NAME: Sony Playstation 3
SIZE: 15 square miles
TARGET MARKET: Anybody that doesn't know what "E3" means

The Sony Playstation 3 was originally conceived as an entirely new continent. However, the disappointing surface area of the first several prototype models discouraged the executives, and it was then decided that the Sony Playstation 3 would simply become a supercopmuter, capable of reading lips and causing mass mayhem.

Several bloggers at the recent Electronics Entertainment Expo took note of the size of the Playstation 3, stating that the controls for the eighteen-wheeled power-supply-wielding vehicle were, at times, unresponsive, and, at other times, life-endangering.

The "Playstation" moniker was derived from the latin phrase "plaga statim," which refers to a disease from ancient Rome that was instantly contracted, and, at times, life-endangering (note: 'at times,' in this case, means 'always'). When afflicted, a person was required to etch "PS" in front of a crowded marketplace onto a nearby rock, followed by the number of strains of the disease he was currently carriying. In this case, "PS3" was a fairly good sign, because it meant that only those that came within ten feet of the afflicted individual would themselves be struck with disease.

The PS3 makes use of a Cell processor, which has less to do with cell phones than the average person might believe. The Cell processor was crafted by James E. Motion, creator of the ever-famous "emotion engine" that was featured within the Playstation 2. Many Sony critics note that, despite the presence of an "engine" within the Playstation 2, it was unable to drive anywhere. To quote one Sony fan: "The Emotion Engine owns anything your purple Nintendo Gamesquare can do. I drove it to work this morning." All Sony fans are liars.

Sony is including "Drummy, the DRM-powered Robot" with every console purchase. Hearkening back to the days of the Nintendo ROB, "Drummy" connects wirelessly to your PS3, and is used to enhance select game experiences. As an added bonus, "Drummy" will destroy any burned CDs and MP3 files you may have lying around your home. As "Drummy" puts his foot through your generic-brand television set, he will howl in pain and scream "you should've bought a Sony television" and "please stop emotionally terrorizing Drummy" and "please direct Drummy to any other non-Sony appliances." He will also leak oil onto your PS3 games, which cannot be replaced by warranty.

To top off the delicious sundae that is the PS3, Sony is throwing in a first-generation Blu-ray player, because, as the old saying goes, "always buy version 1 of everything!" Blu-ray is a wonderful new technology that will require you to purchase a new, high-definition television set (and why not a "Drummy"-approved SONY set?), because, as it is stated in the PS3's instruction manual: "Playing Blu-ray Discs on a standard-definition television is stupid." Blu-ray technology drives the price up an additional 200 dollars, which brings the final cost of the PS3 to "your firstborn child and 200 dollars."

There's also something about a motion-sensing controller, but they just told me about that right now.

Labels: Console Wars, Playstation 3

"Okay, the name ... we want to thank everyone that had good things to say about it ... both of you."

Thanks, Reggie.

The Wii had some pretty awesome things this E3, including playable demos that I didn't get to play because I didn't actually get to go to E3.

It has tennis. TENNIS. Not Mario Tennis, though, for which I am deeply saddened.

It has a port of Twilight Princess.

It has Super Smash Brothers Brawl, which has THE GUY FROM METAL GEAR SOLID. YEAH THAT GUY.

It has a speaker on the remote.

It has a virtual console.

It has a way better implementation of motion detection than the PS3 does. Sony, if you're listening, this is unacceptable. Combined with my previous complaints about Sony at E3, this is worthy of some drastic action. Sony, I'm putting you ON NOTICE. You and your "Dual Shake" controller.



I can't really complain about the Wii right now, though, and I've even gotten used to the name by now. Wii. Wiiiiiiiii.

The best thing about E3, besides the Wii, is this:

STAR FOX DS.

Yeah man. Star Fox DS, man. Star Fox DS ONLINE, MAN.

So Nintendo pretty much wins E3. Sony can go fall in a ditch on the side of the road. And um, get really dirty.

Because the hole is full of dirt.

Labels: E3 Report, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii, Playstation 3

First off, yes, that's Mario's head on Stephen Colbert's body.

My plans for E3 fell through. As in, a certain unnamed party's promises of a glorious trip to E3 fell through. More like his lies.

You know who you are.

Anyway.

Having the Internet is like being at E3, because from what I understand, all the cool video game newsblogs post stuff live from E3. So it's pretty much the same experience, minus the free stuff and the game demos and the cute girls at the booths, although those are supposed to be in short supply this year. It was controversial.

On the game demo front, however, Microsoft is doing something unprecedently nice this time around, by giving 360 owners some keen E3-related content via the much-heralded Xbox Live Marketplace. Content such as trailers, weird promotional gamerpic packs, and--yoooou guessed it--demos! Well, like, two demos so far--Test Drive Unlimited and a game I previously reviewed, Top Spin 2. More stuff is supposed to come, I guess...COOL new stuff. That's all I know.

So today brought us the PS3 announcement. What? Sony actually said something about the PS3? Is it...something amazing?

I don't know. Let's find out.

According to Joystiq, the PS3 demos were running at 1080i, not 1080p. Of course, that page is riddled with typos from the live blogging, so I don't know. 1080i is cool and all, but amazing? Not really. We already have a console that does 1080i.

The controller wasn't received too well when it was first shown o' those many moons ago. Today, Sony revealed their new design, which looks--surprise--exactly like the old controller. Thanks, Sony, for remaking the second- or third-worst controller I've ever used. It's the third-worst if you count handheld pads as controllers, because the PSP had horrid controls. For everything.

The new controller has some features which we once dubbed "revolutionary"--as in, they're ideas that Nintendo came up with already for the previously-codenamed Revolution. XYZ, pitch, roll, yaw, and lateral motion detection. Great, Sony, thanks for taking really cool features and blah blah blah blah the second-worst controller I've ever used.

(Don't get me wrong about the controller stuff, because I still like the PS2. But the controller is the least comfortable thing ever. Thanks, Sony.)

The way I see it, it can't possibly be as fun as the Wii controls, because 1) the Wii has a seperate controller for each hand and 2) because playing tennis with a Sony Dual Shock controller would be like playing tennis with a steering wheel.

Speaking of "Dual Shock," the PS3 controller lacks rumble output. Thanks, Sony!!

Finally, the price: $500 for the "basic" package, and $600 for the "good" package. I don't know what they're really called, and, no, those aren't Canadian prices, either! 500-600 REAL DOLLARS! At least the Wii will (hopefully) be around a third of that price. Think about it, because I know you're not thinking about it yet.

In closing, I'm kinda ticked that Sony isn't doing anything really amazing with the PS3. Not anything that we haven't seen before. And they actually removed a feature that became standard! What's your game, Sony? What's your game?!?!!?!?

Also, if any of you saw The Apprentice, there's no way Michael should have gotten fired. And Lee is on his way out. And none of you watched The Apprentice.

Labels: E3 Report, Playstation 3, Xbox 360