NINTENDO MAY RELEASE A BANANA CONTROLLER FOR NINTENDO WII.


CRITICS SAY THE BANANAS HAVE NO GRAPHICS.


NINTENDO'S OFFICIAL RESPONSE IS


"YES, WII HAVE NO BANANAS"













APRIL FOOLS.

Labels: Nintendo Wii, Random

I've been playing the stalk market a lot recently.

Turnip stalks, that is, in Animal Crossing: City Folk.

If you're unfamiliar with the stalk market in Animal Crossing, here's how it works: every Sunday morning, you have the option of buying turnips from a character named Joan. The prices of these turnips varies week by week, and you can only purchase them in blocks of 10.

Throughout the rest of the week, you can sell your turnips back to the local shop owner, Tom Nook. But here's the catch: every day, the price he'll pay you for turnips also varies. It's a dangerous game to play, because you could end up selling your turnips for less than you purchased them for.

After the week is up, your turnips rot or something and you can't use them again. There's also some other thing that has to do with red turnips, but I've never done that, because you have to plant them, and all my plants die.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I noticed that Nook was lowballing me on these turnip prices. I became angry, and, living in the US, decided I would sue. But I needed to know: How much money am I going to sue for? Animal Crossing doesn't use US dollars, it uses Bells--and what am I going to do with thousands of bags of real life bells? Therefore, I devised a type of Animal Crossing Exchange Rate, and here's how I did it:

Step 1. Since you can't buy real money with bells (yet), the task was to figure out what else you end up spending to earn bells. The answer? Time. So, I found the only source of regular renewable income, selling seashells, and figured that it took about five minutes to harvest all of them from the beach.

Step 2. Next, the average amount of money that I earn by selling all the seashells on the beach hovers around 1,500 bells. This is EXACT SCIENCE, in that I didn't really do any research other than this.

Step 3. So, 1500 bells = 5 minutes, right? So you agree, then, that an hour of seashells translates to 18000 bells, right? Good.

Step 4. The current Federal wage rate in the United States is $6.55. Therefore, 18000 bells = $6.55.

Step 5. Which means that 18000/$6.55 = 2748.09160305344, or, rounding down, 2748.09.

There you have it, 2748.09 bells to the dollar.

TEN DOLLARS PLEASE, NINTENDO.

Labels: Nintendo Wii

Labels: Bargain Bin, Moblog, Nintendo Wii, Random

So yeah, check this out, folks:

http://marioandsonic.sega-europe.com/en/index.html

Mario and Sonic?! AT THE OLYMPIC GAMES?!?!?! We haven't had a game about the Olympics on this magnitude since that Izzy game came out.

I actually liked the Izzy game, because you could turn into a rocketship. I hope the Mario/Sonic game lets you turn into a rocketship, because I think it's actually one of the Olympic events.

Labels: Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

Hello? Is-bzzt-this work-bzzt-ing?

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

I think-bzzt-that one had-bzzt-an extra Z. -bzzt-

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

There it goes. No more bzzting.

-bzzt-

Lame.

Allow me to explain what's going on here. You see, I have travelled from the FUTURE, through an INTERNET TIME MACHINE. The future is a post-Wiipocalypse, where the entire family structure as you now know it has been turned around and kicked out the proverbial rock club door because it didn't have the proverbial wristband to get to the proverbial backstage area to talk to the proverbial band and maybe move some proverbial sound equipment out to the proverbial tour bus. What I mean to say is that things have changed, and it's all the Wii's fault.

As we all know by now, Nintendo is reaching out to the uninitiated gamer with this latest console. As in, any idiot should be able to pick up Wii Sports and hit the tennis ball. Unless that idiot doesn't know what tennis is in the first place, but you'd have to be a pretty uncultured idiot to not know what tennis is.

In the weeks approaching the Wii's launch, there was a sudden surge of Wii advertisements. Wii-vertisements? No, that's a stupid name. Wii was everywhere--in a two-episode South Park story arc, advertising during Dancing With the Stars, and various other things that I'm not going to link to. In short: Nintendo wants to take over the world one person at a time, and if those people happen to be middle-aged women watching Mario Lopez do the waltz, then so be it.

