NAME: Sony Playstation 3
SIZE: 15 square miles
TARGET MARKET: Anybody that doesn't know what "E3" means

The Sony Playstation 3 was originally conceived as an entirely new continent. However, the disappointing surface area of the first several prototype models discouraged the executives, and it was then decided that the Sony Playstation 3 would simply become a supercopmuter, capable of reading lips and causing mass mayhem.

Several bloggers at the recent Electronics Entertainment Expo took note of the size of the Playstation 3, stating that the controls for the eighteen-wheeled power-supply-wielding vehicle were, at times, unresponsive, and, at other times, life-endangering.

The "Playstation" moniker was derived from the latin phrase "plaga statim," which refers to a disease from ancient Rome that was instantly contracted, and, at times, life-endangering (note: 'at times,' in this case, means 'always'). When afflicted, a person was required to etch "PS" in front of a crowded marketplace onto a nearby rock, followed by the number of strains of the disease he was currently carriying. In this case, "PS3" was a fairly good sign, because it meant that only those that came within ten feet of the afflicted individual would themselves be struck with disease.

The PS3 makes use of a Cell processor, which has less to do with cell phones than the average person might believe. The Cell processor was crafted by James E. Motion, creator of the ever-famous "emotion engine" that was featured within the Playstation 2. Many Sony critics note that, despite the presence of an "engine" within the Playstation 2, it was unable to drive anywhere. To quote one Sony fan: "The Emotion Engine owns anything your purple Nintendo Gamesquare can do. I drove it to work this morning." All Sony fans are liars.

Sony is including "Drummy, the DRM-powered Robot" with every console purchase. Hearkening back to the days of the Nintendo ROB, "Drummy" connects wirelessly to your PS3, and is used to enhance select game experiences. As an added bonus, "Drummy" will destroy any burned CDs and MP3 files you may have lying around your home. As "Drummy" puts his foot through your generic-brand television set, he will howl in pain and scream "you should've bought a Sony television" and "please stop emotionally terrorizing Drummy" and "please direct Drummy to any other non-Sony appliances." He will also leak oil onto your PS3 games, which cannot be replaced by warranty.

To top off the delicious sundae that is the PS3, Sony is throwing in a first-generation Blu-ray player, because, as the old saying goes, "always buy version 1 of everything!" Blu-ray is a wonderful new technology that will require you to purchase a new, high-definition television set (and why not a "Drummy"-approved SONY set?), because, as it is stated in the PS3's instruction manual: "Playing Blu-ray Discs on a standard-definition television is stupid." Blu-ray technology drives the price up an additional 200 dollars, which brings the final cost of the PS3 to "your firstborn child and 200 dollars."

There's also something about a motion-sensing controller, but they just told me about that right now.

Labels: Console Wars, Playstation 3