive?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In closing, buy Scribblenauts.
Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews
Review: Professor Layton and the Curious Village (DS)
Published Friday, February 15, 2008 by Mike A.
[send feedback]
A mysterious letter. A strange town. A large, structurally impractical tower.
This is the world of Professor Layton and his apprentice, Luke. Intrigue, suspense, investigating.
All this talk reminds me of a puzzle.
PUZZLE 001
Bill, a man who is known for cheating everybody out of their money, because he claims they deserve it, because they don't really put that much thought into what he says before handing over their money, because he claims that everything he tells people is ridiculously simple to figure out, claims that he can predict the score of any football game even before the game begins.
How is this possible?
(answers at the bottom of the review)
Oh, forgive me for asking you to solve a puzzle that had almost nothing to do with my narrative. Hey! That reminds me of something: the entire gameplay of Professor Layton.
Don't get me wrong. The puzzles are absolutely brilliant in Professor Layton. Even if you've heard some of these brain teasers before, I can guarantee that you haven't played them on the DS before. Unless you're Japanese, and you played this game in Japanese. In which case, why don't you finish writing this review for me, jerk? Jerk-san?
That also reminds me of a puzzle!
PUZZLE 002
Mary and JoAnn are bootleggers. Each of them have several bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey.
Mary drunkenly remarks, "Yyyyyyyyyyyyknow, JoAnn, iffffffyou gifffffffvme oneoffyour bathtubssss, I'll hafff twice as--hic--twice as--hic--...double what you haffff."
JoAnn has a hollow leg. "Mary, you old drunk! If you give me one of YOUR bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey, we'll have EXACTLY THE SAME number of goats. And by goats, i mean bathtubs full of whiskey."
Although both Mary and JoAnn have consumed large amounts of bathtub whiskey, they're both right. How many bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey do Mary and JoAnn have?
Puzzles in the game are rated by Picarats, which show you how difficult each puzzle is. The easiest puzzle is a 10-picarat puzzle, and the hardest weighs in at 99 picarats. Some of the easier puzzles require you to recognize shapes of things. By that, I mean, the first puzzle requires you to recognize the shape of something. I won't tell you what. The harder puzzles actually require you to do some math. The game realizes this, and usually lets you write on the touch screen as if it were a piece of scratch paper. (I still needed to whip out the ol' calculator every once in a while.)
The game also provides you with a hint system. There are three hints for any of the 135 puzzles, which can be unlocked with Hint Coins. There are a limited number of Hint Coins in the game, which are hidden around the village like the hidden puzzles.
The game's story is actually pretty charming, despite the fact that the puzzles might seem out of place. However, after LEARNING THE GAME'S SECRETS...I get it. It all makes sense. I really don't want to ruin it, but it makes sense.
There are 120 puzzles in the main game. When you're not solving puzzles, you're exploring the village, talking to people and searching for hidden stuff. Most of the puzzles come from villagers, but a number of them are hidden in almost completely random places. (Here's a hint: one of them is by some random window in some room. CLICK EVERYTHING.)
The game features--hold on, I just remembered a puzzle!
PUZZLE 003
Steve was making apricot dynamite. He cut up all the apricots into the Bombamatic™ and pressed "Bombify!" However, he forgot to add in the nitroglycerin--35 grams per apricot. How will he know how to add the proper amount of nitroglycerin?
The game features a large amount of video and voice acting--for a DS game, anyway. It probably adds up to like 10 minutes of video. I'm not really sure, it could be more! The animation in the video is well done. I'd probably watch a Professor Layton movie. It was that awesome.
During the course of the game, you can unlock the remaining 15 bonus puzzles by accomplishing certain tasks. These challenges are HARD. At least, they were hard for me. If you're a super genius man or woman with a brain so big that you have to wear external brain packs taped around your waist like a belt, then you can probably solve them without buying any hints.
If 135 puzzles isn't enough for you, Mr/Ms Brainpack, the game allows you to download weekly new puzzles via Nintendo Wi-Fi. As I understand it, this game has been out over a year in Japan, and they are still receiving new puzzles every week.
The game also has a TOP SECRET PASSWORD that you can only get by playing the sequel to the game. You heard me...MORE PROFESSOR LAYTON.
I AGREE, NINTENDO. BRING IT ON.
That reminds me of a puzzle.
PUZZLE 004
You are flying the Millennium Falcon. The Falcon can make the Kessel Run in just under 12 parsecs. Chewbacca eats 12 bananas every parsec. R2-D2 beeps 32 times for every banana Chewbacca eats. Luke Skywalker whines constantly throughout the trip. Princess Leia redoes her hairdo every 3 parsecs, while C-3P0 says 62 words per beep. Who is in the pilot's seat?
Professor Layton is an absolute must buy. If you don't buy this game eventually, then you don't like video games. Are you gonna let some random person on the internet accuse you of not liking video games? I didn't think so.
HIGHLIGHT FOR ANSWERS:
001: Bill says that the score of every game is 0 to 0 at the beginning of each game. Bill is a horrible person, and his children hate him.
002: Mary has 7, and JoAnn has 5. THAT'S A LOT OF BOOTLEGGING!
003: By counting the pits, silly! Steve later accidentally exploded in his lab.
004: No, the answer isn't "you," it's Han Solo. No exceptions.
This is the world of Professor Layton and his apprentice, Luke. Intrigue, suspense, investigating.
All this talk reminds me of a puzzle.
PUZZLE 001
Bill, a man who is known for cheating everybody out of their money, because he claims they deserve it, because they don't really put that much thought into what he says before handing over their money, because he claims that everything he tells people is ridiculously simple to figure out, claims that he can predict the score of any football game even before the game begins.
How is this possible?
(answers at the bottom of the review)
Oh, forgive me for asking you to solve a puzzle that had almost nothing to do with my narrative. Hey! That reminds me of something: the entire gameplay of Professor Layton.
Don't get me wrong. The puzzles are absolutely brilliant in Professor Layton. Even if you've heard some of these brain teasers before, I can guarantee that you haven't played them on the DS before. Unless you're Japanese, and you played this game in Japanese. In which case, why don't you finish writing this review for me, jerk? Jerk-san?
That also reminds me of a puzzle!
PUZZLE 002
Mary and JoAnn are bootleggers. Each of them have several bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey.
Mary drunkenly remarks, "Yyyyyyyyyyyyknow, JoAnn, iffffffyou gifffffffvme oneoffyour bathtubssss, I'll hafff twice as--hic--twice as--hic--...double what you haffff."
JoAnn has a hollow leg. "Mary, you old drunk! If you give me one of YOUR bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey, we'll have EXACTLY THE SAME number of goats. And by goats, i mean bathtubs full of whiskey."
Although both Mary and JoAnn have consumed large amounts of bathtub whiskey, they're both right. How many bathtubs full of bathtub whiskey do Mary and JoAnn have?
Puzzles in the game are rated by Picarats, which show you how difficult each puzzle is. The easiest puzzle is a 10-picarat puzzle, and the hardest weighs in at 99 picarats. Some of the easier puzzles require you to recognize shapes of things. By that, I mean, the first puzzle requires you to recognize the shape of something. I won't tell you what. The harder puzzles actually require you to do some math. The game realizes this, and usually lets you write on the touch screen as if it were a piece of scratch paper. (I still needed to whip out the ol' calculator every once in a while.)
The game also provides you with a hint system. There are three hints for any of the 135 puzzles, which can be unlocked with Hint Coins. There are a limited number of Hint Coins in the game, which are hidden around the village like the hidden puzzles.
The game's story is actually pretty charming, despite the fact that the puzzles might seem out of place. However, after LEARNING THE GAME'S SECRETS...I get it. It all makes sense. I really don't want to ruin it, but it makes sense.
There are 120 puzzles in the main game. When you're not solving puzzles, you're exploring the village, talking to people and searching for hidden stuff. Most of the puzzles come from villagers, but a number of them are hidden in almost completely random places. (Here's a hint: one of them is by some random window in some room. CLICK EVERYTHING.)
The game features--hold on, I just remembered a puzzle!
PUZZLE 003
Steve was making apricot dynamite. He cut up all the apricots into the Bombamatic™ and pressed "Bombify!" However, he forgot to add in the nitroglycerin--35 grams per apricot. How will he know how to add the proper amount of nitroglycerin?
The game features a large amount of video and voice acting--for a DS game, anyway. It probably adds up to like 10 minutes of video. I'm not really sure, it could be more! The animation in the video is well done. I'd probably watch a Professor Layton movie. It was that awesome.
During the course of the game, you can unlock the remaining 15 bonus puzzles by accomplishing certain tasks. These challenges are HARD. At least, they were hard for me. If you're a super genius man or woman with a brain so big that you have to wear external brain packs taped around your waist like a belt, then you can probably solve them without buying any hints.
If 135 puzzles isn't enough for you, Mr/Ms Brainpack, the game allows you to download weekly new puzzles via Nintendo Wi-Fi. As I understand it, this game has been out over a year in Japan, and they are still receiving new puzzles every week.
The game also has a TOP SECRET PASSWORD that you can only get by playing the sequel to the game. You heard me...MORE PROFESSOR LAYTON.
I AGREE, NINTENDO. BRING IT ON.
That reminds me of a puzzle.
PUZZLE 004
You are flying the Millennium Falcon. The Falcon can make the Kessel Run in just under 12 parsecs. Chewbacca eats 12 bananas every parsec. R2-D2 beeps 32 times for every banana Chewbacca eats. Luke Skywalker whines constantly throughout the trip. Princess Leia redoes her hairdo every 3 parsecs, while C-3P0 says 62 words per beep. Who is in the pilot's seat?
Professor Layton is an absolute must buy. If you don't buy this game eventually, then you don't like video games. Are you gonna let some random person on the internet accuse you of not liking video games? I didn't think so.
HIGHLIGHT FOR ANSWERS:
001: Bill says that the score of every game is 0 to 0 at the beginning of each game. Bill is a horrible person, and his children hate him.
002: Mary has 7, and JoAnn has 5. THAT'S A LOT OF BOOTLEGGING!
003: By counting the pits, silly! Steve later accidentally exploded in his lab.
004: No, the answer isn't "you," it's Han Solo. No exceptions.
Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews
Japandemonium: Hiite Utaeru DS Guitar M-06
Published Wednesday, July 18, 2007 by Mike A. [send feedback]
Get it? It's like the word "pandemonium" and "Japan" mixed together. ISN'T THAT SO CLEVER?!
One of my favorite video games ever is Guitar Hero (which I've reviewed). I know it's no substitute for a real guitar--all of the songs are pre-recorded. Most of them are cover songs. Some of the singers of the covers are terrible. However, it more than makes up for this in the gameplay, which is completely awesome and addictive.
Anyway, when it comes to a game such as Hiite Utaeru DS Guitar M-06, a quote springs to mind. I don't know what it's from, but this is the Internet, so I'll post it anyway:
THIS IS NO GAME.
That might not even be a quote.
The point I'm trying to make is that Hiite Utaeru DS Guitar M-06, or "M-06" as I've decided to refer to it, is not really that great of a game at all. "Wait a minute," you ask, "isn't this supposed to be a video game review site? What's up with all the guitar stuff and the iPhone pictures?" Let me explain. This guitar thing is awesome, and I really want an iPhone. More on that later.
M-06 is essentially a guitar simulator. It is, more accurately, a guitar chord simulator, that lets you play guitar chords. "That sounds lame," you say. It DOES, but it sounds pretty good. You may not be fooled, sitting there, strumming your DS with your stylus, but it is pretty decent, considering. The sound on the DS is, unfortunately, fuzzier than Fuzzy Wuzzy if he had hair, because Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? No, he wasn't. But the point I'm trying to make is that, if Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear who also happened to have hair, then he might be as fuzzy as the sound output of the DS.
But I digress.
M-06 is set up thusly: the touch screen displays something that is apparently supposed to represent a single guitar string. It's a big line that runs horizontally through the screen, and it sort of jiggles when you strum. The top screen displays chord names in a square shape. 8 of them indicate 8 directions on the D-Pad. These directions are customizable--so you can set "Up" to be G, "Left" to be E minor, "Down" to be C, and "Right" to be D, and you can play In the Aeroplane Over the Sea while you are actually IN an AIRPLANE over the OCEAN. See what I did there?
Pressing either of the shoulder buttons presents you with an entirely different set of chords, meaning that you can easily access 16 chords at any given time. You must hold down a direction and strum at the same time--sort of like playing a real guitar, or, for the nerdier of us, sort of like playing Guitar Hero. There are no points, and some may even say that there is no point.
There is some semblance of a video game here, though. Preloaded on the cartridge is a selection of--apparently--Japanese songs with Japanese lyrics. You can play along with these songs, and sing the lyrics if you know how to read Japanese. However, there's not really a way to lose this mode, since it doesn't follow a rhythm or a timer of any kind. As long as you eventually play the chords it tells you to, you will pass the level. Your reward is just as exciting as the game--different colors for the string on the touch screen. Great. There's another game, which is more challenging, that tests if you can recognize the sounds of chords without seeing the name. This is actually pretty fun, and is more like some kind of Brain Age test than anything.
The game has some different modes. One mode lets you adjust the sensitivity of three different areas on the string. This is hard (for me) to explain accurately, but I'm going to try anyway, using funny terms. See, when you strum down, it goes BWAAA! and when you strum up it goes bwaaa! So it's quieter, like when you really strum up on a guitar. So when you do this divide-y thingy, it seperates the string into three sections. One of the sections makes it harder for a down-strum to sound like BWAAA, which means you can make it go bwaaa if you really want that sound. This is all complicated, and it's all written in Japanese, so I don't use any of these.
You can change the tuning of the guitar, and you can change which direction you are going to use for up and down strumming. A mode called "LiveMode" moves the menu button off of the touch screen, so that--I guess--while you are plying this DS game in concert, you will not accidentally exit out to the menu. There's an option that apparently sets it to "headphones mode" and I guess makes it louder or something. You can also add reverb, which is pretty fun.
Why would you play this? Well, it's FUN. It's NOVEL, right? Right. Plus, it helps you practice playing songs--if you're into that. You can also try to get the proper cables and record yourself some acoustic music. This is more fun than it should be. Girls also like guys that can play guitar. I can't say if the same is true for guitar video games, but it's something to think about.
This game is being translated and improved, and is coming overseas to this country--the country that I am in, which is the United States, which is the country that I am posting this from. The new name for the game is Jam Sessions, and it's going to come with a built-in recorder and more effects pedals. I know, it sounds great, right?! Right.
If you're interested, wait until Jam Sessions comes out. Unless you happen to be in Japan. Or you have money coming out of your nostrils that you can waste on importing DS titles.
That's disgusting.
Labels: Japandemonium, Nintendo DS, Reviews
Review: (I'm Not Entirely Sure How I Feel About) Spectrobes
Published Tuesday, April 03, 2007 by Mike A. [send feedback]
I'm not sure if this counts as a review or not, because I haven't gotten very far in the game yet.
Spectrobes is some new kind of RPG for the DS. The story takes place in space, like 50% of RPGs. The story involves fossils, of which there are like three different kinds in the first couple areas. It's basically like Pokemon, except it's lamer and harder to catch stuff and there's way less strategy involved. Also, it's made by Disney, which doesn't really matter because it has absolutely nothing to do with any lame Disney properties (I'm looking at you, Country Bear Jamboree!)
I don't think the actual storyline matters, but it goes a little something like this:
While you are out space-adventuring one day, you get a call about a Mysterious Object on some random planet. You are forced to investigate, because you're in the Space Police or something. When you investigate, you find some kind of magic wristwatch, and a frozen guy in a pod, who I will now refer to as "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer." You also engage in a battle with an evil purple cloud of monsters, which you battle with these other monsters that live inside the wristwatch.
I told you it didn't matter.
There are about 4000000000 things you have to do in this game, and I'm not entirely sure how fun any of them are. Let me give you a rundown of the flow of the game, for reference.
After you take Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer back to the ship and talk to him and get the traditional "save the world" spiel, you get a "follower" Spectrobe that follows you around. The follower guy helps you seek out Spectrobe fossils, which is what you will spend more time doing than actual battle.
To search for fossils, you have to touch the Spectrobe with the stylus. He emits a little circle of searchy-energy-stuff around him, and any hidden fossils/items show up as sparkly things. You tap one of those, and then a digging minigame starts, which I'll get to in a minute.
Let it be known that you have to actually stop walking to scan the immediate area around you for fossils. I'm pretty sure that item placement is mostly random, too, which means you'll be spending a lot of time walking and stopping. One hand on the D-Pad and one hand with the stylus hovering directly over the Spectrobe. It's like, I don't know, if you had to stop running every five seconds during the marathon. Or something equally irritating.
At least battles aren't random. Instead, purple tornadoes of monsters fly around the map, and if you hit one, you're sucked into a battle. Remember Dizzy Devil from Tiny Toon Adventures? It's kind of like that.
Before I get into the battle, let me talk about this digging minigame. Since it's about digging, it naturally takes place on the touch screen. You have to tap the screen a few times to break past a couple layers of rock, and then you see part of the fossil/item sticking out of the ground. At this point you press a shoulder button to "scan" for the basic shape of the fossil, then drill around it. This minigame is actually sort of fun, because there is all kinds of strategies for carefully removing the fossil from the ground (if you drill the fossil accidentally, you damage it, which is NO GOOD because you can lower the stats of the Spectrobe or destroy it).
Battle is a whole different story. You only take two Spectrobes into battle, because each one is assigned to a shoulder button. Your character, RandomAnimeGuy, also joins in on the action, but his attacks are mostly lame at the beginning of the game. It's a real-time battle, which is right up my alley, and you can walk anywhere within the little battle arena area. This is sort of weird, because you are moving three characters at the same time--they're not "following" you, they actually move at the same time RandomAnimeGuy moves. It's different, to say the least.
Attacks are carried out via the shoulder buttons. The Spectrobes you get at the beginning of the game pretty much just attack when you hit the buttons. However, I obtained some high-level Spectrobes through the really interesting code entry system, and they get entire attack menus upon command. I don't know if this is level-specific or Spectrobe-specific, but it's a lot easier to press R, then choose Attack, then choose which enemy to attack than it is to press R and hope you were aiming your Spectrobe at an enemy.
I mentioned the really interesting code entry system because I really like this feature. Somewhere near the beginning of the game, you get an item that unlocks the code entry machine. When you buy this DS game at your local retailer, it comes with some "bonus cards" in the case. The cards are a little see-through, and they have 7 numbered holes poking through them. When you start up the code entry system, you have to place the card on your touch screen and tap through each hole in order. I don't know why this is so amazing, but it is. The best part is that you can just LOOK at a card--or better yet, a scan of the card that you find on the Internet--and tap in the approximate areas. It helps if you get the high-level Spectrobe cards, so that you can cheat, like me.
After you dig up a fossil, you have to "awaken" it back at your spaceship. This involves a weird minigame that I don't like as much as the digging game. Awakening your fossils involves yelling into the microphone at a species-specific volume for three seconds straight. It's more fun if you don't want to yell at the game, like me, and if you try and find substitutions for yelling at it. Blowing into the microphone works, and running your finger over the microphone seems to work on the DS lite.
Overall, it's not a bad way to waste time, right now--although I hope that I end up finding more than just the same four kinds of fossils. Battle takes a while to get used to, but when it works, it's not bad. I didn't get to test out the online features, but from what I gather, there isn't any online battle, so I probably won't get into it anyway.
In short, it's fun, but it's no Pokemon.
Spectrobes is some new kind of RPG for the DS. The story takes place in space, like 50% of RPGs. The story involves fossils, of which there are like three different kinds in the first couple areas. It's basically like Pokemon, except it's lamer and harder to catch stuff and there's way less strategy involved. Also, it's made by Disney, which doesn't really matter because it has absolutely nothing to do with any lame Disney properties (I'm looking at you, Country Bear Jamboree!)
I don't think the actual storyline matters, but it goes a little something like this:
While you are out space-adventuring one day, you get a call about a Mysterious Object on some random planet. You are forced to investigate, because you're in the Space Police or something. When you investigate, you find some kind of magic wristwatch, and a frozen guy in a pod, who I will now refer to as "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer." You also engage in a battle with an evil purple cloud of monsters, which you battle with these other monsters that live inside the wristwatch.
I told you it didn't matter.
