as you know, we're coming up on the nerdiest month ever. why do i say that?

well, april 29th brings the world The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (the movie, the movie.) may 10th presents weezer's latest piece of the awesome rock, Make Believe. (indicates banners and flash banners.) and this brings us to may 19th, which of course is home to the release date of the sixth and final star wars movie EVER, Revenge of the Sith.

that being said, i have an idea for star wars episode three.

keep in mind, it is the last one ever. this is the movie that will go down in history as being the end of an era. well, a second era. the other era ended in like 1983. so, naturally, this movie should either be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever.

we will not ruin it with another EWOK incident and we will not have anybody being all cute with C-3PO and we will not allow there to be another second death star and we will not allow any small furry animals to throw rocks at giant robots and we will not allow there to be any spinoffs using the old sets and there will be no follow-up cartoon series and we will not allow people to see harrison ford's reflection in the protective glass when he runs away from the exploding base (look again, it's in there.)

first off, yeah, wookiee planet. i forget if there are two E's in wookiee. sue me. anyway, the whole "wookiee planet" thing kind of ruins my plan of not having ewoks in the movie. why, you may ask? well it's simply because ewoks are descendants of wookiees. yes, i just made that up. no, i'm not going to explain myself. although the following graphic should help.



yes, that's wicket the ewok.

excerpt from the script of star wars episode three:

CHEWBACCA: WICKET! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!
WICKET: [insert something stupid and ewokky here, like praising c3p0]
CHEWBACCA: WICKET! ...I AM YOUR FATHER! *GRAAAAAAAARL*
WICKET: I'll never join you! [throws rocks at Chewbacca]
CHEWBACCA: *GRAAAAARL*
WICKET: [gets a spinoff series]

what shocking revelations! that's right, episode three should not only be about wookiees, but it should also include shocking revelations that make otherwise nonsensical happenings in the original trilogy make sense. for example.

ANAKIN: I'm glad I finished building C-3P0. He's the first robot that's ever been built for the sole purpose of suffering.

yeah, that joke wasn't that good. anyway.

is it just me, or should episode 3 be filled with explosions? i'm not talking your everyday action movie explosions. i'm talking earth-shattering, random explosions. a robot walks into a room, and explodes for no reason. obi-wan grabs a lightsaber and investigates. suddenly, the room he has just left explodes. obi-wan, slightly confused, begins running towards another door, dropping his lightsaber on the ground in a fir of excitement. he trips, just as the lightsaber also explodes. (this wouldn't happen, of course. it would have to be somebody else's lightsaber.)

also, i'd like to point out that Han Solo was hilarious. i mean, just look at him! he was hilarious.

han solo brought a kind of attitude to star wars that all the anakins and darth mauls and senator papaltines and dookus couldn't match up to. han solo was sarcastic. han solo was awesome. there should be a baby han solo in episode three. towards the end, when they show babies luke and leia. they should have a baby han solo wander into the screen, look around, and do something tough and awesome. here's another thing to think about: luke got sent to the sand-planet that nobody really liked. but leia got to be A PRINCESS. leia became ROYALTY. luke just became REALLY SANDY. talk about unfair.

i hear jar jar dies in this one.

in closing, i want you to keep these phrases in mind when watching star wars episode 3.

"wookieewok"
"random explosions"
"han solo"
"jar jar dies"

i left out the C-3P0 joke. i still feel bad about that one.

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