-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

Hello? Is-bzzt-this work-bzzt-ing?

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

I think-bzzt-that one had-bzzt-an extra Z. -bzzt-

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

There it goes. No more bzzting.

-bzzt-

Lame.

Allow me to explain what's going on here. You see, I have travelled from the FUTURE, through an INTERNET TIME MACHINE. The future is a post-Wiipocalypse, where the entire family structure as you now know it has been turned around and kicked out the proverbial rock club door because it didn't have the proverbial wristband to get to the proverbial backstage area to talk to the proverbial band and maybe move some proverbial sound equipment out to the proverbial tour bus. What I mean to say is that things have changed, and it's all the Wii's fault.

As we all know by now, Nintendo is reaching out to the uninitiated gamer with this latest console. As in, any idiot should be able to pick up Wii Sports and hit the tennis ball. Unless that idiot doesn't know what tennis is in the first place, but you'd have to be a pretty uncultured idiot to not know what tennis is.

In the weeks approaching the Wii's launch, there was a sudden surge of Wii advertisements. Wii-vertisements? No, that's a stupid name. Wii was everywhere--in a two-episode South Park story arc, advertising during Dancing With the Stars, and various other things that I'm not going to link to. In short: Nintendo wants to take over the world one person at a time, and if those people happen to be middle-aged women watching Mario Lopez do the waltz, then so be it.

What the folks over at Nintendo never anticipated was just exactly how successful this combination of intuitive gameplay and the sensual swinging of AC Slater's hips would prove to be. People bought consoles, people plugged in consoles, people played Wii Sports, people all agreed that Wii Boxing was the coolest, and people all went to sleep that night. Yes, the average Wii-owning American family all experienced the exact same thing at roughly the exact same times, give or take a couple hours because of time zones and those freaky states that don't observe the organized lie of Daylight Saving Time. However, what transpired over the next few days would rock the foundation of the average Wii-owning American family--in more ways than one.

On Day 2, there wasn't much of a notable difference.

FATHER: Are you kids still playing that Wii? (This was be pronounced as "Why.")
KIDS: It's pronounced "Wii." (Pronounced in the usual manner.)
FATHER: [Disapproving glare.] Well whatever it is, pause it. Dinner's ready. You don't want it to get cold.
KIDS: [Disapproving glare, regarding the use of the cliche.]

Note the casual mispronunciation of "Wii," a common tactic among many parents. (See: Pokémon) It seemed...normal. This time would pass as all other console launches passed, mispronunciations and disapproving glares in abundant supply. Also, a lot of dinners would actually get cold.

However, nobody knew what to expect, when, on Day 3, everybody heard this exact sentence.

FATHER: Hey, let me try that tennis game you got there.

The kids guided their father through the simple process of creating a Mii. The father found this mildly amusing, but he was only doing this to appease his children. The kids then loaded up the Wii Sports disc, went through the menu system, and set their father loose on tennis. They showed him what to do, which character was his, and what "those funny square things" under his Mii represented. He began playing.

Three hours later, the kids finally won the arduous struggle, and reclaimed the Wii remote from their father. Somebody then carried the father to the kitchen. The father stood frozen in the kitchen, eyes wide, arms trembling, moving only to wipe the sweat out from his eyes.

FATHER: That...was...amazing.

The very fabric of life in the average Wii-owning American household was about to get its seams ripped out and replaced with dental floss, and while that metaphor doesn't make any sense, it would still be pretty shocking. Children everywhere would suddenly find that they had less and less time to spend with their new console. Saturday morning cartoons were replaced with hour-long dungeon-crawling Zelda sessions--and the kids weren't being invited.

FATHER: Hey, son--do you know what "turbo graphics" are? Because I just bought 40 of them through the "Why Shop Channel."
SON: It's a classic game console. And it's pronounced "Wii Shop Channel."
[pause]
SON: ...where's my digital camera?
FATHER: I needed the memory "chip" for these "turbo graphics." Did you know that this "Why" uses the same memory "chip" as your camera?
SON: But what happened to the actual camera?
FATHER: How do you think I paid for the "turbo graphics"?

Eventually, the Opera browser was released, and the Weather and News channels became fully active. Suddenly, the parents could access all the things they needed--all through their children's console.

The children were not pleased.

KIDS: Mom, dad--we need to talk.
FATHER: No.
MOTHER: No.
KIDS: We never get to play anymore.
FATHER: You also don't work forty hours a week to support your family.
MOTHER: You also don't need to check the weather for the big FAMILY VACATION that we're planning.
FATHER: Yeah, we're taking a big vacation.
MOTHER: A big one.
KIDS: Where?
FATHER: New York.
MOTHER: Nintendo World.
FATHER: To get some Wii merchandise.
MOTHER: You're not invited.
FATHER: Also, I need some component cables.
MOTHER: Yeah, 480p news and weather.
FATHER: But you're still not invited.
KIDS: . . . (This indicates stunned silence.)

The Wii was only a gateway to the world of the DS lite, and soon both Mother and Father were Training their Brains, Nintening their Dogs, and Clubhousing their Games. DS/Wii connectivity allowed them to fully take over every cool Nintendo system in the house. Also they wouldn't buy their kids an Xbox 360 or a PlayStation 3, which wasn't fair. Seriously.