There are about 4000000000 things you have to do in this game, and I'm not entirely sure how fun any of them are. Let me give you a rundown of the flow of the game, for reference.
After you take Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer back to the ship and talk to him and get the traditional "save the world" spiel, you get a "follower" Spectrobe that follows you around. The follower guy helps you seek out Spectrobe fossils, which is what you will spend more time doing than actual battle.
To search for fossils, you have to touch the Spectrobe with the stylus. He emits a little circle of searchy-energy-stuff around him, and any hidden fossils/items show up as sparkly things. You tap one of those, and then a digging minigame starts, which I'll get to in a minute.
Let it be known that you have to actually stop walking to scan the immediate area around you for fossils. I'm pretty sure that item placement is mostly random, too, which means you'll be spending a lot of time walking and stopping. One hand on the D-Pad and one hand with the stylus hovering directly over the Spectrobe. It's like, I don't know, if you had to stop running every five seconds during the marathon. Or something equally irritating.
At least battles aren't random. Instead, purple tornadoes of monsters fly around the map, and if you hit one, you're sucked into a battle. Remember Dizzy Devil from Tiny Toon Adventures? It's kind of like that.
Before I get into the battle, let me talk about this digging minigame. Since it's about digging, it naturally takes place on the touch screen. You have to tap the screen a few times to break past a couple layers of rock, and then you see part of the fossil/item sticking out of the ground. At this point you press a shoulder button to "scan" for the basic shape of the fossil, then drill around it. This minigame is actually sort of fun, because there is all kinds of strategies for carefully removing the fossil from the ground (if you drill the fossil accidentally, you damage it, which is NO GOOD because you can lower the stats of the Spectrobe or destroy it).
Battle is a whole different story. You only take two Spectrobes into battle, because each one is assigned to a shoulder button. Your character, RandomAnimeGuy, also joins in on the action, but his attacks are mostly lame at the beginning of the game. It's a real-time battle, which is right up my alley, and you can walk anywhere within the little battle arena area. This is sort of weird, because you are moving three characters at the same time--they're not "following" you, they actually move at the same time RandomAnimeGuy moves. It's different, to say the least.
Attacks are carried out via the shoulder buttons. The Spectrobes you get at the beginning of the game pretty much just attack when you hit the buttons. However, I obtained some high-level Spectrobes through the really interesting code entry system, and they get entire attack menus upon command. I don't know if this is level-specific or Spectrobe-specific, but it's a lot easier to press R, then choose Attack, then choose which enemy to attack than it is to press R and hope you were aiming your Spectrobe at an enemy.
I mentioned the really interesting code entry system because I really like this feature. Somewhere near the beginning of the game, you get an item that unlocks the code entry machine. When you buy this DS game at your local retailer, it comes with some "bonus cards" in the case. The cards are a little see-through, and they have 7 numbered holes poking through them. When you start up the code entry system, you have to place the card on your touch screen and tap through each hole in order. I don't know why this is so amazing, but it is. The best part is that you can just LOOK at a card--or better yet, a scan of the card that you find on the Internet--and tap in the approximate areas. It helps if you get the high-level Spectrobe cards, so that you can cheat, like me.
After you dig up a fossil, you have to "awaken" it back at your spaceship. This involves a weird minigame that I don't like as much as the digging game. Awakening your fossils involves yelling into the microphone at a species-specific volume for three seconds straight. It's more fun if you don't want to yell at the game, like me, and if you try and find substitutions for yelling at it. Blowing into the microphone works, and running your finger over the microphone seems to work on the DS lite.
Overall, it's not a bad way to waste time, right now--although I hope that I end up finding more than just the same four kinds of fossils. Battle takes a while to get used to, but when it works, it's not bad. I didn't get to test out the online features, but from what I gather, there isn't any online battle, so I probably won't get into it anyway.
In short, it's fun, but it's no Pokemon.
Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews
Thank you for your interest in Xbox Rewards. Due to technical issues, you may have experienced difficulties while trying to register for Xbox Rewards. Please accept our sincere apologies. To help make up for any inconvenience this may have caused you, we are providing you with two Xbox LIVE® Arcade games*.
Yes. Yesssssssssss. Thanks, Microsoft. I don't really remember having difficulties, but what are you gonna do? You're going to accept the flippin' free games and keep your mouth shut, is what you're gonna do. I wonder what they are!
Joust (ESRB Rating: E)
Robotron (ESRB Rating: E)
...heyyyyy, that isn't fair! Those both cost 400 MS points! And I already HAVE Robotron!
Well, I guess Joust could be fun. It's a classic, right? And it's not like I have high Xbox Live Arcade standards, anyway--I bought that fish game, after all.
For those of you not familiar with Joust, let me begin with a story. Long long ago, in the Nineteen-Eighties, there was a thing called The Arcade. Wait, never mind, this intro is horrible.
A while back, video games used to be original. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, right? But back then, we didn't have games like Madden 07 or Call of Duty 3 or John Madden Presents: Call of Duty: World War II Shooter 07. We had games like Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Yes, Moonwalker technically came out in 1990, but it belongs in the 80s. And it can take Robo-Jackson and Evil Joe Pesci with it!
While ideas were being thrown around, apparently somebody got the insane idea to make a game about riding ostriches into battle. Maybe I'm just unaware of the big ostrich craze that took place in the 80s. (Did you know that Mario was originally an ostrich? And that Luigi was a taller ostrich?) Aside from the ostrich obssession, they also decided to throw in some pterodactyls. You know, those kinds of pterodactyls? The ones that fly around in the sky, and also happen to be dinosaurs? Yeah. Those.
Eighties(Ostrich + Battle + Pterodactyls) = Joust. That's algebra.
Joust is one of the earlier entries to the Xbox Live Arcade. The presentation is pretty much exactly like that of Robotron, which is to say, not very exciting. I mean, it's a game about battling people while riding an ostrich, right? Shouldn't that be accompanied by a wicked awesome intro screen? It should.
By the way, Wikipedia claims that the ostriches are really "rocs" which are supposedly mythical creatures. Of course, it is Wikipedia. Go on and edit it and say that they are really elephants. Elephants who are tripling their population. Go on, do it. Joust reality has become a commodity!
So, graphics. I won't really say much about graphics. Joust is now presented in High Definition. This is truly a great achievement in the game industry.
Let's make this absolutely clear: either Joust is extremely difficult, or I am just naturally horrible at it. Let me clarify this further: either the controls for Joust were horrible this entire time, or the controls for Joust on Xbox 360 are in themselves horrible. Fortunately, I don't have a Joust arcade cabinet in my house, because it would just be a massive waste of space since I really hate Joust.
So let me explain the controls to Joust. Thumbstick: moves you around. A button: flap your sad little ostrich wings. The controls are simple, but that's not the problem. The problem is the fact that you have very little control while you are in the air. Imagine, if you will, ostriches flying around in the air (can't happen) and then running into each other head on (uh okay) and then bouncing off each other (can't happen) and then trying to turn around in mid-air (can't happen) and it happens to take half an hour because the acceleration is messed up. The point I'm trying to make is that the acceleration is MESSED UP.
Your ostrich basically only has two speeds: "Sitting Duck" speed (slow) and "CLEVER SPACEBALLS REFERENCE" speed (fast). I don't have a name for the speed you're going for the 80% of the game you spend accidentally flying backwards, but I'm sure you'll come up with your own! (May I suggest "I want my 400 points back"?)
The game's sound is accompanied by the standard 80's bloops and bleeps. The thing is, they went through such trouble to try to reproduce an authentic "wing flapping" sound, and it has the comical "woah hit the brakes!" skidding sound, but it beeps when you hit a rock. I know that always happens to me! Also, remember the familiar old Joust theme song? Hint: there wasn't one!
As far as Achievements go, the game has such creative entries as "Get to Wave 5" and "Get to wave 10" and "Get to wave 30" and "Get to Wave 100". Anybody who plays Joust up until Wave 100 deserves way more than 40 Gamerscore for their efforts. They deserve a better game.
There are some other achievements, that have to do with earnestly playing the game, and the like. These ranked Versus ones seem to be the hardest to get, since I defy you to actually find anybody playing this game on Xbox Live. LOL!
To sum this all up, if you don't remember ABSOLUTELY LOVING the arcade version of Joust...don't bother. There are better things to spend your points on, like Geometry Wars, or THE BEST GAME EVER MADE, Galaga.
However, if you happen to receive the same e-mail that I did, with the free download code, go for it.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yes. Yesssssssssss. Thanks, Microsoft. I don't really remember having difficulties, but what are you gonna do? You're going to accept the flippin' free games and keep your mouth shut, is what you're gonna do. I wonder what they are!
Joust (ESRB Rating: E)
Robotron (ESRB Rating: E)
...heyyyyy, that isn't fair! Those both cost 400 MS points! And I already HAVE Robotron!
Well, I guess Joust could be fun. It's a classic, right? And it's not like I have high Xbox Live Arcade standards, anyway--I bought that fish game, after all.
For those of you not familiar with Joust, let me begin with a story. Long long ago, in the Nineteen-Eighties, there was a thing called The Arcade. Wait, never mind, this intro is horrible.
A while back, video games used to be original. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, right? But back then, we didn't have games like Madden 07 or Call of Duty 3 or John Madden Presents: Call of Duty: World War II Shooter 07. We had games like Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Yes, Moonwalker technically came out in 1990, but it belongs in the 80s. And it can take Robo-Jackson and Evil Joe Pesci with it!
While ideas were being thrown around, apparently somebody got the insane idea to make a game about riding ostriches into battle. Maybe I'm just unaware of the big ostrich craze that took place in the 80s. (Did you know that Mario was originally an ostrich? And that Luigi was a taller ostrich?) Aside from the ostrich obssession, they also decided to throw in some pterodactyls. You know, those kinds of pterodactyls? The ones that fly around in the sky, and also happen to be dinosaurs? Yeah. Those.
Eighties(Ostrich + Battle + Pterodactyls) = Joust. That's algebra.
Joust is one of the earlier entries to the Xbox Live Arcade. The presentation is pretty much exactly like that of Robotron, which is to say, not very exciting. I mean, it's a game about battling people while riding an ostrich, right? Shouldn't that be accompanied by a wicked awesome intro screen? It should.