What the folks over at Nintendo never anticipated was just exactly how successful this combination of intuitive gameplay and the sensual swinging of AC Slater's hips would prove to be. People bought consoles, people plugged in consoles, people played Wii Sports, people all agreed that Wii Boxing was the coolest, and people all went to sleep that night. Yes, the average Wii-owning American family all experienced the exact same thing at roughly the exact same times, give or take a couple hours because of time zones and those freaky states that don't observe the organized lie of Daylight Saving Time. However, what transpired over the next few days would rock the foundation of the average Wii-owning American family--in more ways than one.

On Day 2, there wasn't much of a notable difference.

FATHER: Are you kids still playing that Wii? (This was be pronounced as "Why.")
KIDS: It's pronounced "Wii." (Pronounced in the usual manner.)
FATHER: [Disapproving glare.] Well whatever it is, pause it. Dinner's ready. You don't want it to get cold.
KIDS: [Disapproving glare, regarding the use of the cliche.]

Note the casual mispronunciation of "Wii," a common tactic among many parents. (See: Pokémon) It seemed...normal. This time would pass as all other console launches passed, mispronunciations and disapproving glares in abundant supply. Also, a lot of dinners would actually get cold.

However, nobody knew what to expect, when, on Day 3, everybody heard this exact sentence.

FATHER: Hey, let me try that tennis game you got there.

The kids guided their father through the simple process of creating a Mii. The father found this mildly amusing, but he was only doing this to appease his children. The kids then loaded up the Wii Sports disc, went through the menu system, and set their father loose on tennis. They showed him what to do, which character was his, and what "those funny square things" under his Mii represented. He began playing.

Three hours later, the kids finally won the arduous struggle, and reclaimed the Wii remote from their father. Somebody then carried the father to the kitchen. The father stood frozen in the kitchen, eyes wide, arms trembling, moving only to wipe the sweat out from his eyes.

FATHER: That...was...amazing.

The very fabric of life in the average Wii-owning American household was about to get its seams ripped out and replaced with dental floss, and while that metaphor doesn't make any sense, it would still be pretty shocking. Children everywhere would suddenly find that they had less and less time to spend with their new console. Saturday morning cartoons were replaced with hour-long dungeon-crawling Zelda sessions--and the kids weren't being invited.

FATHER: Hey, son--do you know what "turbo graphics" are? Because I just bought 40 of them through the "Why Shop Channel."
SON: It's a classic game console. And it's pronounced "Wii Shop Channel."
[pause]
SON: ...where's my digital camera?
FATHER: I needed the memory "chip" for these "turbo graphics." Did you know that this "Why" uses the same memory "chip" as your camera?
SON: But what happened to the actual camera?
FATHER: How do you think I paid for the "turbo graphics"?

Eventually, the Opera browser was released, and the Weather and News channels became fully active. Suddenly, the parents could access all the things they needed--all through their children's console.

The children were not pleased.

KIDS: Mom, dad--we need to talk.
FATHER: No.
MOTHER: No.
KIDS: We never get to play anymore.
FATHER: You also don't work forty hours a week to support your family.
MOTHER: You also don't need to check the weather for the big FAMILY VACATION that we're planning.
FATHER: Yeah, we're taking a big vacation.
MOTHER: A big one.
KIDS: Where?
FATHER: New York.
MOTHER: Nintendo World.
FATHER: To get some Wii merchandise.
MOTHER: You're not invited.
FATHER: Also, I need some component cables.
MOTHER: Yeah, 480p news and weather.
FATHER: But you're still not invited.
KIDS: . . . (This indicates stunned silence.)

The Wii was only a gateway to the world of the DS lite, and soon both Mother and Father were Training their Brains, Nintening their Dogs, and Clubhousing their Games. DS/Wii connectivity allowed them to fully take over every cool Nintendo system in the house. Also they wouldn't buy their kids an Xbox 360 or a PlayStation 3, which wasn't fair. Seriously.

Cut to a few years down the line: Mom and Dad are full-on gamers, and they're both unemployed. Children have taken to more adult hobbies, such as stamp collecting and thimble collecting and doing taxes and working ten hours a week and supporting the family and taking out the trash and paying bills and talking to the neighbors when they're going to build a new fence and watering the grass and mowing the lawn and caring for the flowers in the garden and planting tomatoes and getting the paper and reading the paper and throwing away the comics except for the crossword puzzle page and doing the sudoku puzzle and tearing out the crossword puzzle and reading Family Circus and writing letters to the doctor in the newspaper because you were angry about how he responded to that poor old woman in Wyoming because she has to be at least 83 and in poor health and she just wanted to know what he thought about the medicine she was prescribed by her doctor and it didn't seem right that he was so mean to her just because she was taking an active part in being concerned about the health care that she was being given by her doctor and saying 'how dare he respond with such candor!' and asking if this is what they call bedside manner nowadays and saying that you can understand why he just writes a column now instead of being a real doctor and also yelling at the judge shows on TV.

