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http://elroyhead.tumblr.com/

or just

http://elroyhead.com/

Labels: Meta

The cold winter air swept through Maxwell's rooster hat.

It is a fine day for Scribbling, he whispered to himself. He whispered this before every mission.

Earlier in the day, Maxwell received this mission via a phone call. "Please help my husband," a woman cried, "because he is on a boat that is headed straight for an iceberg!"

Maxwell hesitated briefly, and asked: "Why doesn't he just turn around?"

The wife was silent. And then later, she was not silent. "Please, just help him."

That was then, and this was now. Maxwell stood on solid ground, and watched as the oblivious man headed straight for his doom. It was obvious to everyone else, but why not this idiot? Was he some kind of idiot?

Maxwell knew what he had to do. He had to make the man see fear—and what better way to make someone see fear than by summoning something terrible with your magic notepad? Sure, his methods might be a little extreme, but Maxwell was known for getting the job done—in a very extreme way.

Turning to face the man in the boat, Maxwell whipped out his magic notepad, and wrote the word that he was so well-known for writing.

KRAKEN.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Scribblenauts is a DS game where you, the main character, can summon just about anything. Let me restate that: YOU CAN SUMMON JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT VULGAR OR TRADEMARKED OR ALCOHOL FOR SOME REASON.

The alcohol part confuses me, because there are a wide variety of firearms that you can summon. Like, all of them. Think of a firearm! Did you think of TREBUCHET? That's not really a "firearm", but it's in there!! YOU CAN SUMMON A TREBUCHET.

Summoning is done by means of a magic notepad, that you can access by tapping the "magic summoning notepad" button. You can actually write in names one letter at a time, which takes forever, or you can type them in with a virtual keyboard. This is the good way to play the game. The other way is the lame way.

Possibly one of the greatest parts of summoning items is that these items interact with each other. Cats chase dogs, God kills dinosaurs, and you can fire trebuchets at chocolatiers. These are all things that can actually happen in the game. And that all can take place at the title screen.

Yes, before you dive into the 220 levels of the game, you are dumped into a menu screen where you can access your magic notepad, and summon anything that is in the game's library. Squid? You got it. Stadium? Big, but sure. Kraken? Of course you can summon a Kraken.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For The Peaks, this was considered good weather. Of course, it was only because there were volcanoes going off in the background for some reason. This balanced out the normally wintery atmosphere of The Peaks.

"My sheep", said the shepherd. "He is separated from all my other sheep."

"I don't see the problem," said Maxwell, lying. He already saw the problem, and he knew the answer. But he needed the shepherd to give him a reason.

"There is the small matter," said the shepherd (nervously), "of a wolf."

Maxwell nodded. He knew before he came that he would have to send a creature to a creaturegrave. This sheep needed saving, and he knew what he had to do.

Motioning for the shepherd to take a step back, Maxwell Scribbled something down in his magic notepad. Instantly, a large red seamonster fell from the sky, and landed atop the wolf. The two engaged in combat briefly, with the seamonster having the definite edge. As soon as the wolf was felled, Maxwell made another Scribble into his pad. Instantly again, the seamonster disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The shepherd watched in awe as Maxwell retrieved the small sheep by using a fishing rod that he appeared to have summoned in the same manner. Maxwell made his way over, and began to unhook the sheep.

"What was that?" asked the shepherd, bewildered.

"It's a fishing rod," said Maxwell.

"No," said the shepherd, bewildered and frustrated. "The other thing."

Maxwell smirked. "Do you mean…the Kraken?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The game features 10 different worlds, with 22 levels each. These levels are split into two different categories—"puzzle" and "action". Both gametypes involve you collecting a Starite, or Generic Video Game Collectible, to end the level. "Puzzle" levels focus more on accomplishing tasks, while "action" levels focus more on getting to the part of the level that happens to contain the Generic Video Game Collectible.