By the way, Wikipedia claims that the ostriches are really "rocs" which are supposedly mythical creatures. Of course, it is Wikipedia. Go on and edit it and say that they are really elephants. Elephants who are tripling their population. Go on, do it. Joust reality has become a commodity!
So, graphics. I won't really say much about graphics. Joust is now presented in High Definition. This is truly a great achievement in the game industry.
Let's make this absolutely clear: either Joust is extremely difficult, or I am just naturally horrible at it. Let me clarify this further: either the controls for Joust were horrible this entire time, or the controls for Joust on Xbox 360 are in themselves horrible. Fortunately, I don't have a Joust arcade cabinet in my house, because it would just be a massive waste of space since I really hate Joust.
So let me explain the controls to Joust. Thumbstick: moves you around. A button: flap your sad little ostrich wings. The controls are simple, but that's not the problem. The problem is the fact that you have very little control while you are in the air. Imagine, if you will, ostriches flying around in the air (can't happen) and then running into each other head on (uh okay) and then bouncing off each other (can't happen) and then trying to turn around in mid-air (can't happen) and it happens to take half an hour because the acceleration is messed up. The point I'm trying to make is that the acceleration is MESSED UP.
Your ostrich basically only has two speeds: "Sitting Duck" speed (slow) and "CLEVER SPACEBALLS REFERENCE" speed (fast). I don't have a name for the speed you're going for the 80% of the game you spend accidentally flying backwards, but I'm sure you'll come up with your own! (May I suggest "I want my 400 points back"?)
The game's sound is accompanied by the standard 80's bloops and bleeps. The thing is, they went through such trouble to try to reproduce an authentic "wing flapping" sound, and it has the comical "woah hit the brakes!" skidding sound, but it beeps when you hit a rock. I know that always happens to me! Also, remember the familiar old Joust theme song? Hint: there wasn't one!
As far as Achievements go, the game has such creative entries as "Get to Wave 5" and "Get to wave 10" and "Get to wave 30" and "Get to Wave 100". Anybody who plays Joust up until Wave 100 deserves way more than 40 Gamerscore for their efforts. They deserve a better game.
There are some other achievements, that have to do with earnestly playing the game, and the like. These ranked Versus ones seem to be the hardest to get, since I defy you to actually find anybody playing this game on Xbox Live. LOL!
To sum this all up, if you don't remember ABSOLUTELY LOVING the arcade version of Joust...don't bother. There are better things to spend your points on, like Geometry Wars, or THE BEST GAME EVER MADE, Galaga.
However, if you happen to receive the same e-mail that I did, with the free download code, go for it.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Every once in a while, gas prices go up. Every once in a while, a good TV show gets cancelled. Every once in a while, someone loses a sock and they blame the dryer.
Every once in a while, a Star Fox game comes out.
Star Fox Command has some interesting predecessors. Star Fox for the SNES featured the Super F/X chip, which graced the SNES with the power to render triangles like no other console could. Star Fox 64 introduced N64 fanatics to the Rumble Pak, and it introduced us all to floating brains that had big eyes flying around at the end of electrical trails. Dinosaur Planet--I mean, Star Fox Adventures--was a game that featured Fox McCloud hitting things with a staff. Star Fox Assault was a game that tried to bring the series back on track, which meant adding a third-person shooter aspect that I didn't like.
When you think about the DS as being a portable N64, and you think about Star Fox Command being a DS release, you may think that this game will be akin to the N64 game. And, well, it's not.
First, I'll get to the characters. Peppy is a General now!
Okay, enough about those guys. Let's talk about the differences between Star Fox 64 and Star Fox Command!
1. No more rails! Instead, you get this new strategy-game-like element which makes up the core of Star Fox Command. At the start of each mission, you are presented with a map, with icons representing the Great Fox, enemy groups, and your entire fleet. That sentence had a lot of commas. From the map, you must draw paths that lead you to the enemy ships, and then engage in dogfights. Occasionally these lead to boss battles (and let's not forget Star Wolf!). Of course, the removal of the rail-shooter element means that it's not as cinematic as Star Fox 64. Remember those falling buildings and columns?! Those were awesome.
2. The controls. Let me make this clear: if you have recently lost your stylus and don't plan on buying another one, forget this game. Let me clarify further: A, B, X, Y, L, R--and the Control Pad--all do the exact same thing: shoot and lock-on. If you thought Metroid was crazy, you'll think this is even crazier. The stylus is used to steer, drop bombs, barrel roll, boost, brake, U-turn, and loop. The bomb-dropping is pretty sweet, because you can drop it anywhere on the radar (which is also featured on the lower screen!).
3. Peppy is a General.
4. The voices. I was tooling around in the options menu, when I ran across an option to replace the "voice" of the characters in-game with my own "voice." I'm a pretty vain person, and I like to feature myself as much as I possibly can within video games. What followed were a series of questions that I was expected to answer via microphone, such as "Who do you like?" (Nintendo!) "What do you like to do?" (...play Nintendo!) "Who do you not like?" (SONY!). After that was complete, I was treated to a sound test screen, which allowed me to play back my voice. All of your answers will be totally unrecognizable beneath the layers of editing and filters. Admittedly, it would be weird for Slippy to say "Hamburgers!" every time he got hit.
5. MULTIPLAYER. Yeah, Star Fox 64 had multiplayer, but here's what bugged me: You always had to have it split the screen four ways. I can't remember if that's true, but if it is, I told you so. Star Fox Command lets you access the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection, and compete with players around the world. The Friend Code system is back, and so is the Rival system from Metroid Prime Hunters. Online dogfights shine, and are extremely exciting. Here's how they sound when I play them: BEEP BEEP BEEP! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa the beeping means I'm being locked on! AAAAAAAAAAAH I GOT SHOT! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA I GOT THE SUPPLY RING I WONDER WHAT IT DOES! AHAHAHA I GOT A STAR AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BEEP BEEP BEEP! No, I don't make the beeps by myself.
If you're looking for Star Fox 64 on DS, this isn't it. If you're looking for a Star Fox game with some strategy elements and beeping multiplayer, this is the game for you.
Plus, Peppy is a General.
Every once in a while, a Star Fox game comes out.
Star Fox Command has some interesting predecessors. Star Fox for the SNES featured the Super F/X chip, which graced the SNES with the power to render triangles like no other console could. Star Fox 64 introduced N64 fanatics to the Rumble Pak, and it introduced us all to floating brains that had big eyes flying around at the end of electrical trails. Dinosaur Planet--I mean, Star Fox Adventures--was a game that featured Fox McCloud hitting things with a staff. Star Fox Assault was a game that tried to bring the series back on track, which meant adding a third-person shooter aspect that I didn't like.
When you think about the DS as being a portable N64, and you think about Star Fox Command being a DS release, you may think that this game will be akin to the N64 game. And, well, it's not.
First, I'll get to the characters. Peppy is a General now!
Okay, enough about those guys. Let's talk about the differences between Star Fox 64 and Star Fox Command!
1. No more rails! Instead, you get this new strategy-game-like element which makes up the core of Star Fox Command. At the start of each mission, you are presented with a map, with icons representing the Great Fox, enemy groups, and your entire fleet. That sentence had a lot of commas. From the map, you must draw paths that lead you to the enemy ships, and then engage in dogfights. Occasionally these lead to boss battles (and let's not forget Star Wolf!). Of course, the removal of the rail-shooter element means that it's not as cinematic as Star Fox 64. Remember those falling buildings and columns?! Those were awesome.
2. The controls. Let me make this clear: if you have recently lost your stylus and don't plan on buying another one, forget this game. Let me clarify further: A, B, X, Y, L, R--and the Control Pad--all do the exact same thing: shoot and lock-on. If you thought Metroid was crazy, you'll think this is even crazier. The stylus is used to steer, drop bombs, barrel roll, boost, brake, U-turn, and loop. The bomb-dropping is pretty sweet, because you can drop it anywhere on the radar (which is also featured on the lower screen!).
3. Peppy is a General.
4. The voices. I was tooling around in the options menu, when I ran across an option to replace the "voice" of the characters in-game with my own "voice." I'm a pretty vain person, and I like to feature myself as much as I possibly can within video games. What followed were a series of questions that I was expected to answer via microphone, such as "Who do you like?" (Nintendo!) "What do you like to do?" (...play Nintendo!) "Who do you not like?" (SONY!). After that was complete, I was treated to a sound test screen, which allowed me to play back my voice. All of your answers will be totally unrecognizable beneath the layers of editing and filters. Admittedly, it would be weird for Slippy to say "Hamburgers!" every time he got hit.
5. MULTIPLAYER. Yeah, Star Fox 64 had multiplayer, but here's what bugged me: You always had to have it split the screen four ways. I can't remember if that's true, but if it is, I told you so. Star Fox Command lets you access the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection, and compete with players around the world. The Friend Code system is back, and so is the Rival system from Metroid Prime Hunters. Online dogfights shine, and are extremely exciting. Here's how they sound when I play them: BEEP BEEP BEEP! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa the beeping means I'm being locked on! AAAAAAAAAAAH I GOT SHOT! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA I GOT THE SUPPLY RING I WONDER WHAT IT DOES! AHAHAHA I GOT A STAR AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BEEP BEEP BEEP! No, I don't make the beeps by myself.
If you're looking for Star Fox 64 on DS, this isn't it. If you're looking for a Star Fox game with some strategy elements and beeping multiplayer, this is the game for you.
Plus, Peppy is a General.
Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews
When you walk into an arcade, what do you see? Yes, those are all good answers.
Wait, what's that? One of you hasn't ever been to an arcade? Whatever, Mister Segue. Even though I don't really believe you, I'll tell you what I see when I walk into an arcade.
Upon opening the door, a flood of lights and sounds floods you like a flooding flood. Yes, lights and sounds, like that song! You know. "Lights and Sounds." Don't know it? It's like a Yellowcard song, without the cool and unique violin music.
Muscling your way past the kids with tickets stuffed in their hands with which they wish to redeem prizes, you can find a setup of fighting games with really nice screens, and three thousand kids playing them at the same time. I don't know how they all fit, but they do. And the number is always three thousand.
On either the front or back wall is usually Dance Dance Revolution. Everyone has played Dance Dance Revolution at least once, according to scientific studies. Either you really like it (I CAN ACE MANIAC-LEVEL SONGS, SERIOUSLY) or you were pressured into playing it (WHAT, WHEN DO I STEP, I DON'T UNDERSTAND).
