I like Rock Band.

Wait, let me clarify that a bit.

I LOVE ROCK BAND.

It's the best multiplayer experience possibly ever. It inspires feelings that the Wii did, by which I mean it's just SUPER AWESOME to play.

I like it so much that I regularly purchase downloadable content for it, because they actually release new (good) content regularly! I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I rock at Rock Band. I straight up rock.

Sadly, I apparently rocked so hard that I broke my Rock Band guitar. I'm sorry, I mean my official Electronic Arts™ and MTV Games™ Present Harmonix™'s Rock™ Band™Guitar™™ Per™i™pher™al™.

I wasn't the only one having problems, apparently, so EA set up a seriously easy to use support website.

Wait, what? Something made by EA actually works and is good?

Kind of.

Within several mouse clicks, you're able to get a replacement guitar sent to your house via free 2-day air mail. All you need is an EA account (which I had!) and a credit card that won't explode when EA puts a temporary $125 "hold" on your card, to make sure that you're not just scamming them out of a guitar (which I also had!)

Anyway, I ordered it on the 21st of December, which I knew meant that I would not get it 2 days later (weekends, those crazy holiday things that screw up everything, etc). I got a UPS tracking number and everything! Score, I said. Score. I put the tracking number into the Delivery Status widget, set it, and forget it! Just like Ron Popeil would have had me do!

On the 26th, my package was on a truck, set to arrive at any moment. I made special plans to sit as close to the door as I could, without looking creepy. I even wore pants.

Apparently, the UPS guy is that girl on Heroes that can manipulate how things look around her, because I never saw or heard him come, until, hours later, I checked the tracking info again, which informed me that the box was already delivered.

Upon retrieving the box, I thought it felt a little light. Maybe it was just the guitar, because everyone complains that the Rock Band guitar is too light. I open the box, and...

NO GUITAR.

I look all through the narrow box, up and down, with a flashlight...nope. Empty. I checked to make sure I hadn't misunderstood the arrangement; I believed that the EA website said that they would send the guitar first, then place a hold on my credit card, and then I would send my broken guitar back, and they would remove the hold on my credit card. This was actually what was supposed to happen, because the packing slip claimed that there was a guitar inside the box, and that the box weighed 5 pounds.

My father is better than I am at dealing with CSRs, so I had him make my call to EA's tech support line. He's forceful. Not in a mean way, though. He just knows how to get things done when he's dealing with customer service people. I needed that, because I basically had zero proof that I did not receive a guitar. For all they knew, I stole the guitar from the box before we called. For all I know, the UPS guy took it. It was looking grim.

After explaining my problem to the CSR, he looked up my info and confirmed that EA had not actually sent out the part, but that they were supposed to send it first. I felt vindicated, and I stopped thinking terrible things about the UPS guy. (Except for the fact that he didn't even ring the doorbell, or actually make sure nobody stole my $125 worth of plastic guitar.) He said that he would somehow magically send out another guitar to my house, and to just pack up the broken guitar in the provided box and mail that back. Deal, I thought. This will work out great!

I waited until I received a tracking number for the new package before I packed up the broken guitar. I did, and I did. The package was sent, and a new round of tracking began.

On December 31st, I received a package. Again, I didn't hear the bell--it was probably the same guy, and he was probably worried that he was helping smuggle in lightweight firearms or something. I plugged it in, it worked, I 5-starred Buddy Holly again, all was good. It was a good day, and Dick Clark said "Happy Dew Year," which was funny, but not in a "good" way.

January 3rd, I receive an e-mail from EA Support, asking me to fill out some support survey. I did, because I like filling out surveys sometimes, and I was actually somewhat pleased with their service. Hey, it took me a month to get my Xbox back, more than once. A working Rock Band guitar within 10 days is good in my book.

Towards the end of the survey was a question like, "Why has your problem not yet been resolved?" That wasn't the question exactly, but that was essentially what it said, and I can't access the actual survey anymore, so you're going to have to deal with it. I checked my EA account, and found out that I had three support tickets open: my original RMA, an RMA that I had accidentally started, and the new RMA--an "Agent Request," which means the one that the CSR sent to me. By the way, RMA stands for Return Merchandise Authorization, which you will probably not need to remember.

Anyway, I explained to the survey that the reason my problem was unresolved was because the CSR sent me a guitar, and opened up a separate support ticket. I left well enough alone.

And then, today, I received this e-mail.

Dear Michael,

We trust you have received your new Xbox 360 Guitar by now and are enjoying the Rock Band experience! However, it has been 14 days and we have not yet received the faulty Xbox 360 Guitar you’re returning to us.

To avoid a charge to your debit or credit account, please return your faulty Xbox 360 Guitar immediately upon receipt of your replacement. A charge will be posted 28 days after your request for a replacement if we do not receive your faulty Xbox 360 Guitar.

Rock on, Michael!

There are a number of problems with this, which should be obvious.

1. Why are they counting 14 days from when I actually made the RMA? (they probably can't do anything about this, but they should)
2. I only received my guitar 5 days ago!

And my favorite,

3. I sent them the guitar ten days ago.

And thus begins another rousing adventure, in my Adventures in Tech Support series. More updates as the insanity continues!

Excuse me while I go to weep. I mean, sleep.

Labels: Adventures in Tech Support, Xbox 360