Previously on The Console Wars, we took a look at Sony's new offering, the Plaga Statim PlayStation 3. This time, we're taking a look at the first console out of the gate--Microsoft's Xbox 360.

The 360 launched last November, to insane shortages. Everyone who bought one at launch was either crazy, insane, mental, or had some extra money lying around to pay for super expedited shipping (read: crazyinsanemental). Or, they preordered it way in advance. That's silly, though. Who would preorder something that far in advance??

The console itself did not go without criticism, either. Many were quick to note the lack of attention paid to graphics in certain launch titles--thanks a lot, ports--and some noticed that the system may have been prone to crashes. That'll probably be the last link.

Of the criticisms about the 360's graphics, one phrase has stood out above the pack: Xbox 1.5. Let's ignore the fact that it goes against the Xbox numbering scheme, and get on to brass tacks. Tax? I don't know. Forget I said anything.

For this special edition of The Console Wars, we're going to look at two brand new Xbox games. Since these are brand new, surely we will be able to exhibit the Xbox 360's power, right? Second-generation graphics, right? We'll see about that.

The Contenders

Above: Robo Blast, Mystic Castle

These two Xbox games demonstrate the pure processing power of the 360's tri-core processor. That's three of them! Each of them features the 360's revolutionary "d-pad and one button" scheme, which is perfect for moving around and doing exactly one thing.

Let's get on to the reviews!

Robo Blast

Note the green wrist strap.

Robo Blast shows Microsoft's new approach to kid-friendly gaming by including a wrist strap that only fits malnourished three year old children. If your child manages to affix the console to their wrist, they'll be treated to a one-half-inch tall hunk of plastic that serves no purpose other than to allow you to play Robo Blast. This is not recommended, as it is easier to blast robos with both hands at the helm.

The premise is simple: there are robos everywhere, running amok, without supervision, and it is your job to blast them into submission. This is accomplished by moving a targeting reticule around the grid, aiming for the aforementioned robos, and pressing the green "blast" button. Yes, all of the buttons are green, and yes, I've forgotten to tell you to flick the "on" switch on the side, but in this day and age, I assume you all know your way around complex electronics.

Given the fact that the Xbox 360 is fully capable of providing surround sound, I was surprised to hear the familiar bleeps and bloops of an old arcade game from the 80's. Is this supposed to appeal to my retro-gamer needs? Because it totally does.

The presentation in this game is a little lackluster. Where's the introductory cutscene? Where's the soundtrack? Where's the voice acting? Where's any kind of menu system at all? The answer to all of the above is "nowhere near this game". How long have you been making video games?

The lack of online multiplayer hurts this game. In a game so rife with possible multiplayer modes (co-op robo blasting, robo vs. robo, capture the robo) it is almost unimaginable that the devs would skip this. Perhaps a patch from the Xbox Live Marketplace? I don't know. Maybe.

The controls could use some tweaking, as well. The d-pad is even less responsive than the regular 360 controller's d-pad. Oh no I didn't! Oh yes I did.

Bottom line--skip Robo Blast, or wait until the Platinum Hits version drops.

Mystic Castle

Get me my +2 Sword of Sexy Justice

Mystic Castle is a gem in a sea of less-than-fulfilling gems, a veritable "good game" amongst a wave of "lame games".

Mystic Castle is a dungeon crawler--in the truest sense. Fighting your way through hallways, other hallways, and even MORE hallways, looking for items and pressing your green fire button to fire your weapon at enemies. The gameplay here is reminiscent of Elder Scrolls IV, in that it takes place entirely from a first-person perspective. Visually-stunning LCD graphics take the Xbox 360 headfirst into the true era of high-definition entertainment.

The storyline follows thusly: your main character--a Robot (not to be confused with a Robo, from the dreaded Robo Blast franchise) seeks items. What items they are, I do not remember, because I lost the manual. The fact of the matter, however, is that these items have been lost inside a mystical castle--the Mystic Castle, if you will--and are guarded by enemies. Dangerous blip-shaped enemies.

The core gameplay should be familiar to us all--walk down the hallway until it looks like you've come up to a wall, press "right", continue walking, go into a door, and, depending on the size of the blip you run into--walk into it or fire at it. It is rare nowadays to come upon a game that blends these elements--walking and firing and recognizing the size of things--so flawlessly, so beautifully.

Some famous people once said, "Trust, but verify." Others have said "I am not an animal." This makes up what seems to be the general consensus about this game. This game also lacks multiplayer, but its single-player campaign is SO deep and involving that I've literally lost seconds of my life to it. Minutes, even. If I'm not too careful, I could miss a commercial on TV or something.

The controls here are a tad unresponsive as well, but that only adds to the stark realism of the game. If I was walking down a hallway, how long would it really take me to fire at an enemy? To enter a doorway? To pick up an item? It would probably take me as long as it would to press the corresponding buttons on my controller. That's what I'm getting at.

The soundtrack is full of gleeful and mystic bleeps and bloops.