Then there's usually some old games, like the Simpsons arcade game! This is worth paying money to play again for the 100000000th time. If you bring a friend, you can do combo attacks. YEAH HOMER, THROW BART AT THAT CLOWN! Those stupid clowns.
There's also the wall of racing games. These are all exactly the same.
After mucking through all that nonsense, you end up at the wall with all the LIGHT-GUN GAMES. Take aim and fire away at a screen with a plastic gun? Yes please! These test vital skills you will need later in life, such as warding off an alien invasion and blowing up a truck while people are shooting rockets at you and solving crime in the future and shooting random targets haphazardly with no real motivation other than the fact that it's mildly fun. And yes, that one about the random targets is most likely Point Blank.
For those of you who scrolled down until you saw bold letters and just skipped all my hilarious chatter, Point Blank is a light-gun game that was first introduced in the 90's. It's enjoyed a Playstation port that I never had because I only jumped on the Playstation train for the PS2, but I'll assume it was pretty fun for the sake of argument. Point Blank is pretty much a target-shooting game, turned upside-down and fed to a happy animal machine. Yeah, I just made that up.
Point Blank DS is another animal entirely. Yes, it's essentially a port of Point Blank for Arcadestation 1, but saying that they're the same thing is like trying to play Burnout 3 with the Guitar Hero controller. (Ten points if you spot the reference.)
Light-gun games pretty much only utilize one game mechanic. Sometimes you can dodge stuff, and sometimes you can reload, but not in Point Blank. It's pretty much point-and-shoot, and in Point Blank DS, that shooting is tapping. What Point Blank DS basically becomes is a different take on the tapping-related WarioWare games. The formula is basically "shoot these kinds of targets, and not these other kinds of targets, k thx!" This is done with varying degrees of difficulty and different themes, which make you momentarily forgive that you're not holding a plastic gun-shaped device and pulling a trigger.
The modes include Arcade, Freeplay, VS, Games Museum, and Brain Massage. Arcade involves a round of 8 levels (4 in Practice Mode) in 4 difficulty settings, with the ultimate goal of gaining a high score. Freeplay lets you practice any level as many times as you want.
I'd like to take a moment to talk about Games Museum. Games Museum gives you four games to play that are "replicas of classic arcade machines." Intrigued, I chose the aforementioned game mode, only to notice that I actually RECOGNIZED two of them. One of them is that alligator game, where you hit the alligators with the foam mallet. Another one has these little alien guys that try to take your boxes that you have to shoot in the eye. I don't know the names of either of these, but they were awesome.
Brain Massage tries to be Big Brain Academy, but with target shooting instead of math and stuff. This is kinda fun, if you want to play Arcade mode but have the game call you a glitzy dancer or say "respect Helen Keller" for no real reason. Has the required amount of time passed to where we can reference Helen Keller when a person gets a low "sight" score on a fake brain test? I don't know, probably. It was a long time ago.
The question you are probably asking yourself is "is this game worth buying," to which my answer will most likely be "yes, if you consider yourself to be a skilled marksman," to which you will respond "I don't understand, isn't it all tapping," to which I will quip back "yes, but it's fast and it's kinda hard sometimes and it will make you feel like a fool if you try to get a decent brain massage."
Overall, it's a pretty fun game. If you haven't bought, say, New Super Mario Bros. yet, however, I'd say get that first.
You can always hit some alligators with a fake mallet later.
Wait, what's that? One of you hasn't ever been to an arcade? Whatever, Mister Segue. Even though I don't really believe you, I'll tell you what I see when I walk into an arcade.
Upon opening the door, a flood of lights and sounds floods you like a flooding flood. Yes, lights and sounds, like that song! You know. "Lights and Sounds." Don't know it? It's like a Yellowcard song, without the cool and unique violin music.
Muscling your way past the kids with tickets stuffed in their hands with which they wish to redeem prizes, you can find a setup of fighting games with really nice screens, and three thousand kids playing them at the same time. I don't know how they all fit, but they do. And the number is always three thousand.
On either the front or back wall is usually Dance Dance Revolution. Everyone has played Dance Dance Revolution at least once, according to scientific studies. Either you really like it (I CAN ACE MANIAC-LEVEL SONGS, SERIOUSLY) or you were pressured into playing it (WHAT, WHEN DO I STEP, I DON'T UNDERSTAND).
Then there's usually some old games, like the Simpsons arcade game! This is worth paying money to play again for the 100000000th time. If you bring a friend, you can do combo attacks. YEAH HOMER, THROW BART AT THAT CLOWN! Those stupid clowns.
There's also the wall of racing games. These are all exactly the same.
After mucking through all that nonsense, you end up at the wall with all the LIGHT-GUN GAMES. Take aim and fire away at a screen with a plastic gun? Yes please! These test vital skills you will need later in life, such as warding off an alien invasion and blowing up a truck while people are shooting rockets at you and solving crime in the future and shooting random targets haphazardly with no real motivation other than the fact that it's mildly fun. And yes, that one about the random targets is most likely Point Blank.
For those of you who scrolled down until you saw bold letters and just skipped all my hilarious chatter, Point Blank is a light-gun game that was first introduced in the 90's. It's enjoyed a Playstation port that I never had because I only jumped on the Playstation train for the PS2, but I'll assume it was pretty fun for the sake of argument. Point Blank is pretty much a target-shooting game, turned upside-down and fed to a happy animal machine. Yeah, I just made that up.
Point Blank DS is another animal entirely. Yes, it's essentially a port of Point Blank for Arcadestation 1, but saying that they're the same thing is like trying to play Burnout 3 with the Guitar Hero controller. (Ten points if you spot the reference.)
Light-gun games pretty much only utilize one game mechanic. Sometimes you can dodge stuff, and sometimes you can reload, but not in Point Blank. It's pretty much point-and-shoot, and in Point Blank DS, that shooting is tapping. What Point Blank DS basically becomes is a different take on the tapping-related WarioWare games. The formula is basically "shoot these kinds of targets, and not these other kinds of targets, k thx!" This is done with varying degrees of difficulty and different themes, which make you momentarily forgive that you're not holding a plastic gun-shaped device and pulling a trigger.
The modes include Arcade, Freeplay, VS, Games Museum, and Brain Massage. Arcade involves a round of 8 levels (4 in Practice Mode) in 4 difficulty settings, with the ultimate goal of gaining a high score. Freeplay lets you practice any level as many times as you want.
I'd like to take a moment to talk about Games Museum. Games Museum gives you four games to play that are "replicas of classic arcade machines." Intrigued, I chose the aforementioned game mode, only to notice that I actually RECOGNIZED two of them. One of them is that alligator game, where you hit the alligators with the foam mallet. Another one has these little alien guys that try to take your boxes that you have to shoot in the eye. I don't know the names of either of these, but they were awesome.
Brain Massage tries to be Big Brain Academy, but with target shooting instead of math and stuff. This is kinda fun, if you want to play Arcade mode but have the game call you a glitzy dancer or say "respect Helen Keller" for no real reason. Has the required amount of time passed to where we can reference Helen Keller when a person gets a low "sight" score on a fake brain test? I don't know, probably. It was a long time ago.
The question you are probably asking yourself is "is this game worth buying," to which my answer will most likely be "yes, if you consider yourself to be a skilled marksman," to which you will respond "I don't understand, isn't it all tapping," to which I will quip back "yes, but it's fast and it's kinda hard sometimes and it will make you feel like a fool if you try to get a decent brain massage."
Overall, it's a pretty fun game. If you haven't bought, say, New Super Mario Bros. yet, however, I'd say get that first.
You can always hit some alligators with a fake mallet later.
Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews
This review is brought to you by Bob and Steve, two fictional characters that are more commonly known as...
BOB: What's that you've got in your hand there, Steve?
STEVE: Oh, just Top Spin 2 for the Xbox 360, Bob.
BOB: I thought you already bought Mario Tennis.
STEVE: Ages ago. This game, however, promises tennis in High-Definition.
BOB: I see.
STEVE: Yes, it's quite impressive.
BOB: I am overwhelmed. Please pop it in.
STEVE: Excellent. This game will be great.
(fifteen minutes later.)
STEVE: This game is stupid.
BOB: Your custom character plays like an eight-year old girl that doesn't know how to play tennis.
STEVE: Look at him, his arms are flailing about wildly like he's practicing semaphore.
BOB: That's like Morse code, right?
STEVE: No, it's flag signals. I think he's calling for some kind of aid.
BOB: This training level you've entered is pretty interesting. I never knew the Williams sisters learned how to play tennis by knocking an oversized bowling ball into a set of oversized pins.
STEVE: I think I heard an interview with Andre Agassi where he talked about that training level with the tower of bricks he needed to knock down.
BOB: Agassi? How old are you?
STEVE: Old enough. What's this menu over here? Are these e-mails?
BOB: They're fake e-mails. With voice messages. From fake coaches. Fake coaches that want you to enter a Tournament.
STEVE: I would normally say it's time to try our hand at a Tournament, but apparently our rank isn't high enough.
BOB: I like how you've been throwing around the word "our" as though I've had a turn to play.
STEVE: I got us into a Minor tournament. Let's see how "Steve Topspin" ranks against these guys. You can take the helm when I'm done.
(TOURNAMENT.)
BOB: Congratulations, you got "deuce" again.
STEVE: I hate deuce. Deuce turns the playful and sophisticated nature of your average tennis match and turns it into a kind of sudden-death marathon tournament, where you keep playing until one of you falls over.
BOB: I don't think that's how it works, but I'm glad you lost that set. I'm so glad you get to play another set. I'm so glad I get to wait another twenty minutes.
STEVE: I get what you're trying to do, but I don't really care. I am literally angry at this character I'm playing against. His taunts have driven me to the edge.
BOB: Not to get off-topic, but can you re-design your character? He looks kind of horribly ugly. I find it hilarious that there's a "face spots" part of the character design screen, in case anybody would be interested in that kind of thing.
STEVE: "This tennis game is fun, but optional Face Spots would make it more fun."
BOB: That must have been a weird focus group to be in. "Yeah, this model's pretty, but she'd be prettier with some more Face Spots."