Cut to a few years down the line: Mom and Dad are full-on gamers, and they're both unemployed. Children have taken to more adult hobbies, such as stamp collecting and thimble collecting and doing taxes and working ten hours a week and supporting the family and taking out the trash and paying bills and talking to the neighbors when they're going to build a new fence and watering the grass and mowing the lawn and caring for the flowers in the garden and planting tomatoes and getting the paper and reading the paper and throwing away the comics except for the crossword puzzle page and doing the sudoku puzzle and tearing out the crossword puzzle and reading Family Circus and writing letters to the doctor in the newspaper because you were angry about how he responded to that poor old woman in Wyoming because she has to be at least 83 and in poor health and she just wanted to know what he thought about the medicine she was prescribed by her doctor and it didn't seem right that he was so mean to her just because she was taking an active part in being concerned about the health care that she was being given by her doctor and saying 'how dare he respond with such candor!' and asking if this is what they call bedside manner nowadays and saying that you can understand why he just writes a column now instead of being a real doctor and also yelling at the judge shows on TV.

Also, kids won't get to play Zelda. Who wants to live in a world where kids don't get to play Zelda?

In closing, it is clear just how a prevalent a threat the intuitive controls and engaging gameplay of Nintendo's Wii console present. You must do your part to prevent this tragedy from taking place. I'm not telling you not to buy the Wii; I'm telling you never to tell anybody about it, and if that means opening Wii-related speakeasies (speak-wii-sies?) underground, then so be it.

Over and out. -bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt-

Time passes.

-BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!-

Okay, scratch the speakeasy idea. That just spawned some kind of horrible lobster/bear species, and I don't even want to know how that happened. So, uh, just take turns.

And that goes for you too, Mr. Father.

And you, Mrs. Mother.

And you, Mr. Pinchy-Bitey, the lobster/bear.

-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt-

Labels: Console Wars, Nintendo Wii

Previously on The Console Wars, we took a look at Sony's new offering, the Plaga Statim PlayStation 3. This time, we're taking a look at the first console out of the gate--Microsoft's Xbox 360.

The 360 launched last November, to insane shortages. Everyone who bought one at launch was either crazy, insane, mental, or had some extra money lying around to pay for super expedited shipping (read: crazyinsanemental). Or, they preordered it way in advance. That's silly, though. Who would preorder something that far in advance??

The console itself did not go without criticism, either. Many were quick to note the lack of attention paid to graphics in certain launch titles--thanks a lot, ports--and some noticed that the system may have been prone to crashes. That'll probably be the last link.

Of the criticisms about the 360's graphics, one phrase has stood out above the pack: Xbox 1.5. Let's ignore the fact that it goes against the Xbox numbering scheme, and get on to brass tacks. Tax? I don't know. Forget I said anything.

For this special edition of The Console Wars, we're going to look at two brand new Xbox games. Since these are brand new, surely we will be able to exhibit the Xbox 360's power, right? Second-generation graphics, right? We'll see about that.

The Contenders

Above: Robo Blast, Mystic Castle

These two Xbox games demonstrate the pure processing power of the 360's tri-core processor. That's three of them! Each of them features the 360's revolutionary "d-pad and one button" scheme, which is perfect for moving around and doing exactly one thing.

Let's get on to the reviews!

Robo Blast

Note the green wrist strap.

Robo Blast shows Microsoft's new approach to kid-friendly gaming by including a wrist strap that only fits malnourished three year old children. If your child manages to affix the console to their wrist, they'll be treated to a one-half-inch tall hunk of plastic that serves no purpose other than to allow you to play Robo Blast. This is not recommended, as it is easier to blast robos with both hands at the helm.

The premise is simple: there are robos everywhere, running amok, without supervision, and it is your job to blast them into submission. This is accomplished by moving a targeting reticule around the grid, aiming for the aforementioned robos, and pressing the green "blast" button. Yes, all of the buttons are green, and yes, I've forgotten to tell you to flick the "on" switch on the side, but in this day and age, I assume you all know your way around complex electronics.

Given the fact that the Xbox 360 is fully capable of providing surround sound, I was surprised to hear the familiar bleeps and bloops of an old arcade game from the 80's. Is this supposed to appeal to my retro-gamer needs? Because it totally does.

The presentation in this game is a little lackluster. Where's the introductory cutscene? Where's the soundtrack? Where's the voice acting? Where's any kind of menu system at all? The answer to all of the above is "nowhere near this game". How long have you been making video games?

The lack of online multiplayer hurts this game. In a game so rife with possible multiplayer modes (co-op robo blasting, robo vs. robo, capture the robo) it is almost unimaginable that the devs would skip this. Perhaps a patch from the Xbox Live Marketplace? I don't know. Maybe.

The controls could use some tweaking, as well. The d-pad is even less responsive than the regular 360 controller's d-pad. Oh no I didn't! Oh yes I did.

Bottom line--skip Robo Blast, or wait until the Platinum Hits version drops.