The game's biggest fault is its controls, although I don't seem to mind them as much as some reviews have indicated. In case you weren't aware, Maxwell's motion is all controlled by the touch screen. While you might think you know exactly how this works, you probably don't. If you tap somewhere that doesn't require you to climb or whatever, Maxwell will run to that location. You will probably send Maxwell off the edge of platforms several times, since you will be trying to control him the wrong way.

At least, I did.

However, that isn't really a big deal to me, since I can have Maxwell wear a JETPACK whenever I want to. YEAH THAT CAN HAPPEN. Let's spawn twenty jetpacks!

Oh, wait. Each level has an item "par", which is like golf, except not really. You can go over par, but you don't get as many points for that level, and you get less Ollars, which are like dollars, except not really. Ollars are used to unlock more levels and, I don't know, stuff from the unlockables menu.

Also, just to keep you from spawning twenty jetpacks, there's a limit on the amount of overall items you can spawn at once. Fortunately, you can delete items you've spawned whenever you want. This means you can dispose of that Kraken before he eats all of the sheep.

Did I mention that this game has a level editor?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"How did your cat get on the roof?" Maxwell didn't need to know the answer. The answer was not important.

"I don't know, he just does it sometimes." The woman was worried. The woman wanted to pet her cat, to ease her tension, but the cat being on the roof was the source of her tension, which caused her to experience more tension.

This was serious. Maxwell could sense some sort of tension. He pulled out his notepad, and began to Scribble.

"Do you want the cat dead... or alive?" he asked, knowing the answer.

"Alive," the woman responded.

Maxwell paused. Alive?

He scratched out the K-R-A he had begun to write, and thought about it for a moment.

"Are you sure?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The game's level editor allows you to build a new level using the terrain from any level you've cleared. Then, it's really all up to you. Write in some objects, set their logic, and place a Starite wherever you want it. Then you can name it, set a clue, and send it to your friends.

Yeah, that's right, your friends. Scribblenauts doesn't have a level database or anything, so you have to exchange friend codes with people to get their levels. It's a little irritating, and is probably the other major flaw in Scribblenauts.

However, did you know that you can make a bear fight a pirate? And that the pirate WINS? It is clear to all of you that this is awesome.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The room was too small. Maxwell didn't like it.

Too small for a Kraken.

In the corner, a child wept. Closer to Maxwell, a clown wept. Less close, but hotter, the child's mother wept hotly.

A lone piñata hung from a rope that was way too thick.

"He does not have a bat," the mother explained seductively. At least, Maxwell thought it was pretty seductive.

"Would you like me to give him a bat?" asked Maxwell, miffed. He was a Scribblenaut, not a Delivernaut. Delivernauts don't even exist.

The mother shook her head. "He will use it irresponsibly," she said, and Maxwell was sure that she winked at him. Or she blinked, and he couldn't see her other eye.

"Why is the clown crying?"

"He has a computer science degree, but he is merely a party clown."

Maxwell nodded with understanding. He flirtatiously removed his notepad from his pocket. "Do you want your son dead... or alive?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In closing, buy Scribblenauts.

Labels: Nintendo DS, Reviews

What can we look forward to in 2009-2010?

- More things
- Additional articles
- New logo? (More like, new log-NO)
- Comedy?
- Cheap video game reviews ("So, hey, this Guitar Hero: Aerosmith game...")
- Freakazoid references.

I haven't updated in forever (naturally) but I plan to do so eventually (naturally).

And if I don't, well, AWWWW NUTBUNNIES (Freakazoid reference! See?!)

Labels: Meta, Random

NINTENDO MAY RELEASE A BANANA CONTROLLER FOR NINTENDO WII.


CRITICS SAY THE BANANAS HAVE NO GRAPHICS.


NINTENDO'S OFFICIAL RESPONSE IS


"YES, WII HAVE NO BANANAS"













APRIL FOOLS.

Labels: Nintendo Wii, Random

I've been playing the stalk market a lot recently.

Turnip stalks, that is, in Animal Crossing: City Folk.