STEVE: We lost the tournament, you know. I think we'll have to try out Exhibition mode. On Easy. Doubles.
BOB: Hard court.
STEVE: Yes.
(EXHIBITION.)
BOB: I think the battery's dying in my controller.
STEVE: No, it's just not super-easy like Mario Tennis.
BOB: Everything was better in Mario Tennis.
STEVE: Maybe, but I don't recall there being Training levels. Or the promise of Online play.
BOB: Why would I want to play this game online if I can't even beat the computer on EASY?
STEVE: Career mode wasn't on Easy. Career mode was on "learn and it'll get easier."
BOB: I don't even think those training stats did anything.
STEVE: Did that momentum meter do anything in Career mode? Because it's giving us trick shots here in Exhibition mode.
BOB: It didn't, and we only get extra trick shots if we win a point. Which we haven't.
STEVE: Man will one day invent the necessary words to convey the frustration I'm feeling with this game.
BOB: But it's oddly compelling. Like, I know I'm horrible at it, but I still want to play it to get better at it.
STEVE: Some would call that depth.
BOB: Yeah, some would. I think it's pretty enjoyable, once you accept the fact that the game hates you.
STEVE: And the AI is totally unforgiving.
BOB: Yes. And it's not Mario Tennis at all, so I'd keep little kids away from it.
STEVE: Unless they're really big braggarts or something. "Hey, I beat Mario Tennis in one hour, YAWN."
BOB: "Here Billy, try out Top Spin 2."
STEVE: "I see the error of my ways. Here is a twenty-dollar bill."
BOB: At that point I'd wonder where my kid got ahold of twenty dollars that he didn't try to force out of my wallet. Probably through Mario Tennis hustling.
STEVE: I'd wonder how you managed to have a child.
BOB: Indeed.
BOB: What's that you've got in your hand there, Steve?
STEVE: Oh, just Top Spin 2 for the Xbox 360, Bob.
BOB: I thought you already bought Mario Tennis.
STEVE: Ages ago. This game, however, promises tennis in High-Definition.
BOB: I see.
STEVE: Yes, it's quite impressive.
BOB: I am overwhelmed. Please pop it in.
STEVE: Excellent. This game will be great.
(fifteen minutes later.)
STEVE: This game is stupid.
BOB: Your custom character plays like an eight-year old girl that doesn't know how to play tennis.
STEVE: Look at him, his arms are flailing about wildly like he's practicing semaphore.
BOB: That's like Morse code, right?
STEVE: No, it's flag signals. I think he's calling for some kind of aid.
BOB: This training level you've entered is pretty interesting. I never knew the Williams sisters learned how to play tennis by knocking an oversized bowling ball into a set of oversized pins.
STEVE: I think I heard an interview with Andre Agassi where he talked about that training level with the tower of bricks he needed to knock down.
BOB: Agassi? How old are you?
STEVE: Old enough. What's this menu over here? Are these e-mails?
BOB: They're fake e-mails. With voice messages. From fake coaches. Fake coaches that want you to enter a Tournament.
STEVE: I would normally say it's time to try our hand at a Tournament, but apparently our rank isn't high enough.
BOB: I like how you've been throwing around the word "our" as though I've had a turn to play.
STEVE: I got us into a Minor tournament. Let's see how "Steve Topspin" ranks against these guys. You can take the helm when I'm done.
(TOURNAMENT.)
BOB: Congratulations, you got "deuce" again.
STEVE: I hate deuce. Deuce turns the playful and sophisticated nature of your average tennis match and turns it into a kind of sudden-death marathon tournament, where you keep playing until one of you falls over.
BOB: I don't think that's how it works, but I'm glad you lost that set. I'm so glad you get to play another set. I'm so glad I get to wait another twenty minutes.
STEVE: I get what you're trying to do, but I don't really care. I am literally angry at this character I'm playing against. His taunts have driven me to the edge.
BOB: Not to get off-topic, but can you re-design your character? He looks kind of horribly ugly. I find it hilarious that there's a "face spots" part of the character design screen, in case anybody would be interested in that kind of thing.
STEVE: "This tennis game is fun, but optional Face Spots would make it more fun."
BOB: That must have been a weird focus group to be in. "Yeah, this model's pretty, but she'd be prettier with some more Face Spots."
STEVE: We lost the tournament, you know. I think we'll have to try out Exhibition mode. On Easy. Doubles.
BOB: Hard court.
STEVE: Yes.
(EXHIBITION.)
BOB: I think the battery's dying in my controller.
STEVE: No, it's just not super-easy like Mario Tennis.
BOB: Everything was better in Mario Tennis.
STEVE: Maybe, but I don't recall there being Training levels. Or the promise of Online play.
BOB: Why would I want to play this game online if I can't even beat the computer on EASY?
STEVE: Career mode wasn't on Easy. Career mode was on "learn and it'll get easier."
BOB: I don't even think those training stats did anything.
STEVE: Did that momentum meter do anything in Career mode? Because it's giving us trick shots here in Exhibition mode.
BOB: It didn't, and we only get extra trick shots if we win a point. Which we haven't.
STEVE: Man will one day invent the necessary words to convey the frustration I'm feeling with this game.
BOB: But it's oddly compelling. Like, I know I'm horrible at it, but I still want to play it to get better at it.
STEVE: Some would call that depth.
BOB: Yeah, some would. I think it's pretty enjoyable, once you accept the fact that the game hates you.
STEVE: And the AI is totally unforgiving.
BOB: Yes. And it's not Mario Tennis at all, so I'd keep little kids away from it.
STEVE: Unless they're really big braggarts or something. "Hey, I beat Mario Tennis in one hour, YAWN."
BOB: "Here Billy, try out Top Spin 2."
STEVE: "I see the error of my ways. Here is a twenty-dollar bill."
BOB: At that point I'd wonder where my kid got ahold of twenty dollars that he didn't try to force out of my wallet. Probably through Mario Tennis hustling.
STEVE: I'd wonder how you managed to have a child.
BOB: Indeed.
Simply typing the title of the game sends a chill of wonder and mystery coursing through my veins. That cold feeling that's not unlike that cold feeling of having ice water injected into your veins. You know...cold. And coursing. After that thrill escapes me, I suddenly realize that I can't really write that well.
Guitar Hero is brilliance embodied in a hard plastic lightweight guitar controller that's something of a replica of a black Gibson SG. It's lightweight because Awesome is somewhere in the neighborhood of the weight of helium. I'll bet you didn't know that.
Guitar Hero is, in case you didn't know, one of those fancy new rhythm-based video games. They all contain the same basic game mechanic: watch the icons hit the line, and press the corresponding button along with the beat. It's the variations of WHEN to hit the buttons and HOW you hit the buttons that make each individual game a unique experience. In Guitar Hero's case, this is done by the aforementioned guitar controller. It's like playing a real guitar, except totally not.
A word of warning: if you're going to try to run the game from the PS2's browser, you're going to need to plug in a regular controller to access it. The SG has its left D-Pad control set to always be "on", which means it'll endlessly scroll through all the different options. I think the game uses this to determine whether or not you have a guitar controller plugged in. Or it's just funny. Try playing Burnout! Watch the hilarity! By hilarity I mean incorrectly calibrated controls. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because that's what the controller does!!
Once the game begins, you can watch some tutorials, start a career, or jump right on in with the Quick Play option. Having previous experience with Guitar Freaks, I decided to skip Easy mode. I chose the Quick Play thing, set it to "Hard," chose "Smoke on the Water," and ended up humiliating myself in front of the cartoony 3D-rendered guy with the mohawk. Maybe I'd better start slow, I thought. Maybe I'd better start Medium.
I started a career, named the band "School of Rock" (lame) and chose--sorry--"Smoke on the Water." There was a little bit of an introduction thingy, and then this fretboard started moving towards me. It was kind of like watching the road when you're in a car except with colored circles moving towards you that replace that enveloping feeling of total doom. Am I the only one that feels that way? Maybe it's all the dangerous left turns I'm forced to make every day. Maybe it's my reckless driving.
This isn't about driving, this is about Guitar Hero. Which is a lot more fun. And, at the rate gas prices are going, probably cheaper! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because gas is really expensive!!
Songs on the Medium difficulty range anywhere from laughably easy (I don't care how many people like the Ramones. "I Wanna Be Sedated" is one of the simplest songs of all time.) to the pinky-achingly difficult (I'll bark at YOUR moon, "Bark at the Moon"), and that's not even covering the Bonus Songs. That's right, there's Bonus Songs. And some of them are pretty good.
The songs in the game are mostly cover songs. That makes sense; you play guitar in a cover band, after all. The covers pretty much all rock, despite the poor imitations of some of the vocals. WhatEVER. Who said vocals were important to music?! Oh, right, everybody. Well everybody can shut up, because this isn't "Vocal Hero". That doesn't even sound right. As it shouldn't, because everyone knows the true rock stars of rock stardom are the guitarists.
As you go on, you'll eventually want to try out Hard mode. Hard mode is like Medium mode, except harder. It also makes use of the fifth, slightly more orange fret button on the neck of the guitar that's been hanging there uselessly all throughout Medium mode. "Oh, please, won't you touch me?" "No, fret button, because if I do then I'll break my 4x multiplier which I've been saving up to use with my Star Power technique." "You are a big jerkface! We're through! I never want to see you again! Stop calling me! I want all my CDs back! I want half of the gifts we received at our wedding!"
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away.
Star Power is an awesome experience that basically doubles your multiplier for a small duration based on "Star Energy" you extract by playing notes that are shaped like stars. Pretty boring, right? NO IT'S NOT BORING YOU GUITAR HEATHEN. When you accumulate enough star power, you get to ROCK OUT.
AND BY ROCK OUT I MEAN YOU GET TO HOLD THE GUITAR STRAIGHT UP. When that happens, the crowd goes WILD and the reverb goes ALSO WILD. Sometimes I reserve Star Power for the climactic parts of the song, just because it sounds so much better that way. Sometimes I'm a huge dork.
Overall, Guitar Hero is a must-own for the PS2. Also, they have a red controller available on their website. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because it's an 80's movie reference!!
Guitar Hero is brilliance embodied in a hard plastic lightweight guitar controller that's something of a replica of a black Gibson SG. It's lightweight because Awesome is somewhere in the neighborhood of the weight of helium. I'll bet you didn't know that.
