I thought this was important enough to steal for my own website.

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/04/27/nintendo-revolution-now-called-wii/

"Wii sounds like 'we,' which emphasizes this console is for everyone. Wii can easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii."

Labels: Nintendo Wii

Cut back to Friday, when I posted chapter IV. Note the desperation. Note the neediness.

Friday night, I receive an e-mail from Microsoft, containing a tracking number. I am ecstatic. I don't regret not posting it because I liked my last post and I didn't want to ruin it. Okay?! Okay.

The UPS site said it was arriving today, so today I literally stalked my front door. I hear it's filing charges later.

About a half hour before I had to leave for class, a friendly man in a friendly brown suit handed me a friendly electronic clipboard and asked me in a friendly manner to sign it. For my efforts, I was rewarded this:



"A box? A BOX?!" my inner nerd screamed. My inner nerd really likes boxes and manuals. Sorry.

Upon opening the box, I was greeted with yet another sheet of instructions.



See, when you get an Xbox 360 Wireless Controller for the first time, you "connect" it to the console. This is for all the people who seem to think that they're getting their original 360 back in the mail, even though you're totally not getting the original one back.

Since I didn't have time to take a picture of the console itself, here's a mockup.



(By the way, I got an Intel Mac Mini somewhere in the past couple weeks. More on that later.)

When I was plugging in the console, I had a brief flashback to the day I discovered the original one was dead. Something about all those cables.

When I went to turn it on, it wouldn't.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, WHAT GIVES?!?!?!?!?"

It turns out I forgot to plug the power cord back in. Hah! Terrifying.

It works now, though. So, I can safely say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And I wouldn't make such a bold statement without a graphic to back it up!



Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call
Chapter III: The "Box"
Chapter IV: The Wait

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Okay okay okay:

Test one was the county game again. New record!

Test two was the connecty-the-dots game again. New record!

Test three was the wordy memorizey test again. Worst score yet!

GRAND TOTAL PLZ:

Current Brain Age: 26

Get me a bucket, 'cause I'm about to CHART:



And thus brings Week 1 of the Brain Age Chronicles to a close. I've learned a lot; mainly, I've learned that I hate memorizing words. I still haven't unlocked all the minigames from the training levels, and I only just now got to design a stamp.

What will future updates bring? I don't know. The only thing I know is that you won't be reading them as often as you have been in the past seven days. Weekly updates will keep you posted on my current brain status, and that can only lead to more charts and graphs and other things I'll learn how to do in Microsoft Access with all the fancy data I'm going to start collecting.

In closing, here is a word from Dr. Kawashima!



I'm so sorry for that.

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

For fun, I did the voice-controlled test today.

1. STROOP TEST WAS THE FIRST TEST. I did better this time! Woo!

2. My least favorite thing, the memory test. I got 16 this time.

3. CALCULATIONS X20, THANKS. 21 seconds!

An improvement over yesterday? Maybe:

Current Brain Age: 28

CHART-BERG, STRAIGHT AHEAD:



Slight improvement today.

These updates are going to start being weekly updates, soon. Sorry, everyone.

:(

Tomorrow is the last daily update.

Yeah. You heard me.

[edit] Blogger wasn't working, so this is posted a day late. Sorry!

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

Quick update today:

1. Connect the dots. New record!

2. Calculations X20. New record!

3. Word memorization. New r--wait, I got the lowest score this time. 11 words out of 30! ELEVEN! I deserved it, I guess, for not paying attention for the first thirty seconds.

I thought I'd done pretty well, setting two new records. That has to count for something, right? RIGHT?!

Current Brain Age: 31

I bet you'd like to see that in chart form:



31?! My brain got ten years older overnight! Does that happen to a lot of people?! I don't know! I need some sort of Brain Time Machine or something. I'm sure glad I got my bragging done yesterday.

...I didn't even really get to brag yesterday. Lame.

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

When I was at the UPS office, I received a tracking number with which to track the progress of my poor dead Xbox-shaped baby. According to UPS, my Xbox 360 touched down in good ol' Microsofty Texas on April 19th, and arrived at the probably-outsourced Repair Center in McAllen, Texas yesterday afternoon. Woo, right?

I suppose. However, there's one little hitch: how do I know when she's coming back?