Also, kids won't get to play Zelda. Who wants to live in a world where kids don't get to play Zelda?

In closing, it is clear just how a prevalent a threat the intuitive controls and engaging gameplay of Nintendo's Wii console present. You must do your part to prevent this tragedy from taking place. I'm not telling you not to buy the Wii; I'm telling you never to tell anybody about it, and if that means opening Wii-related speakeasies (speak-wii-sies?) underground, then so be it.

Over and out. -bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt-

Time passes.

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

Okay, scratch the speakeasy idea. That just spawned some kind of horrible lobster/bear species, and I don't even want to know how that happened. So, uh, just take turns.

And that goes for you too, Mr. Father.

And you, Mrs. Mother.

And you, Mr. Pinchy-Bitey, the lobster/bear.

-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt-

Labels: Console Wars, Nintendo Wii

Today's top story: wild alligators on the loose.



Today was the day for Wii preorders, according to EBGamestopGeneralElectricKmart. I am ALL for preorders. I know what it's like to run around like an idiot.

I had the perfect plan. It was the perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, the perfect plaaaaaaaan. I would show up early. Nobody would show up early, right? Not in this small town! No way! Not at all!

Of course people will show up early. It's Nintendo. I figured an hour early should be enough, right?

At around 8am this morning, I set up my little. camping kit.


(Pictured: DS Lite, a memory card case filled with DS games, and a Victory Smartie. Not Pictured: Camera, and the elroyPod.)

I was amped. I was charged. I was stoked. I was ready.

I arrived at EBGames at 9:07am, 53 minutes before opening. There were about 12-14 people in line. I stood at the back of the line, queue'd up some Decemberists on the ol' elroyPod, and got to waiting.



After about 20 minutes, a guy steps out of the store with a clipboard. I squealed a little on the inside. A clipboard means justice. He began taking names from the people at the front of the line, when I hear this:

SOME GUY: I'd better get on the ^#$%# list, I've been here since 4 in the morning!

4 IN THE MORNING?!?!?! How am I supposed to compete with that?!

After a couple names are written down, he turns to the rest of us, and I know what's coming. He's got that look that the ride operators have on their face when the rides break down.

EBGUY: I have some bad news. We only have 10.

Great for everyone else, not so great for mister 15th-in-line. He kindly re-directs us all to another store, which I totally decide to not visit because i have four people ahead of me.

Is this the end of our tale? Will my Victory Smartie go UNOPENED?!

No, it won't! I take this as a hint to drive to an EBGames in a totally OPPOSITE direction. I'm excited, so of course I make 15000000 wrong turns along the way. I get there, and am greeted with a crowd of about 20 people, at another store with only 10 preorders. That Smartie is burning a hole in my pocket, so I drive to another store.

When I arrive at the third EBGames, this is what I see:



"HAHAHA!" I exclaim to myself. "THE LINE IS REALLY SHORT!"

If you'll notice, the guy on the far right brought a TV. What you DON'T know is that he also had Guitar Hero plugged into it. Clearly this was a sign! Clearly this was meant to be!

ME: IS THIS THE WHOLE CROWD?
GUITAR HERO GUY: What?
ME: FOR THE PREORDERS
GUITAR HERO GUY: Oh, those are already gone.
ME: . . .

At this moment, I see about five people walk out of the store, grinning and clutching their preorder receipts in their grubby claws. Okay, that's not entirely fair. But they were huge jerks, probably.

Right around then I started to feel a little discouraged. I was about to give up, when I remembered that there was a GameStop in the mall adjacent to this little minimall.

I'm up for an exercise in futility every once in a while, so I decide to go. I forgot where the store was in the mall, so I ended up parking on the completely wrong side. This caught my eye:



After trudging to GameStop, I noticed it was about 10:15. "No way," I said. "No chance."