Mystic Castle

Get me my +2 Sword of Sexy Justice

Mystic Castle is a gem in a sea of less-than-fulfilling gems, a veritable "good game" amongst a wave of "lame games".

Mystic Castle is a dungeon crawler--in the truest sense. Fighting your way through hallways, other hallways, and even MORE hallways, looking for items and pressing your green fire button to fire your weapon at enemies. The gameplay here is reminiscent of Elder Scrolls IV, in that it takes place entirely from a first-person perspective. Visually-stunning LCD graphics take the Xbox 360 headfirst into the true era of high-definition entertainment.

The storyline follows thusly: your main character--a Robot (not to be confused with a Robo, from the dreaded Robo Blast franchise) seeks items. What items they are, I do not remember, because I lost the manual. The fact of the matter, however, is that these items have been lost inside a mystical castle--the Mystic Castle, if you will--and are guarded by enemies. Dangerous blip-shaped enemies.

The core gameplay should be familiar to us all--walk down the hallway until it looks like you've come up to a wall, press "right", continue walking, go into a door, and, depending on the size of the blip you run into--walk into it or fire at it. It is rare nowadays to come upon a game that blends these elements--walking and firing and recognizing the size of things--so flawlessly, so beautifully.

Some famous people once said, "Trust, but verify." Others have said "I am not an animal." This makes up what seems to be the general consensus about this game. This game also lacks multiplayer, but its single-player campaign is SO deep and involving that I've literally lost seconds of my life to it. Minutes, even. If I'm not too careful, I could miss a commercial on TV or something.

The controls here are a tad unresponsive as well, but that only adds to the stark realism of the game. If I was walking down a hallway, how long would it really take me to fire at an enemy? To enter a doorway? To pick up an item? It would probably take me as long as it would to press the corresponding buttons on my controller. That's what I'm getting at.

The soundtrack is full of gleeful and mystic bleeps and bloops.

Mystic Castle is the perfect video game, the epitome of "totally rad", an X-Play 5 out of 5, et cetera. Pick up this game and immerse yourself; LCD graphics like this only come but once a year.

So wlll the Xbox 360 survive the console wars? Only time will tell. But if they keep making more Mystic Castles and less Robo Blasts, the future is looking up.

Signing off!

BLEEEEEEEEEEEP BOOOOOOOOOOOP BOOOOOOOOOOOOP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP

(That's the end theme to Mystic Castle.)

Labels: Console Wars, Xbox 360

NAME: Sony Playstation 3
SIZE: 15 square miles
TARGET MARKET: Anybody that doesn't know what "E3" means

The Sony Playstation 3 was originally conceived as an entirely new continent. However, the disappointing surface area of the first several prototype models discouraged the executives, and it was then decided that the Sony Playstation 3 would simply become a supercopmuter, capable of reading lips and causing mass mayhem.

Several bloggers at the recent Electronics Entertainment Expo took note of the size of the Playstation 3, stating that the controls for the eighteen-wheeled power-supply-wielding vehicle were, at times, unresponsive, and, at other times, life-endangering.

The "Playstation" moniker was derived from the latin phrase "plaga statim," which refers to a disease from ancient Rome that was instantly contracted, and, at times, life-endangering (note: 'at times,' in this case, means 'always'). When afflicted, a person was required to etch "PS" in front of a crowded marketplace onto a nearby rock, followed by the number of strains of the disease he was currently carriying. In this case, "PS3" was a fairly good sign, because it meant that only those that came within ten feet of the afflicted individual would themselves be struck with disease.

The PS3 makes use of a Cell processor, which has less to do with cell phones than the average person might believe. The Cell processor was crafted by James E. Motion, creator of the ever-famous "emotion engine" that was featured within the Playstation 2. Many Sony critics note that, despite the presence of an "engine" within the Playstation 2, it was unable to drive anywhere. To quote one Sony fan: "The Emotion Engine owns anything your purple Nintendo Gamesquare can do. I drove it to work this morning." All Sony fans are liars.

Sony is including "Drummy, the DRM-powered Robot" with every console purchase. Hearkening back to the days of the Nintendo ROB, "Drummy" connects wirelessly to your PS3, and is used to enhance select game experiences. As an added bonus, "Drummy" will destroy any burned CDs and MP3 files you may have lying around your home. As "Drummy" puts his foot through your generic-brand television set, he will howl in pain and scream "you should've bought a Sony television" and "please stop emotionally terrorizing Drummy" and "please direct Drummy to any other non-Sony appliances." He will also leak oil onto your PS3 games, which cannot be replaced by warranty.

To top off the delicious sundae that is the PS3, Sony is throwing in a first-generation Blu-ray player, because, as the old saying goes, "always buy version 1 of everything!" Blu-ray is a wonderful new technology that will require you to purchase a new, high-definition television set (and why not a "Drummy"-approved SONY set?), because, as it is stated in the PS3's instruction manual: "Playing Blu-ray Discs on a standard-definition television is stupid." Blu-ray technology drives the price up an additional 200 dollars, which brings the final cost of the PS3 to "your firstborn child and 200 dollars."

There's also something about a motion-sensing controller, but they just told me about that right now.

Labels: Console Wars, Playstation 3