Mystic Castle is the perfect video game, the epitome of "totally rad", an X-Play 5 out of 5, et cetera. Pick up this game and immerse yourself; LCD graphics like this only come but once a year.

So wlll the Xbox 360 survive the console wars? Only time will tell. But if they keep making more Mystic Castles and less Robo Blasts, the future is looking up.

Signing off!

BLEEEEEEEEEEEP BOOOOOOOOOOOP BOOOOOOOOOOOOP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP

(That's the end theme to Mystic Castle.)

Labels: Console Wars, Xbox 360

Today's top story: wild alligators on the loose.



Today was the day for Wii preorders, according to EBGamestopGeneralElectricKmart. I am ALL for preorders. I know what it's like to run around like an idiot.

I had the perfect plan. It was the perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, the perfect plaaaaaaaan. I would show up early. Nobody would show up early, right? Not in this small town! No way! Not at all!

Of course people will show up early. It's Nintendo. I figured an hour early should be enough, right?

At around 8am this morning, I set up my little. camping kit.


(Pictured: DS Lite, a memory card case filled with DS games, and a Victory Smartie. Not Pictured: Camera, and the elroyPod.)

I was amped. I was charged. I was stoked. I was ready.

I arrived at EBGames at 9:07am, 53 minutes before opening. There were about 12-14 people in line. I stood at the back of the line, queue'd up some Decemberists on the ol' elroyPod, and got to waiting.



After about 20 minutes, a guy steps out of the store with a clipboard. I squealed a little on the inside. A clipboard means justice. He began taking names from the people at the front of the line, when I hear this:

SOME GUY: I'd better get on the ^#$%# list, I've been here since 4 in the morning!

4 IN THE MORNING?!?!?! How am I supposed to compete with that?!

After a couple names are written down, he turns to the rest of us, and I know what's coming. He's got that look that the ride operators have on their face when the rides break down.

EBGUY: I have some bad news. We only have 10.

Great for everyone else, not so great for mister 15th-in-line. He kindly re-directs us all to another store, which I totally decide to not visit because i have four people ahead of me.

Is this the end of our tale? Will my Victory Smartie go UNOPENED?!

No, it won't! I take this as a hint to drive to an EBGames in a totally OPPOSITE direction. I'm excited, so of course I make 15000000 wrong turns along the way. I get there, and am greeted with a crowd of about 20 people, at another store with only 10 preorders. That Smartie is burning a hole in my pocket, so I drive to another store.

When I arrive at the third EBGames, this is what I see:



"HAHAHA!" I exclaim to myself. "THE LINE IS REALLY SHORT!"

If you'll notice, the guy on the far right brought a TV. What you DON'T know is that he also had Guitar Hero plugged into it. Clearly this was a sign! Clearly this was meant to be!

ME: IS THIS THE WHOLE CROWD?
GUITAR HERO GUY: What?
ME: FOR THE PREORDERS
GUITAR HERO GUY: Oh, those are already gone.
ME: . . .

At this moment, I see about five people walk out of the store, grinning and clutching their preorder receipts in their grubby claws. Okay, that's not entirely fair. But they were huge jerks, probably.

Right around then I started to feel a little discouraged. I was about to give up, when I remembered that there was a GameStop in the mall adjacent to this little minimall.

I'm up for an exercise in futility every once in a while, so I decide to go. I forgot where the store was in the mall, so I ended up parking on the completely wrong side. This caught my eye:



After trudging to GameStop, I noticed it was about 10:15. "No way," I said. "No chance."

I arrive to a line of about 15 people. Nobody's saying anything, I don't see any lists, nothing. I decide to stand in the line, because what else am I going to do? People at the front of the line keep leaving happily with receipts, like this guy's back:


LOL I PREORDERED A WII

I'm busying myself with taking humorous photographs:


LOL I'M 12 AND I'M A MANAGER

As I stand there, I wonder: will my dreams of preordering be...flushed away?



By the way, in the midst of all this, in the middle of a phone call, my cell phone decides to stop working. The only thing that works now is the little joystick, and it just dials the number 6. I can't even answer calls.

It's been about a half hour now, I'm thirsty, I'm angry at my cell phone, I'm mad that I've been carrying around my DS all day and I haven't used it at all, I'm mad that this is my fourth store, and I'm mad that all of a sudden I realize that they have a list of names from earlier in the day.

When I get up closer:

ME: Do...I have to be on the list?
GAMESTOP GUY: [checks] No, you should be fine.
ME: What spot am I?
GAMESTOP GUY: 21.
ME: How many are you getting?
GAMESTOP GUY: 30.

YES! FINALLY! A RAZZ-A-MA-TAZZ-A-LA-WAM-BAM-DIGGITY! (lame)

I preordered a lot of things there. A Wii, an extra controller, some product replacement thing--I might have preordered Reggie Fils-Aime. I was so excited. Still mad about the phone, but excited. I was now the proud owner of a receipt. It was now 11:15.

And the Smartie of Victory was delicious.

Labels: Nintendo Wii