I mean, I know I won't be getting the same one back. That's not how it works, at all. I've said my goodbyes, taken out the hard drive, and given it a well-deserved goodbye hug. Not really.

The point I'm trying to make is that I don't have a tracking number for the replacement console, so I have no idea when it'll be arriving. If they're efficient (and they might be, since they're not actually Microsoft) then I project it'll be here somewhere around next Tuesday or Wednesday. But that's an awfully long wait, isn't it? Isn't it?!

Until then I've been regaling myself with games of console generations past, by which I mean the Gamecube and PS2. Guitar Hero is still awesome fun, despite the fact that I'm stuck on the last three songs of Expert Mode and I mostly play it to hear the cover of Ziggy Stardust. That is a really awesome song.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call
Chapter III: The "Box"

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

No voice option today, as it got pretty loud. By "it" I mean "the repeat of last night's Colbert Report."

This time, Dr. Kawashima decided it would be a good idea to hit me with the painful word-memorizing test that I'd previously faced FIRST. It got a little tense, especially when I was interrupted during the first portion, so I ended up only remembering 17. That's 1 less than last time. Not a good start.

The second test was Calculations X20, which I'm getting pretty good at. I didn't miss any this time, and I achieved a new high score! Go team! GO TEAM!

The third test is a sort of twist on the familiar old game of connect-the-dots. On-screen are two sets of dots; one set is marked with the letters A through M, and another set is numbered 1 to 13. The catch is to connect the dots from each set in alternating order. A-1-B-2-C-3-D-4 and so on. This game is a little challenging, because you're not allowed to touch the wrong dots (obviously) and your hand blocks the bottom-half of the screen slightly. I managed to pull through in like 1 minute and 8 seconds, not knowing whether or not that was a good enough score.

What was my ultimate result?! WELL?! WHAT WAS IT?!

Oh, here it was:

Current Brain Age: 21

Th' chart, ye scurvy dogs:



21! Avast! Twenty-flippin'-one!! That's almost twenty, the ideal Brain Age!! Granted, I'm not sure it counts, since I didn't do the voice-controlled tests today. I seem to do worse with those. But whatever!! TWENTY ONE! BRAGGING RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE!

And by everyone, I mean only me.

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

I made sure the voice option was turned on, and I got our good old friend, the STROOP TEST! That's the, uh, words with colors test that I did on Day 1. I did slightly better this time, but only by a few seconds.

The second test was the good old number counting game, where I accidentally mistook the "#" sign for a "2" a couple times. I was just trying to go fast. Apparently that didn't bode well for my score. :(

Calculations X20 would prove to be my final battle between good and evil. Smart and dumb. Whatever you may call it, I think I lost. I maintained the status quo. You know, like in National Treasure? No, of course you don't know, because I think I'm the only person that saw National Treasure.

A long and arduous battle, leaving us with the grand total:

Current Brain Age: 34

Obligatory confusingly upside-down chart:



Apparently I got dumber since yesterday. That doesn't make any sense! I got more sleep today! What gives?!

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

Today I did a Brain Age Check without using the microphone. Apparently from now on it involves three tests at random, so that's a little more fair.

The first test was Calculations X20. Twenty rapid-fire equations, with handwriting recognition on the touch screen. I only missed one, because I messed up a number.

The next one was some kind of counting game, which involved me writing down a number based on various different types of instructions. Those instructions were things like "how many RED numbers?" and "how many blue numbers?" and "how many pulsating numbers?" I'm not even kidding. I missed like two of those.

The third test was pretty much evil. Thirty words are displayed across both screens, and the game gives you two minutes to memorize as many as you can. You then have three minutes to write down all the words you can remember. I'm pretty sure I got 18/30, but I, um, can't remember.

After all was said and done, the little polygon doctor man was delighted to tell me my score.

Current Brain Age: 28

And a GIF of the chart I'm making in Access:



Keep in mind that the ideal Brain Age is 20, so while it might look like I'm getting dumber, I'm actually, er, not. So there.

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

I picked up Brain Age today, and I decided it would make for a great ElroyHead.Com series. Unfortunately, that means I had to wait until I finished the above awesome fancy logo before i could start playing it.

I'm going to track my results as often as I can, so here we go.

