Some people call it "the greatest game ever." Some people call it "the game that inspired Geometry Wars." Some others call it "the game that inspired that weird N64 port."

I call it Robotron 2084. For one, that's the title. It's also easier to type than those other monikers. Although, to be fair, I don't think long descriptions count as monikers in the first place. "Whatever," right?

It turns out whatever is NOT right. Robotron 2084 isn't ABOUT whatever; it's about precision, skill, determination, and shooting up robots. Mostly the part about shooting up robots.

Created in the pre-"Matrix" 1980s, the world of Robotron is set in a futuristic dystopia. Charged with saving the last human family, a robot with a funny-shaped head (who I will refer to as "Robotron") is given a robot-destroying laser (which doesn't even destroy every kind of robot) and set upon the massive world of...actually I think it's Earth. It's kind of like an Asimov novel in some aspects, by which I mean absolutely no aspects.

I'm admittedly not that good at Robotron 2084. I've yet to see wave 10, and I doubt it really exists.

When you first begin the game, you'll focus on saving the last human family. It's easy the first two times, right? Just clear out some robots around them and charge in their direction, right?

It turns out that they'll end up being just about the last thing on your mind in the coming waves. "Save the last human family" turns into "save your own hide from being eaten by giant indestructible robots." Yes, the robots eat you. That's what that explodey noise indicates.

One of the main things you need to consider are the little red flashing orbs that spit little tread-wheeled robots at you. In the later waves, they spit like fifty of them at you. And there'll be five flashy dots. I know.

It helps if you take into consideration that the "last human family" wouldn't need saving if they didn't decide that it'd be a good idea to dance around with evil giant robots all day. Forget them, okay? Forget them and watch the flashing little skull/crossbones with glee. Jerks.

Except of course in wave 5, when they decide that they've had enough of your lack of care for them and they go all rogue and flashy on you. That's right, the evil brain-robots (HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE, BY THE WAY) decide that it's a good idea to turn the last human family (which, in this level, is made up of like thirty women) into flashing running laser bombs.

First off, why are there thirty women in this level?! Are we taking the phrase "family" too lightly, or do these people just have way too much time on their hands? I prefer to think it's the latter, just to suit my "these people don't need saving, you're on your own" needs. Alas.

Wave 7 is pretty much where I give up hope for all living things.

Wave 7 is controlled by these bouncing light orbs which, if you don't destroy them promptly, turn into giant rubber toy robots that hurl bouncing globs of evil evil laser gunk your way. But it moves really fast, because the people over at Midway have no morals. I made it to wave 8 twice.

Wave 8 is pretty much a slap in the face. That is, if you were getting slapped in the face with little tread-wheeled robots.

Aside from all the horrible horrible experiences Midway has decided to torture me with, Robotron 2084 has become my most-played Xbox 360 game. That's right, more played than King Kong. And King Kong is totally awesome. However, I've not played through it a second time to unlock the "good" ending where Kong lives and is sent back to his home island where he's greeted by cute girls and dancing candy robots that spit candy every time they do a flip, which is a lot of candy because the only dance candy robots know how to do is that one dance that involves a lot of flipping.

I made up the part about the girls and robots.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360