Guitar Hero is, in case you didn't know, one of those fancy new rhythm-based video games. They all contain the same basic game mechanic: watch the icons hit the line, and press the corresponding button along with the beat. It's the variations of WHEN to hit the buttons and HOW you hit the buttons that make each individual game a unique experience. In Guitar Hero's case, this is done by the aforementioned guitar controller. It's like playing a real guitar, except totally not.
A word of warning: if you're going to try to run the game from the PS2's browser, you're going to need to plug in a regular controller to access it. The SG has its left D-Pad control set to always be "on", which means it'll endlessly scroll through all the different options. I think the game uses this to determine whether or not you have a guitar controller plugged in. Or it's just funny. Try playing Burnout! Watch the hilarity! By hilarity I mean incorrectly calibrated controls. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because that's what the controller does!!
Once the game begins, you can watch some tutorials, start a career, or jump right on in with the Quick Play option. Having previous experience with Guitar Freaks, I decided to skip Easy mode. I chose the Quick Play thing, set it to "Hard," chose "Smoke on the Water," and ended up humiliating myself in front of the cartoony 3D-rendered guy with the mohawk. Maybe I'd better start slow, I thought. Maybe I'd better start Medium.
I started a career, named the band "School of Rock" (lame) and chose--sorry--"Smoke on the Water." There was a little bit of an introduction thingy, and then this fretboard started moving towards me. It was kind of like watching the road when you're in a car except with colored circles moving towards you that replace that enveloping feeling of total doom. Am I the only one that feels that way? Maybe it's all the dangerous left turns I'm forced to make every day. Maybe it's my reckless driving.
This isn't about driving, this is about Guitar Hero. Which is a lot more fun. And, at the rate gas prices are going, probably cheaper! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because gas is really expensive!!
Songs on the Medium difficulty range anywhere from laughably easy (I don't care how many people like the Ramones. "I Wanna Be Sedated" is one of the simplest songs of all time.) to the pinky-achingly difficult (I'll bark at YOUR moon, "Bark at the Moon"), and that's not even covering the Bonus Songs. That's right, there's Bonus Songs. And some of them are pretty good.
The songs in the game are mostly cover songs. That makes sense; you play guitar in a cover band, after all. The covers pretty much all rock, despite the poor imitations of some of the vocals. WhatEVER. Who said vocals were important to music?! Oh, right, everybody. Well everybody can shut up, because this isn't "Vocal Hero". That doesn't even sound right. As it shouldn't, because everyone knows the true rock stars of rock stardom are the guitarists.
As you go on, you'll eventually want to try out Hard mode. Hard mode is like Medium mode, except harder. It also makes use of the fifth, slightly more orange fret button on the neck of the guitar that's been hanging there uselessly all throughout Medium mode. "Oh, please, won't you touch me?" "No, fret button, because if I do then I'll break my 4x multiplier which I've been saving up to use with my Star Power technique." "You are a big jerkface! We're through! I never want to see you again! Stop calling me! I want all my CDs back! I want half of the gifts we received at our wedding!"
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away.
Star Power is an awesome experience that basically doubles your multiplier for a small duration based on "Star Energy" you extract by playing notes that are shaped like stars. Pretty boring, right? NO IT'S NOT BORING YOU GUITAR HEATHEN. When you accumulate enough star power, you get to ROCK OUT.
AND BY ROCK OUT I MEAN YOU GET TO HOLD THE GUITAR STRAIGHT UP. When that happens, the crowd goes WILD and the reverb goes ALSO WILD. Sometimes I reserve Star Power for the climactic parts of the song, just because it sounds so much better that way. Sometimes I'm a huge dork.
Overall, Guitar Hero is a must-own for the PS2. Also, they have a red controller available on their website. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
Ha ha ha ha ha! It's funny because it's an 80's movie reference!!
Labels: Playstation 2, Reviews
Gaming: Robotron 2084 Released on Xbox Live Arcade; Takes Up Valuable King Kong Replay Time
Published Thursday, December 22, 2005 by Mike A. [send feedback]
Some people call it "the greatest game ever." Some people call it "the game that inspired Geometry Wars." Some others call it "the game that inspired that weird N64 port."
I call it Robotron 2084. For one, that's the title. It's also easier to type than those other monikers. Although, to be fair, I don't think long descriptions count as monikers in the first place. "Whatever," right?
It turns out whatever is NOT right. Robotron 2084 isn't ABOUT whatever; it's about precision, skill, determination, and shooting up robots. Mostly the part about shooting up robots.
Created in the pre-"Matrix" 1980s, the world of Robotron is set in a futuristic dystopia. Charged with saving the last human family, a robot with a funny-shaped head (who I will refer to as "Robotron") is given a robot-destroying laser (which doesn't even destroy every kind of robot) and set upon the massive world of...actually I think it's Earth. It's kind of like an Asimov novel in some aspects, by which I mean absolutely no aspects.
I'm admittedly not that good at Robotron 2084. I've yet to see wave 10, and I doubt it really exists.
When you first begin the game, you'll focus on saving the last human family. It's easy the first two times, right? Just clear out some robots around them and charge in their direction, right?
It turns out that they'll end up being just about the last thing on your mind in the coming waves. "Save the last human family" turns into "save your own hide from being eaten by giant indestructible robots." Yes, the robots eat you. That's what that explodey noise indicates.
One of the main things you need to consider are the little red flashing orbs that spit little tread-wheeled robots at you. In the later waves, they spit like fifty of them at you. And there'll be five flashy dots. I know.
It helps if you take into consideration that the "last human family" wouldn't need saving if they didn't decide that it'd be a good idea to dance around with evil giant robots all day. Forget them, okay? Forget them and watch the flashing little skull/crossbones with glee. Jerks.
Except of course in wave 5, when they decide that they've had enough of your lack of care for them and they go all rogue and flashy on you. That's right, the evil brain-robots (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, BY THE WAY) decide that it's a good idea to turn the last human family (which, in this level, is made up of like thirty women) into flashing running laser bombs.
First off, why are there thirty women in this level?! Are we taking the phrase "family" too lightly, or do these people just have way too much time on their hands? I prefer to think it's the latter, just to suit my "these people don't need saving, you're on your own" needs. Alas.
Wave 7 is pretty much where I give up hope for all living things.
Wave 7 is controlled by these bouncing light orbs which, if you don't destroy them promptly, turn into giant rubber toy robots that hurl bouncing globs of evil evil laser gunk your way. But it moves really fast, because the people over at Midway have no morals. I made it to wave 8 twice.
Wave 8 is pretty much a slap in the face. That is, if you were getting slapped in the face with little tread-wheeled robots.
Aside from all the horrible horrible experiences Midway has decided to torture me with, Robotron 2084 has become my most-played Xbox 360 game. That's right, more played than King Kong. And King Kong is totally awesome. However, I've not played through it a second time to unlock the "good" ending where Kong lives and is sent back to his home island where he's greeted by cute girls and dancing candy robots that spit candy every time they do a flip, which is a lot of candy because the only dance candy robots know how to do is that one dance that involves a lot of flipping.
I made up the part about the girls and robots.
I call it Robotron 2084. For one, that's the title. It's also easier to type than those other monikers. Although, to be fair, I don't think long descriptions count as monikers in the first place. "Whatever," right?
It turns out whatever is NOT right. Robotron 2084 isn't ABOUT whatever; it's about precision, skill, determination, and shooting up robots. Mostly the part about shooting up robots.
Created in the pre-"Matrix" 1980s, the world of Robotron is set in a futuristic dystopia. Charged with saving the last human family, a robot with a funny-shaped head (who I will refer to as "Robotron") is given a robot-destroying laser (which doesn't even destroy every kind of robot) and set upon the massive world of...actually I think it's Earth. It's kind of like an Asimov novel in some aspects, by which I mean absolutely no aspects.
I'm admittedly not that good at Robotron 2084. I've yet to see wave 10, and I doubt it really exists.
When you first begin the game, you'll focus on saving the last human family. It's easy the first two times, right? Just clear out some robots around them and charge in their direction, right?
It turns out that they'll end up being just about the last thing on your mind in the coming waves. "Save the last human family" turns into "save your own hide from being eaten by giant indestructible robots." Yes, the robots eat you. That's what that explodey noise indicates.
One of the main things you need to consider are the little red flashing orbs that spit little tread-wheeled robots at you. In the later waves, they spit like fifty of them at you. And there'll be five flashy dots. I know.
It helps if you take into consideration that the "last human family" wouldn't need saving if they didn't decide that it'd be a good idea to dance around with evil giant robots all day. Forget them, okay? Forget them and watch the flashing little skull/crossbones with glee. Jerks.
Except of course in wave 5, when they decide that they've had enough of your lack of care for them and they go all rogue and flashy on you. That's right, the evil brain-robots (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, BY THE WAY) decide that it's a good idea to turn the last human family (which, in this level, is made up of like thirty women) into flashing running laser bombs.
First off, why are there thirty women in this level?! Are we taking the phrase "family" too lightly, or do these people just have way too much time on their hands? I prefer to think it's the latter, just to suit my "these people don't need saving, you're on your own" needs. Alas.
Wave 7 is pretty much where I give up hope for all living things.
Wave 7 is controlled by these bouncing light orbs which, if you don't destroy them promptly, turn into giant rubber toy robots that hurl bouncing globs of evil evil laser gunk your way. But it moves really fast, because the people over at Midway have no morals. I made it to wave 8 twice.
Wave 8 is pretty much a slap in the face. That is, if you were getting slapped in the face with little tread-wheeled robots.
Aside from all the horrible horrible experiences Midway has decided to torture me with, Robotron 2084 has become my most-played Xbox 360 game. That's right, more played than King Kong. And King Kong is totally awesome. However, I've not played through it a second time to unlock the "good" ending where Kong lives and is sent back to his home island where he's greeted by cute girls and dancing candy robots that spit candy every time they do a flip, which is a lot of candy because the only dance candy robots know how to do is that one dance that involves a lot of flipping.
I made up the part about the girls and robots.
Video Game Review: Namco Museum Battle Collection (PSP)
Published Saturday, August 27, 2005 by Mike A. [send feedback]
i figure i'm just doing video game reviews now.