If you're unfamiliar with the stalk market in Animal Crossing, here's how it works: every Sunday morning, you have the option of buying turnips from a character named Joan. The prices of these turnips varies week by week, and you can only purchase them in blocks of 10.

Throughout the rest of the week, you can sell your turnips back to the local shop owner, Tom Nook. But here's the catch: every day, the price he'll pay you for turnips also varies. It's a dangerous game to play, because you could end up selling your turnips for less than you purchased them for.

After the week is up, your turnips rot or something and you can't use them again. There's also some other thing that has to do with red turnips, but I've never done that, because you have to plant them, and all my plants die.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I noticed that Nook was lowballing me on these turnip prices. I became angry, and, living in the US, decided I would sue. But I needed to know: How much money am I going to sue for? Animal Crossing doesn't use US dollars, it uses Bells--and what am I going to do with thousands of bags of real life bells? Therefore, I devised a type of Animal Crossing Exchange Rate, and here's how I did it:

Step 1. Since you can't buy real money with bells (yet), the task was to figure out what else you end up spending to earn bells. The answer? Time. So, I found the only source of regular renewable income, selling seashells, and figured that it took about five minutes to harvest all of them from the beach.

Step 2. Next, the average amount of money that I earn by selling all the seashells on the beach hovers around 1,500 bells. This is EXACT SCIENCE, in that I didn't really do any research other than this.

Step 3. So, 1500 bells = 5 minutes, right? So you agree, then, that an hour of seashells translates to 18000 bells, right? Good.

Step 4. The current Federal wage rate in the United States is $6.55. Therefore, 18000 bells = $6.55.

Step 5. Which means that 18000/$6.55 = 2748.09160305344, or, rounding down, 2748.09.

There you have it, 2748.09 bells to the dollar.

TEN DOLLARS PLEASE, NINTENDO.

Labels: Nintendo Wii

The stars look very different today.

Just one day ago, we were building creepy mutated Sporemen. Two days ago, we were conquering the world. Three days ago, we were just a spore.

Throughout these days, Spore has challenged me to make decisions about life, the universe, and flagella. The game forces you to answer such questions as "Is it wrong to eat a baby?", to which the response is, "Not unless you're an herbivore." Which I don't usually agree with, but if it'll save me from being trampled by 50-foot tall sporecreatures, well then, sorry, babies. You'll understand when you get older--oh wait no hahaha!

Now, however, I have entered the final stage of Spore--the Space stage. This is the stage I've heard the most positive things about, and I was eager to get here. And let me tell you...it delivers. Space (space space) is the place. First of all, you're now directly controlling a spaceship, instead of merely assigning units to do your bidding. However, flying a regular UFO is boring, so you get to design (!!!) your own ship. I wanted to make the Axiom Starliner, from WALL•E:



...and I ended up designing the Haxiom Starliner.



You control your ship with the mouse or keyboard, and are finally able to leave orbit. Doing so reveals that you're in a solar system, and zooming out even further reveals other solar systems. Your ship can only move so many parsecs at once, so in order to get around, you need to hop from system to system (or upgrade your engine as the game progresses). Zooming out totally shows you the swirly spiral galaxy from the game's main menu screen, which is also in the Spore logo. See? Now you're part of the galaxy. You started out playing flOw, and now you're flying around like an idiot in a fake Axiom Starliner. Isn't life grand?

This is where the game reaches total awesomeality (is that a word i think it is). You are now able to communicate with empires stationed on entirely different planets, establish trade routes with them, form alliances, conquer them, hire them to attack other empires, and so much more. It's like Civilization mode, with less stress on immediately taking over everything. As in, other empires don't randomly attack you as often as other nations did in Civilization mode, although they do get mad at you for entering their airspace. Okay, there's no air in space, so...spacespace. However, you can curry their favor by accomplishing tasks for them, which are pretty neat. You can abduct animals, shoot them, erase their minds, terraform their land, paint their skies, or just steal their treasures. Space also leads you to my favorite thing to do in Spore, which is backstab your allies.