So this guy is apparently a doctor of neuroscience. He's just a floating head. How can he be a doctor? I don't know. Perhaps it's like Futurama, with the heads in the jars. In fact, I think it is exactly like that.

I'm setting the date and time right now. I think this is a brain exercise, like "hey if you can't tell what time it is you should return this game immediately." Games are jerks.

I guess I forgot to set my clock one hour ahead on the DS. I never realized it would count as a "clock".

It's showing me some brain scans. I like brain scans!!

Okay, it's asking me to make sure the room is quiet. I'm about to start training!

I'm being asked to say the colors of words that show. The words are the names of colors. So it looks like Yellow Red and so on. Let's see how it goes...

I had to do 50, and I kept going "R--Yellow." That test is tricky.

It made me sign my name and enter my age. Are they building some kind of profile? Like, a blackmail profile?! I don't know. The writing recognition is pretty cool, though.

Drumroll, please...

Current Brain Age: 56

I think they timed the test. Oh well.

With great training comes great results, as they say. Nobody actually says that, but I just made it up, so it's gotta hold some weight. Check back frequently to keep tabs on my brain age!

Labels: Brain Age Chronicles, Nintendo DS

This chapter involves pictures! PICTURES.



I've heard this box referred to as a 'coffin,' which is pretty much what it does. On the left is Ol' Trusty, the Xbox 360. It's an ironic nickname.



I made sure to take Top Spin 2 out when it died the first time. Poor old Top Spin 2. :(



This is the first step on the page of instructions that you find when you open the box. Think about that for a second.



There it is, all wrapped up like it's in some kind of wrapping plastic. Or something. The point is that it's wrapped up.

Dropped it off at UPS today.

Thus begins "the wait." :(

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation
Chapter II: The Phone Call

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Wednesday morning, 8:30AM. I check the poor little white box to see if it works.

No false-alarms today; it's the three blood-red evil lights of doom. Sigh.

Phone-in-hand, I start to dial nervously. I hate these kinds of calls.

Play-by-play:

Xbox 360 support. I press 1.
Console help. 1 again.
The friendly voice tells me to have my serial number ready. I do this.
I think I hear some faint mumbling. The radio?

A voice! I forget his name. He hears my plea and looks up my info. I explain I've had it since launch, which doesn't phase him. I'm told to wait while he "looks up what we need to do here."
He comes back and transfers me to somebbody who handles orders to the US. Apparently he only does orders to the UK. hahaha :(

Melanie. I can't hear her typing. She's funny, but it's like she's delaying.
While I'm making the call, the 360 rests next to me. It looks sad. :(
She gives me a reference number, and we're done.

What? We're done?

I hang up, slightly confused. I know they got my address from the serial number. COuld they have used that to link to my credit card number to charge me the $110 I'm going to end up paying because I didn't buy the warranty within 10 days of when I purchased it, which was launch day? I don't know. I'm trusting them with so much, which kinda creeps me out.

Let's see where this takes us.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter I: The Shocking Revelation

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

Tuesday morning. April 11th. Eleven o'clock.

I ease into place in front of the television, turn it on, and switch over to Component 1. The Xbox 360.

I'd left it downloading some content from the XBLM. That's the Xbox Live Marketplace, naturally.

I attempt to access the content eagerly.

"Wh...what?"

Black screen. No sound. Can't access the Xbox Guide.

"Okay okay, don't panic. I SAID DON'T PANIC."

I turn it off and turn it back on. It freezes during the logo at the beginning.

"...DON'T PANIC"

I do this repeatedly, each time with the freezing starting at some other random time.

"Maybe it's overheating."

I give it a couple hours in front of a fan, careful not to blow dust into it. I try it again.

"TOP SPIN 2 IS L--darn." It freezes again. I try various combinations of cable setups and other things, I try it with the HDD off, I try it with everything. I try everything and it gives me nothing.

Until it gives me those three red lights.

"...okay, now I can panic."

I try it again and again. Three red lights. It goes through once, only to freeze and THEN give me three red lights.

"It's over," my inner nerd screams. "She's dead, Jim!"

I agree, and my name isn't even Jim.

I decide to place my call to tech support the next day.

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

More later, but you can read the review I wrote last night below.

It worked perfectly last night.

:(

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360

This review is brought to you by Bob and Steve, two fictional characters that are more commonly known as...