---
namco museum battle collection is a throwback to the good old days of coin operated video games. which pretty much means "the eighties".
the box boasts "over 20 of your favorite titles in the palm of your hand!" the box is a filthy liar.
what namco museum battle collection contains is three types of galaga, three types of pacman, three types of dig-dug, and three types of rally-x. i bet you didn't even think people liked rally-x. they still don't.
four of these games are "arrangement" games, which pretty much means that they took elements of good gaming and ruined them. galaga arrangement has powerups. galaga arrangement is a stain on the otherwise perfect record of galaga. it shames me and many others.
out of the nine remaining games (which brings us to a total of 21; 'over 20', accurate as it may be, is quite misleading) i only recognized two of them: mappy and xevious.
mappy is about a mouse. a police mouse.
xevious has less to do with mice than you might think.
with this new iteration of namco's old "throw a bunch of old games together" formula comes some interesting features, and by interesting i mean "pretty useless".
first is the game-sharing option. do you know what game-sharing implies? being able to share your game. which, i assumed, meant wireless multiplayer from one UMD. but apparently namco hates my culture, my family, and my thoughts on game-sharing. also my pets.
game-sharing, to them, involves one-level demos of arcade games being sent to your friend's psp. one level of galaga is possibly 30 seconds long. dumb. really dumb. well, it'd be a really awesome 30 seconds, anyway.
the other interesting feature is eight screen modes, five of which you will not ever need in your entire life. among these is the 'innovation' of rotating the screen 90 degrees so that you can 'take full advantage of the psp screen'.
in japan, the game "star soldier" has already implemented this feature.
i am having trouble figuring out why.
it works okay for the games that don't require any buttons. which basically means the pacmans and the rally-xs. everything else is, well, wonky. hold your TV remote in its normal position and pretend to play galaga on the middle of it, with the buttons at the top being the fire button. you can't. your brain will go into cranial failure. that's not even a real thing. but it would happen.
of course, you're probably asking yourself "OH THE GAMES, WHAT ABOUT THE GAMES?!" so i will review the ones that namco battle collection introduced me to. we'll start with one of the least interesting video game titles i've ever seen.
King and Balloon
see? the game involves a king shooting at balloons, and every once in a while a balloon swoops down and steals a villager. or something like that. i can't explain it well enough, it is something to be experienced. or, rather, something never to be experienced.
as you play the game, a painful thought shoots through your brain and electrocutes you because you know it is the truth.
this game is between "galaxian" and "galaga" in the games list for a reason.
it's a comforting thought, though, that the developers realized the errors of switching from an awesome space theme to a really confusing medieval theme with hot air balloons before they released galaga. or, as it would be called, king and baloonaga.
Bostonian Bosconian
although it's not billed as the return to galaga supremacy, the graphic design of bosconian is very...well...almost exactly the same. the ship looks like the ship from galaga turned into a rogue ship and ate another ship from galaga. plus it has the multicolored starfield.
it has some advantages, though. upon firing, bullets will launch out your back- and front-sides. plus you get to blow up hexagons! nobody likes hexagons!
THE TOWER OF DRUAGA
the title of this game is so EPIC sounding, isn't it?! so grand, for such a mediocre 80's coin-op hack'n'slash maze game.
the first thing you will notice about the game, besides the title, is that the enemies in the first level are probably made of snot.
then i stopped playing.
DragonBuster
what do you think of when you see a elflike boy in a green tunic, wielding a sword and fighting off skeletons?
of course the obvious answer is DragonBuster. this side-scrolling platform gem pits you against the aforementioned skeletons, as WELL as snakes and dinosaurs! YEAH I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WERE DINOSAURS!
this is what happens when my zelda preorder gets pushed back to 'sometime after the next twelve apocalypses'. they can't even interpret prophecy correctly. thanks a lot gamestop. or nintendo.
Grobda
"grobda" may look like a typo, but it is in reality a tank battle game.
with lasers. did i mention there were lasers?
basically you ride a tank around and shoot lasers. sometimes you put up a shield to block the lasers. it's kind of entertaining until they put you in a level with like twenty other tanks and they all have shields.
Motos
if you've ever played that mario party game where everybody is balancing on balls, trying to knock each other off a platform, and if you thought it was the best thing ever, then you will LOVE motos. i LOVE motos. this is the basis of the game, except replace your character with a Roomba and the other characters with marbles. go roomba go!
Rolling Thunder
guess what this game is about by its title.
nope, you're wrong, it's a side-scrolling platform shooter about a guy who hates people who can't color-coordinate. or at least that's what it looks like.
he apparently is also a guy that didn't figure out the cardinal rule of playstation video games:
X SHOULD ALWAYS BE JUMP IN THE CASE WHERE THE ONLY TWO ACTIONS ARE JUMP AND SHOOT. barring that, you should be able to customize the controls. you can't. and so, as awesome as rolling thunder may be, it's too confusing for me. it's like saying "this is the best movie ever, except you have to stand on your head the entire time". no thank you, mister headache. mister rolling thunder.
all in all, i would probably recommend this game. at forty dollars? probably not. but it probably won't drop in price. so, pick it up if you must, and get ready for the shocking realization that rally-x and rally-x arrangement are the exact same game.
---
namco museum battle collection is a throwback to the good old days of coin operated video games. which pretty much means "the eighties".
the box boasts "over 20 of your favorite titles in the palm of your hand!" the box is a filthy liar.
what namco museum battle collection contains is three types of galaga, three types of pacman, three types of dig-dug, and three types of rally-x. i bet you didn't even think people liked rally-x. they still don't.
four of these games are "arrangement" games, which pretty much means that they took elements of good gaming and ruined them. galaga arrangement has powerups. galaga arrangement is a stain on the otherwise perfect record of galaga. it shames me and many others.
out of the nine remaining games (which brings us to a total of 21; 'over 20', accurate as it may be, is quite misleading) i only recognized two of them: mappy and xevious.
mappy is about a mouse. a police mouse.
xevious has less to do with mice than you might think.
with this new iteration of namco's old "throw a bunch of old games together" formula comes some interesting features, and by interesting i mean "pretty useless".
first is the game-sharing option. do you know what game-sharing implies? being able to share your game. which, i assumed, meant wireless multiplayer from one UMD. but apparently namco hates my culture, my family, and my thoughts on game-sharing. also my pets.
game-sharing, to them, involves one-level demos of arcade games being sent to your friend's psp. one level of galaga is possibly 30 seconds long. dumb. really dumb. well, it'd be a really awesome 30 seconds, anyway.
the other interesting feature is eight screen modes, five of which you will not ever need in your entire life. among these is the 'innovation' of rotating the screen 90 degrees so that you can 'take full advantage of the psp screen'.
in japan, the game "star soldier" has already implemented this feature.
i am having trouble figuring out why.
it works okay for the games that don't require any buttons. which basically means the pacmans and the rally-xs. everything else is, well, wonky. hold your TV remote in its normal position and pretend to play galaga on the middle of it, with the buttons at the top being the fire button. you can't. your brain will go into cranial failure. that's not even a real thing. but it would happen.
of course, you're probably asking yourself "OH THE GAMES, WHAT ABOUT THE GAMES?!" so i will review the ones that namco battle collection introduced me to. we'll start with one of the least interesting video game titles i've ever seen.
King and Balloon
see? the game involves a king shooting at balloons, and every once in a while a balloon swoops down and steals a villager. or something like that. i can't explain it well enough, it is something to be experienced. or, rather, something never to be experienced.
as you play the game, a painful thought shoots through your brain and electrocutes you because you know it is the truth.
this game is between "galaxian" and "galaga" in the games list for a reason.
it's a comforting thought, though, that the developers realized the errors of switching from an awesome space theme to a really confusing medieval theme with hot air balloons before they released galaga. or, as it would be called, king and baloonaga.
although it's not billed as the return to galaga supremacy, the graphic design of bosconian is very...well...almost exactly the same. the ship looks like the ship from galaga turned into a rogue ship and ate another ship from galaga. plus it has the multicolored starfield.
it has some advantages, though. upon firing, bullets will launch out your back- and front-sides. plus you get to blow up hexagons! nobody likes hexagons!
THE TOWER OF DRUAGA
the title of this game is so EPIC sounding, isn't it?! so grand, for such a mediocre 80's coin-op hack'n'slash maze game.
the first thing you will notice about the game, besides the title, is that the enemies in the first level are probably made of snot.
then i stopped playing.
DragonBuster
what do you think of when you see a elflike boy in a green tunic, wielding a sword and fighting off skeletons?
of course the obvious answer is DragonBuster. this side-scrolling platform gem pits you against the aforementioned skeletons, as WELL as snakes and dinosaurs! YEAH I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WERE DINOSAURS!
this is what happens when my zelda preorder gets pushed back to 'sometime after the next twelve apocalypses'. they can't even interpret prophecy correctly. thanks a lot gamestop. or nintendo.
Grobda
"grobda" may look like a typo, but it is in reality a tank battle game.
with lasers. did i mention there were lasers?
basically you ride a tank around and shoot lasers. sometimes you put up a shield to block the lasers. it's kind of entertaining until they put you in a level with like twenty other tanks and they all have shields.
Motos
if you've ever played that mario party game where everybody is balancing on balls, trying to knock each other off a platform, and if you thought it was the best thing ever, then you will LOVE motos. i LOVE motos. this is the basis of the game, except replace your character with a Roomba and the other characters with marbles. go roomba go!
Rolling Thunder
guess what this game is about by its title.
nope, you're wrong, it's a side-scrolling platform shooter about a guy who hates people who can't color-coordinate. or at least that's what it looks like.
he apparently is also a guy that didn't figure out the cardinal rule of playstation video games:
X SHOULD ALWAYS BE JUMP IN THE CASE WHERE THE ONLY TWO ACTIONS ARE JUMP AND SHOOT. barring that, you should be able to customize the controls. you can't. and so, as awesome as rolling thunder may be, it's too confusing for me. it's like saying "this is the best movie ever, except you have to stand on your head the entire time". no thank you, mister headache. mister rolling thunder.
all in all, i would probably recommend this game. at forty dollars? probably not. but it probably won't drop in price. so, pick it up if you must, and get ready for the shocking realization that rally-x and rally-x arrangement are the exact same game.
Labels: Playstation Portable, Reviews
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