Example: I teamed up with the Yellow Empire (these empires actually do have names, but are all assigned colors again--and since I can't remember made up names of 200000000000000000 empires, we're sticking with the colors) and have established three trade routes with them. Now, when I try to gain the approval of the hostile Pink Empire (those jerks!!) by flying to one of the many planets in the Yellow Empire and shooting 6 infected animals, the yellow guys get a little ticked off--but since I'm supporting their economy a lot and they like me (they really like me) they stay allied with me--and I still have the use of one of their spacecraft to help me do my dirty work. It's all very backstabby and political and amazing, and once you get the hang of it, you can really work it to your advantage.

You also can sell spice directly to other empires, by delivering it to them. Different colored spice is worth more in different empires, so you've got to manage how much you're selling to which planets in order to maximize your profits. You can also buy spice from other planets and resell it, so it's up to you if you want to invest your Sporebucks in Green Spice. I'm still getting used to that mechanic, but it's great fun.

Combat is a little difficult, at least I think it is, because I only have one ally ship at the moment and we're taking on entire fleets of fighters at a time. However, I can manage smaller combat missions, which are exciting. Many missions come with a time limit, so if you're quick enough, you can pop back over to your home world, recharge your ship, and fly back into battle. I don't think that's what you're supposed to do, but if you can manage it, give it a shot.

All of this seems to be quite the overwhelming experience. So much, in fact, that even after spending a day in Space, I still feel like I've barely scratched the surface. I'm nowhere near halfway through, and then, who knows what'll happen? Maybe the universe will explode. Maybe the Greenus McWhatThe Empire will invent their own version of the Large Hadron Collider and create a black hole that sucks everything into it.

At least there isn't Autosave.

Labels: Mac, The Spore Diaries

The world is changed. I feel it in the spore-water. I feel it in the spore-earth. I smell it in the spore-air.

No longer am I micromanaging individual citizens of the planet (which happens to be called LOLSville, in case you were wondering) and caring for their eating habits. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, they're not eating at all--and if they are, they're eating spice from one of the four spice derricks that our nation has forcefully taken. I don't know how an entire civilization is supposed to survive on spice, but they are.

Since we destroyed all other tribes in Tribal mode, the planet is filled with different sovereign nations of Greenus McWhatThes. Each nation is assigned a color, that has nothing to do with anything. In this mode, you also get to design buildings. I've mentioned the Lantern Memorial Tower before, but this is the first time you get to see the creation I'm most proud of: the Sporeman Edifice.



PNG version, to drop onto your copy of Spore:



Behold, a Sporeman! This is what I imagine sporecreatures think humans look like: horrifying. This also doubles as an entertainment building, and apparently it doesn't matter that the door to get in is actually the Sporeman's mouth and that it's like 200 feet in the air with no stairways or anything. However, it keeps them happy, and it probably gives them something to do between spice overdoses.

Things were not so happy when the Crimson Nation (note: not the Red Nation) started to get on my case about "being too big" and "attacking them". So, I did what any good warrior nation would do: I cut off their spice lines. My army, now high on purloined spice, managed to wipe out the Crimson Army and establish an Economic City on their home turf. Thanks for helping me produce more spice, jerks! Those guys were totally jerks.

The game allows you to backstab, too. Not literally, because I don't really think all of the sporecreatures have backs. No, what I was able to do was ally myself with the Yellow Nation, assign them to attack the Blue Nation, and vice versa. After Yellow defeated Blue, I tasked them with attacking the Red Nation, and then, at their happiest, we struck.

By this point, I had about 20 of these on my side:



The battle was almost over, until I realized that I had two cities left to conquer. What to do, what to do...oh, right. I launched the ICBM, a weapon which I only was able to use after I had around 25,000 sporebucks, and flattened them. WE WILL BURN SPOREUTICA TO THE GROUND.

And with that, I moved on to space, the final frontier. (and stage!)

What awaits Greenus McWhatThe in Space?!

I dunno.

Labels: Mac, The Spore Diaries