I arrive to a line of about 15 people. Nobody's saying anything, I don't see any lists, nothing. I decide to stand in the line, because what else am I going to do? People at the front of the line keep leaving happily with receipts, like this guy's back:


LOL I PREORDERED A WII

I'm busying myself with taking humorous photographs:


LOL I'M 12 AND I'M A MANAGER

As I stand there, I wonder: will my dreams of preordering be...flushed away?



By the way, in the midst of all this, in the middle of a phone call, my cell phone decides to stop working. The only thing that works now is the little joystick, and it just dials the number 6. I can't even answer calls.

It's been about a half hour now, I'm thirsty, I'm angry at my cell phone, I'm mad that I've been carrying around my DS all day and I haven't used it at all, I'm mad that this is my fourth store, and I'm mad that all of a sudden I realize that they have a list of names from earlier in the day.

When I get up closer:

ME: Do...I have to be on the list?
GAMESTOP GUY: [checks] No, you should be fine.
ME: What spot am I?
GAMESTOP GUY: 21.
ME: How many are you getting?
GAMESTOP GUY: 30.

YES! FINALLY! A RAZZ-A-MA-TAZZ-A-LA-WAM-BAM-DIGGITY! (lame)

I preordered a lot of things there. A Wii, an extra controller, some product replacement thing--I might have preordered Reggie Fils-Aime. I was so excited. Still mad about the phone, but excited. I was now the proud owner of a receipt. It was now 11:15.

And the Smartie of Victory was delicious.

Labels: Nintendo Wii

If you'll notice, I changed the "now playing" section to a myMediaList. This makes it easier for me to update that section of the site, as well as provides a way for me to steal bandwidth from EBGames.com. (sorry)

You should also take note of that NHL 07 part of the list, because I will be tracking my progress through NHL 07's Dynasty Mode. I'm sticking close to my roots by choosing the Los Angeles Kings to lead to victory. To ensure (insure?) accuracy (accuracy?), I will not be restarting any games (lame), and I will not be switching control over to the other team so that I can pull their goalie and then switch back to my team so that I can score unlimited empty-net goals (double lame). Expect a full review eventually, along with reviews of Mario Hoops 3-on-3 and Test Drive Unlimited. You MAY even get to see the rest of the Console Wars series! Maybe.

Also, the Wii will cost $250 and will come with Wii Sports and it will come out on November 19th. IN THE US. Japan gets it for 25,000 yen, sans Wii Sports, on December 2nd. LOL, JAPAN! LOL.

Sorry about the LOLing.

Labels: Meta, Nintendo Wii, Xbox 360

"Okay, the name ... we want to thank everyone that had good things to say about it ... both of you."

Thanks, Reggie.

The Wii had some pretty awesome things this E3, including playable demos that I didn't get to play because I didn't actually get to go to E3.

It has tennis. TENNIS. Not Mario Tennis, though, for which I am deeply saddened.

It has a port of Twilight Princess.

It has Super Smash Brothers Brawl, which has THE GUY FROM METAL GEAR SOLID. YEAH THAT GUY.

It has a speaker on the remote.

It has a virtual console.

It has a way better implementation of motion detection than the PS3 does. Sony, if you're listening, this is unacceptable. Combined with my previous complaints about Sony at E3, this is worthy of some drastic action. Sony, I'm putting you ON NOTICE. You and your "Dual Shake" controller.



I can't really complain about the Wii right now, though, and I've even gotten used to the name by now. Wii. Wiiiiiiiii.

The best thing about E3, besides the Wii, is this:

STAR FOX DS.

Yeah man. Star Fox DS, man. Star Fox DS ONLINE, MAN.

So Nintendo pretty much wins E3. Sony can go fall in a ditch on the side of the road. And um, get really dirty.

Because the hole is full of dirt.

Labels: E3 Report, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3

I thought this was important enough to steal for my own website.

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/04/27/nintendo-revolution-now-called-wii/

"Wii sounds like 'we,' which emphasizes this console is for everyone. Wii can easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii."

Labels: Nintendo Wii

Planet GameCube News Article: Nintendo Reveals Revolution Features

...The console also will have downloadable access to 20 years of fan-favorite titles originally released for Nintendo® 64, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System® (SNES) and even the Nintendo Entertainment System® (NES)...

...A number of Wi-Fi-enabled launch titles are in development that will employ Nintendo’s newly announced wireless gaming service...

...Smash Bros. Online for Revolution's launch is confirmed...

i think i'm going to faint.

Labels: Nintendo Wii