BOB: What's that you've got in your hand there, Steve?

STEVE: Oh, just Top Spin 2 for the Xbox 360, Bob.

BOB: I thought you already bought Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Ages ago. This game, however, promises tennis in High-Definition.

BOB: I see.

STEVE: Yes, it's quite impressive.

BOB: I am overwhelmed. Please pop it in.

STEVE: Excellent. This game will be great.

(fifteen minutes later.)

STEVE: This game is stupid.

BOB: Your custom character plays like an eight-year old girl that doesn't know how to play tennis.

STEVE: Look at him, his arms are flailing about wildly like he's practicing semaphore.

BOB: That's like Morse code, right?

STEVE: No, it's flag signals. I think he's calling for some kind of aid.

BOB: This training level you've entered is pretty interesting. I never knew the Williams sisters learned how to play tennis by knocking an oversized bowling ball into a set of oversized pins.

STEVE: I think I heard an interview with Andre Agassi where he talked about that training level with the tower of bricks he needed to knock down.

BOB: Agassi? How old are you?

STEVE: Old enough. What's this menu over here? Are these e-mails?

BOB: They're fake e-mails. With voice messages. From fake coaches. Fake coaches that want you to enter a Tournament.

STEVE: I would normally say it's time to try our hand at a Tournament, but apparently our rank isn't high enough.

BOB: I like how you've been throwing around the word "our" as though I've had a turn to play.

STEVE: I got us into a Minor tournament. Let's see how "Steve Topspin" ranks against these guys. You can take the helm when I'm done.

(TOURNAMENT.)

BOB: Congratulations, you got "deuce" again.

STEVE: I hate deuce. Deuce turns the playful and sophisticated nature of your average tennis match and turns it into a kind of sudden-death marathon tournament, where you keep playing until one of you falls over.

BOB: I don't think that's how it works, but I'm glad you lost that set. I'm so glad you get to play another set. I'm so glad I get to wait another twenty minutes.

STEVE: I get what you're trying to do, but I don't really care. I am literally angry at this character I'm playing against. His taunts have driven me to the edge.

BOB: Not to get off-topic, but can you re-design your character? He looks kind of horribly ugly. I find it hilarious that there's a "face spots" part of the character design screen, in case anybody would be interested in that kind of thing.

STEVE: "This tennis game is fun, but optional Face Spots would make it more fun."

BOB: That must have been a weird focus group to be in. "Yeah, this model's pretty, but she'd be prettier with some more Face Spots."

STEVE: We lost the tournament, you know. I think we'll have to try out Exhibition mode. On Easy. Doubles.

BOB: Hard court.

STEVE: Yes.

(EXHIBITION.)

BOB: I think the battery's dying in my controller.

STEVE: No, it's just not super-easy like Mario Tennis.

BOB: Everything was better in Mario Tennis.

STEVE: Maybe, but I don't recall there being Training levels. Or the promise of Online play.

BOB: Why would I want to play this game online if I can't even beat the computer on EASY?

STEVE: Career mode wasn't on Easy. Career mode was on "learn and it'll get easier."

BOB: I don't even think those training stats did anything.

STEVE: Did that momentum meter do anything in Career mode? Because it's giving us trick shots here in Exhibition mode.

BOB: It didn't, and we only get extra trick shots if we win a point. Which we haven't.

STEVE: Man will one day invent the necessary words to convey the frustration I'm feeling with this game.

BOB: But it's oddly compelling. Like, I know I'm horrible at it, but I still want to play it to get better at it.

STEVE: Some would call that depth.

BOB: Yeah, some would. I think it's pretty enjoyable, once you accept the fact that the game hates you.

STEVE: And the AI is totally unforgiving.

BOB: Yes. And it's not Mario Tennis at all, so I'd keep little kids away from it.

STEVE: Unless they're really big braggarts or something. "Hey, I beat Mario Tennis in one hour, YAWN."

BOB: "Here Billy, try out Top Spin 2."

STEVE: "I see the error of my ways. Here is a twenty-dollar bill."

BOB: At that point I'd wonder where my kid got ahold of twenty dollars that he didn't try to force out of my wallet. Probably through Mario Tennis hustling.

STEVE: I'd wonder how you managed to have a child.

BOB: Indeed.

Labels: Reviews, Xbox 360